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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I'm at my wits end with my boyfriend, what do I do? I have

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I'm at my wits end with my boyfriend, what do I do? I have come away with him to Amsterdam and a couple who are his friends, but I just feel totally frustrated with his attitude to me. He only seems to care about smoking, drinking and eating. I wanted to see several sites, but all we managed to do was go on a canal trip in the afternoon because his friend wanted to, but he complained that there was no option to have a drink on board. We are returning to London today, so no option to see any other sites. I feel I can't say anything as he will tell me I'm selfish. I have to go along to places to eat, because they are hungry but the food is either not vegan or I'm not hungry. He made out I was being selfish when I arrived in London to meet him, and I got upset when he arrived 40 mins late, but I had no idea as I had lost my phone earlier that day. He seems to have no compassion or understanding of me, and makes out I'm selfish when he doesn't agree with me.
Thank you for your question and I am so sorry what has been happening.
Did you go to visit him or did you both go with his friends there on vacation?
Does he usually smoke and drink normally?
Did you both have any previous plans as to what you both would be doing?
Does he usually respect your vegan lifestyle or does he always behave this way?
Thank you in advance for your answers as it will help me provide you with the most accurate answer.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
We both met his friends in London, then he drove us all to Amsterdam.
Yes, he does smoke and drink, but keeps telling me that he his cutting down.
I was hoping to have a cultural break, but he seemed to be more concerned about visiting 'coffee houses' there and drinking. I wish he would grow up, as I don't think it's very adult for someone of almost 50 to be behaving in this way, and not very considerate.
We didn't have plans, but he knew I had got a book about Amsterdam and had put forward ideas of what I wanted to see.
I also thought he had completely turned vegetarian, but was very disappointed to hear him say he still eats fish, and ate something with chicken in it. He doesn't seem to understand vegetarianism at all, and said it was just a health thing. I don't like him undermining my beliefs.
Thank you for explaining. I understand your concerns and I see that he is not taking your feelings into consideration. It seems like he was on vacation with his friends and not you at all. I do not think that you are being selfish at all and rather believe that he is acting selfishly. He could have at the very least asked you what you wanted to do rather than just deciding everything himself. He just was doing the things that he liked and wanted. I do not blame you for being upset about this. He is not taking your beliefs or feelings into consideration. If he chose to eat other than vegan that is his choice, but he should not be leading you on or taking it so lightly. He should have also been thinking about what you will be eating since he knew that you are vegan, so he was not being considerate at all. I believe the problem here is not the trip itself, but the relationship in general. If he is behaving like this on a regular basis then you may want to consider if you even want to stay in this relationship. If he is making promises to you and not following through then there is very little chance that he is serious and seems more like talk just to make you happy. He needs to show you actions in regards ***** ***** cutting down his smoking and drinking as well as care and compassion for you. People can say anything, but what really matters and shows ones true colors are their actions. This trip may have been the final straw for you. At this point all that is left for you to do is to truly look within to determine if this is the man you truly want to be with. Do you have any power left to try and work things out with him and more importantly is he willing to truly make changes because if he is not then you will be wasting your time fighting a losing battle. In my opinion he does not even have basic consideration by what you explained he did on the trip, so I don't see him making any long term changes that will actually stick unless he did a 360 degree turn for the better all of a sudden . In anycase what's done is done try and not allow him to do further damage by causing you pain and streds over this. Try and focus on where you go from here, so you can make the most logical decision for yourself and own life.
I wish you the very best and please let me know if I can be of further help.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
It's all still hurting me as we had an argument about me returning to London. He told me that I would have to take the plane to come back, as he could not drive me back after returning to London. I tried calling and texting loads to see when he arrived home, but he was ignoring my calls and thus I was getting more stressed and frustrated. He said he was too tired to talk, and told me off for contacting him so much.
He makes me feel as though I'm stupid and don't know what relationship is about. He told me off for not liking him going to a 'coffee shop' in the afternoon and said he wasn't a kid. Why does he like to make out that everything I do is wrong?
I am sorry about the way he is treating you. Even though he may be annoyed because you called him lots and that would not be good to do in a norma situation. However, the point here is you had a reason to do that. He is focusing on what you are doing, but he is being blind to his own behavior. It is his behavior that is causing you to become upset. He is not taking your feelings into consideration. And he is taking the coffee shop incident lightly. Yes he is not a kid, but he is not seeing the basis of the coffee shop incident, which was not be considerate of your feelings. He is trying to blame you for everything in order to not take responsibility. No one is perfect in a relationship. However, it takes two individuals whom are willing to compromise and care in order to make it work as well as good communication. You may need to analyze the entire relationship in order to decide if this is what you truly want. Remember you are in control of your own feelings. You can choose to remove him from your life and in turn you will not need to deal with the way he makes you feel. I understand it may not be easy. I do not know your relationship as a whole, but based on what you explained he is not taking your feelings into consideration or showing any type of care through his actions. If he is doing this now that suggests to me that he may do this on a regular basis. I would look at the whole picture in order for you to decide the best way for you to proceed with the relationship as a whole.
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