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Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question
Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I have been married ten years and have a beautiful daughter

Customer Question

I have been married ten years and have a beautiful daughter but the last couple of years things have drifted between me and my husband. I don't particularly want the marraige to end and we do get on but I suppose I want something just for me away from the reality and stresses of everyday life. Anyway, nine months ago I met a man in a similar position to myself. He had been married 30 years with three grown up children. He is a successful businessman who is fifteen years older than me although you wouldn't think it to look at him. He is a very fit 57 year old. We clicked straight away and for a couple of months we just used used to meet up occasionally for lunch or a drink. In March the relationship between us deepened and we started sleeping together. We only ever met up every few weeks as we agreed neither of us wanted to break up two families. In June things changed he claimed that his wife was worried that he was distracted and thought maybe he could be ill or seeing someone else. (He has admitted to having a couple of affairs in the past when he was younger, one of which she knows about and forgave him for). Anyway it seemed to shake him up and he cooled things with me. I was a little disappointed but it is what it is. Then a couple of weeks later he gets a text message saying ' I know about your affair. I saw you at xxx' and a copy of a hotel invoice and letter is sent to his wife. Luckily he got to it first. He confided in me that he met a couple of women recently through an extra marital dating sight but that when he met me he came off the sites as he had found what he was looking for. Things quietened down and we recently resumed our relationship although I'm a little unsure as to his motives for wanting to resume seeing me. Ever since this happened he seems a little distant. He doesn't flirt in his texts anymore and when we do meet our meetings are shorter and we only ever seem to have a couple of drinks and sex ... no more nice lunches. I don't understand this distancing himself from me and I have even wondered if he may of thought that I could of sent the messages to try and tell his wife and is only seeing me now because he thinks if he doesn't I will tell her everything. Of course I wouldn't as it would only end up with my husband finding out. I really don't know what to think. He is lovely when we are together and without being crude, the sex is mind blowing. But when we are apart he seems reluctant to flirt although we do text two to three times a week. Maybe after what happened he is being cautious but then why risk seeing me at all? Then to confuse me even further for my birthday he bought me a vibrator. We have used one during our love making so he knows I enjoy such things but not sure what message he's trying to give. Any thoughts and or advice on this one would be greatfully received.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Hi, It's hard to know what he is thinking or his reasons for doing things. However, I think he cooled off when the letter was sent because he was afraid of his wife finding out. He may or may not believe that you sent it. Anyone could have sent it especially if he was with other women as well. It could be any of them. He probably doesn't flirt as much since he is worried about his wife finding out same goes for the lunches. I think he just wants to do things in a more secretive fashion.As for the vibrator I believe he got it for you because he knows you enjoy it. If he has further intentions only he knows the answer to that one. It is best to decide if this is truly what you want. It is difficult to want things from a married man. When an individual is married then it will always feel as if there is something wrong since the relationship is hidden. I would consider if you truly want to risk your marriage over this. What if your husband finds out. I would weight it all out because if you do not want to lose your family then it may be best to stop this relationship. This is because you can never fully have what you deserve with this other man unless you both were to leave your spouses. It seems like lots of decisions need to be made. Stay true to yourself because if you want your family I would advise you to try and work on your marriage. Stress of life gets to us all, but our families should be the ones to help us with that and be our happy place. You should also be able to have free time for yourself to do things that you enjoy. I wish you the very best and please let me know if I can be of further help.