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DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 383
Experience:  I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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In reply to your answer about the Muslim

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I was just replying to the answer you gave me about my Muslim partner...Yes, obviously I cannot trust him, he has proved himself to be a liar. He does use his religion when it suits him, which is hypocritical, bearing in mind his behaviour with the teenager, the internet FaceBook, and now the internet porn. Living with him lately is like feeling the thousand shocks that flesh is heir to... it all seems extremely immature behaviour....I have another would- be suitor, who is older, in his sixties, that one could trust implicitly.... what a difference!  But I love my partner... I will just have to keep my eyes wide open.... I have no illusions ... somehow I need to tackle him about the internet porn... but I don't really want him to know how I found it... he always leaves me his lap-top to use though, and doesn't put it away or anything... I will have to go about it in a round - about way... talking about someone else ... Anne..

Hi Anne,
I want to help--you can't trust him but you love him. I do understand that. I have talked with many clients, many of whom are women, who love their partners but do not trust them. But I want your life to be happy and love-filled. It is hard to do that when you are constantly worried about trusting him, checking his computer or phone or any other device.
Trust is the cornerstone in any relationship. You can love people while in a relationship (or even after you break up); you can not love people and still be in a relationship (happens all the time in couples who have been together for a long time). And yes, you can have a relationship with or without trust. But you can't really have a relationship without commitment. And I just wonder how you can commit to someone you don't trust before you get married.
I don't want to talk you out of anything--that is not why I'm on the site. I just want you to think about the statistics. I know you want to "tackle him about the internet porn." But you can't change his behavior, and he is very unlikely to change his behavior without help. In fact, statistical studies show that unless there is a life-changing event (near-death experience or loss of a loved one or an intervention such as counseling/therapy), there is only a 1% chance he will change.
I care about your satisfaction not just with my answers but with how you decide to move forward. I want you to be happy. And I do wish you the best. I really do hope he changes, but statistically, at least without intervention, it really isn't probable. I wish you the best in whatever you decide!
Take good care,
--Dr. Jackie
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