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DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 379
Experience:  I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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My partner of 4 years is being treated he has always

Customer Question

My partner of 4 years is being treated for PSD he has always been aggressive verbally to me and physical towards other men but in the past year he shouts swears directly into my face then he storms out and says he is leaving. He puts me down with my appearance and says I cause him to feel inadequate etc, What shall I do, do I put up with is behaviour because he is ill or should I leave as this is now a abusive relationship. He shouts at me about 3 times on average per day
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
I am Dr. Jackie, an interpersonal communication researcher/professor and relationship expert/counselor. And I am so sorry you are going through this. No one, I don't care what your partner is going through, deserves to be physically, emotionally, or mentally abused.
You say he has been treated for PTSD. Either he needs different treatment for his illness or else it isn't / hasn't kicked in yet. Regardless, I can tell you that the insults and physical abuse is only going to escalate until you end up in the hospital... Or morgue. I am sorry to be so graphic, but without intervention like counseling (and that certainly is not guaranteed to work), there is about a 1% chance he will change.
In summary, I would not live with those odds. My recommendation: get out NOW and I mean NOW. Forget possessions that can be replaced. Stay wherever you can--friend, family, neighbor--a shelter if you have to until you can get a restraining order and figure out next move. If you don't, there may not be a second move.
I am not saying that you have to stop caring about your partner. We cannot control whom we love. But the best thing you can do for both of you is to get out and get safe. If he is going to change, it will be through professional help, which to date is not helping. You loving him WILL NOT HELP. In his sickened mind right now, your staying is enabling him.
I am happy to talk more, chat with you, and give you my contact for phone and Skype. But for now, please take care of you--by doing so it is the best thing for him, too. Research proves that. And deep down, I think you know it also.
I want to keep helping--if you accept my answer and write back, I will keep chatting with you if you want.
Please let me know,
--Dr. Jackie
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
I was just checking back. I don't see an "ACCEPT" of my answer. I hope my answer was not harsh. I am always very concerned for my customers and clients who are in an abusive relationship. So I am pretty firm because I try to stress how important it is that you remove yourself physically from the situation. You can't be objective or think 100% rationally when you are there. At least moving out, you will get distance not just physically to protect your physical safety; but you will get emotional distance, which in turn will help you think more clearly.
You do not have to stop loving him--that wouldn't happen over night anyway. But you do need to protect yourself. Please let me know that you will at least think about what I have said. If you feel like my advice is terrible and want to give me a low rating, before you do, would you chat with me first? Again, I don't sugar-coat anything, especially when I fear that the life of a customer or client is being threatened. It's my job to try to get you motivated to help yourself. And I'm happy to chat more on here or on the phone/text or via Skype phone or Skype text...whatever method works for you. Give me the chance to help, please.
Please let me know,
--Dr. Jackie