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DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 384
Experience:  I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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I am a very attractive 62 year old lady and I live with my

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I am a very attractive 62 year old lady and I live with my partner of two years, a handsome 42 year old Asian Muslim. He wants me to marry him. Today I found some images on the laptop he uses, quite by chance, hidden in a folder marked 'Music' of all things. I had hoped to access some music, but instead, images came onto the computer screen. The images are of very young girls indeed, sucking penises. And there was one of young girls kissing each other. These are pornographic are they not? Some of the girls looked around six or seven years of age. These images were downloaded before I knew him.
My partner is a bus driver, and last week I found out that he has been echanging texts with a fifteen year old school girl and indeed her mother, it must be said, to offer them free rides on his bus. The girl has a crush on my partner, but of course both the girl and her mother want to ride for free on the bus, so being friendly to the local bus drivers is advantageous to them.
Naturally when I found out what had been going on I told my partner it had to stop. He removed their phone numbers from his mobile, and told the girl and her mother that they will have to take whatever bus comes along, and not text or call him.
He has not bothered with FaceBook since I have known him, but went on it briefly two months ago and sent some silly messages to young girls asking for their phone numbers and telling them that he loved them and would they like to exchange pictures of body parts etc... We had had a bit of an altercation, and he did went on FaceBook and did all this because he was upset with me... I had injured my leg helping him to chop up some trees that he had cut down for me and I had become somewhat stressed with the pain in my leg ... He did not expect to actually receive any responses, and cancelled them off afterwards.
He has now de-activated his FaceBook account, there was no-one on it anyway.
He has been very generous indeed towards me, tells me he loves me very much. He says I am the most important and lovely thing that has ever entered his life, and I must say, I love him very much. He is very religious and wants me to learn the Islamic prayers that he deems are important, I find that kind of thing easy enough.
However, I am not too happy about today's discovery of these images of young girls, downloaded a year before I knew him. How do you balance a concern for religious observance with pornography?
Please tell me what you think about all this, before I go through he marriage ceremony. ( It is not the British legal ceremony, it is just the Muslim religious one.) I have no intention of signing any legal documents! Ever! Your views would be much appreciated.
How do you balance a concern for religious observance with pornography?
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Oops--I'm sorry--this was not my response. It was only a small part of a response. Somehow I hit a wrong key and nothing was saved. :-(
First, I'm Dr. Jackie, an interpersonal communication researcher/professor and relationship expert/counselor. And essentially what I wrote is that you really need to take a step back and look at the big picture.
I know you love him and he seems to love you as well. However, he also is a Muslim, yes? Well, flirting with 15-year-old girls and giving them and their moms free bus rides are not really part of the life of a devout Muslim. It seems like if you had not caught him, he would still be engaging in this behavior. And you really do not know if there are not others, right? Can you trust him?
What concerns me the most is the kiddie porn on his computer. I don't care if he downloaded it TEN years before you met, it's not only very anti-Muslim but it's illegal!!! I am concerned that he seems to use religion when it suits him. Does he consider himself the head of the house like as is traditional of the Muslim religion? He wants you to convert, yes? But has he ever considered converting to YOUR religion? Also, living together before marriage or any type of pre-marital sex or sex outside the marriage is wrong according to the Muslim faith, yet he seems to be OK with it. Yet in contrast, he wants you to learn all the prayers, marry him in a Muslim ceremony, etc.
In short, it seems like he is full of contradictions when it comes to his faith. It concerns me the most that he is lying (by omission) about his behaviors with women and young girls. And the kiddie porn is a deal-breaker, I would think.
Please, please think long and hard before you enter into any kind of marriage with him. I don't mean to make him out to be a horrible person. But I do think he is hypocritical and uses his faith when it "suits him." Leopards do not change their spots--at least not over night. If he downloaded kiddie porn, unless he got therapy and counseling, there is only about a 1% chance that he has fully given it up. People do not change their behaviors overnight or without a life-changing event like an intervention/therapy/counseling.
Search your soul before you marry him! If you want to talk, I'll send you my phone and Skype info. I hope this helps. And I'm happy to chat more with you.
--Dr. Jackie