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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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My husband was given money by his parents as part of an inheritance

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My husband was given money by his parents as part of an inheritance they received. He was asked, by his mother, to keep it for himself and use it toward a business he was setting up. His brothers received the same sum £25k each and it was decided that each would keep this from his spouse. This was 6 months ago and now (after me quizzing him about his finances and it being clear that there was something hidden) he has shared this knowledge with me. I have been the breadwinner in our family for the 23 years of our relationship and have supported my husband in numerous business ventures. He works hard but rarely makes much money and I do feel for him, however I am now 46 earning over £40k a year and in massive debt (around £20k). He thinks I have been on a career path and that he has supported me thorough it whereas I am resentful that I was unable to be there for my children when they were little and would have dearly loved to have started a business venture of my own rather than do the job I do (teaching). There have been years when he has contributed almost no money to our joint account while I have had to use credit cards to pay bills. I am so cross that he hid this money from me and did as his mother asked him to do. For me trust is fundamental in a relationship and I thought we both understood that. He also watched me struggle at the end of the month for the last 6 months but at the last minute managed to put £1000 into our account each time. I am currently £3000 overdrawn as I changed jobs recently and we moved house and our joint account is overdrawn by £1000. I am looking at £100's of pounds thrown away on fees and interest during a period when he sat on the money without telling me. He says that the intention was always to tell me. Now I feel as though I have lost all possibility of a relationship with him and his family as I cannot be complicit in this lie and don't want to face my sisters in law until this is all out in the open. I don't, however want to be the one who breaks this news to them. We have 2 children but, sadly it looks as though our marriage is not going to survive this crisis. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.
That's horrible what your husband has done and I can certainly understand why you are upset. I do not understand why his family would want him to hide the money. That is not very good advice on their part meanwhile he has been married with you for 23 years and has children. I think he should have spoken up to them in the first place or ended up being open with you about the money regardless especially through all the financial issus he knew about. I can certainly understand why the trust is gone. Whether or not you both can get through this I believe weighs on how strong your foundation is. If you both have a strong foundation prior to this then I believe this can be worked through since it does not seem as if he did this in a malicious fashion. I believe it was more of him being naive and just obeying his family rather than thinking for himself. This still does not make it right, but makes it easier to work through. Now if you both have other issues going on or a weak foundation then getting through this will be a lot tougher. It sounds like you are resentful to him since you had to work and could not stay with the children nor have a chance to try your own business. You have this right and I do not blame you. However, at this point I would try to separate those feelings with what just happened. Because then you will just be accumulating anger and will explode maybe making decisions that otherwise you would not make. If you do want to work through this then I would discuss how you feel about all the financial issues and your feelings regarding being with the childeen and your own business. It would be good for him to know these things as well as you get them out. Once you let him know all this I believe you will feel a lot better and will also help to heal your marriage if that's what you both want to do.
I wish you the very best and please let me know if I can be of further help.
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