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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5334
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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I am getting married in November this year. I am very

Customer Question

I am getting married in November this year. I am very happy with my fiance, he keeps me happy all the time.
I have my own fears and anxiety. I see myself as not prepared for marriage. I have failed my driving test many times, I haven't got a good career but want to learn new things so I can at least have a skill.
I see myself as useless and silly for not being able to pass my driving and get a better career (I'm a receptionist).
I think his mum is not too keen on me, I don't know why? I do over think a lot and have spoken to my fiance about this he assures me his parents are happy.
I feel very down about my career and my driving worries. When I take a test I panic and do something silly.
I want to get married but just don't know what to do about the way I feel down regarding my career and driving?
Please can you advise me on what to do.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.

First, let me say I can imagine how confusing and distressing this situation must be for you. You are at the threshold of the most beautiful moment in your life and you are sabotaging it. This is most often the case when someone has a low sense of self worth. In truth you have not only made a life for yourself, you have made a full life, with struggles, successes, setbacks, picking yourself up, moving forward, etc. That is a tremendous measure of the worthiness within you. Your fiance recognizes this, he says his parents recognize this, everyone seems to recognize this except for one person: you.

In truth, they are right: there is no shame in being a receptionist. There is no marriage manual that says that a woman has to have a driver's license to qualify for marriage. So, again, you are creating criteria that guarantee you do not meet them. But these are only self made criteria, not real ones that the world requires.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. Clearly, you are a worthwhile person. But perhaps not enough in your own eyes. Your video of life in your mind is perhaps dominated by feelings that are negative, failure, hopeless, etc. Is this reality? No, you've coped with problems and have achieved successes. You have a fiance who loves you. That's the definition of a worthwhile life. Now it sounds as though it's time to move forward. The problem may be in your view of yourself. The solution, then, would be in your view of yourself. And when it comes to ATTITUDE, the self help world is fantastic at it!

I want you to commit yourself to apply the principles in the following videos and books to your worries and fears. So that you can be yourself with more confidence. Coach yourself. Be your own life coach! I want you to get really into motivational videos and books. In other words, accept your past fears, accept your past worries and hurts and traumas. Accept them and focus on becoming who you WANT to be now. Here's a simple YouTube search I put together on "motivational speakers":

Some like Tony Robbins are the classic big guys. Some are newer. They're mostly Americans, but so what? Watch them all; there are great women speakers out there as well. Get inspired. Buy a book or two. Here are some possibilities, but they are only suggestions as there are so many good ones.

The first book is the father of all these type of books. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. There are classes in these books now! It was written in the 1930s and still has something to say to us today that is very worthwhile.

I think very highly of the second book on my list, which is a real classic: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. It is the book that has helped more people than probably any other.

The third book is by Anthony Robbins. He's one of those speakers who fills up huge auditoriums. For a reason. He's a terrific speaker and writer. The particular book (if you like it, try his others): Awaken the Giant Within. I really like this book.

So the only thing separating you from your sense of positive value in yourself might very well be your running mind video about your failure and shortcomings. Throw those out and replace them with motivation and commitment to your future.

If you feel that low self-worth is a long term problem that is keeping you from success and you need more help than self-help tools, counseling is a good choice. The opportunity here is to gain a greater insight yourself toward yourself, who you are inside, and how you might want to project it toward others. Let me give you two directories to look at that are good. You should focus on finding a psychologist or psychotherapist in your area who practices in a psychodynamic orientation along with CBT for practical skills.

The NHS is not very comprehensive or quick with therapy, so you might want to contact a psychotherapist on your own and see if they will work on a sliding scale if you need to. If your doctor isn't able to refer to anyone, here is the web address for the UK association of humanistic psychotherapists. Ask them there if they do CBT work as well as psychodynamic therapy or if they can refer you to someone. Here's the web site; they have a search for therapists there.

Here is the British Psychology Society's directory:

Okay, I wish you the very best!

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