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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3784
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I have been with my boyfriend years exactly. He

Customer Question

Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years exactly. He is British (24) and I am Eastern European (25). After he graduated uni (almost 2 years ago) he moved back to his city and lives with his parents. We meet every weekend. Every time I go to his place I get to see his parens. He takes me to family events, I have friendly relationship with his family and everything is fine in that matter. He is nice, loving and caring. The problem is that in 3 year time I have met his closest friends twice for couple of hours. I have told him how much I'd like to hang out with his friends especially now when all my friends have moved away and I have no social life here. Knowing that he still deliberately avoids taking me out with his friends.. Some weekends he would ask me to get earlier train home so he can go out with his friends... There have been times when his friends invited me to hang out with them but boyfriend didn't even say a word about it (I usually find it out from his parents). We have talked about it many times and all I ever hear from him is some silly excuse... Have to say that I am not the most sociable person and can be very shy between people I don't know.. but he knows that I'd love to hang out with his friends. He meets his friends at least once a week and goes out with them at least twice a month. They are decent guys from how much I know them. It makes me feel very self conscious and really bothers me.. He knows that and still won't do anything about it. I'm just trying to understand why? Should I be concerned or am I creating problems that don't exist?

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.
It sounds to me like everything is going very well. I don't see a reason for concern...this may be the area that he just wants his guy time to hang and be free. I am not hearing anything that tells me he isn't being faithful...he just may want this space and keep that boundary for now. Pushing it makes the issue may happen naturally when he is ready. All other things and involvement sound great.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thanks. it made me worry less, however I recently found out that he has been having a very frequent, overly friendly chat on whatsapp with a married woman. Messages involve 'miss you' xxx and hearts from both sides. He never sends back xxx hearts or anything to his other guy or girl friends. He is not that type.

He always keeps his phone on silence and carries it everywhere with him.. and takes ages in toilet (now I know why)

I did not know any of this until last week when I decided to see who he's been chatting to. So I asked him to show me his messages... he hesitated but gave me his PIN and I came across to messages from his friends and few girls. As I started reading one chat he got very nervous and took the phone away from me.

He said I have nothing to worry about as she is a married woman, his ex-colleague and showed me a picture of her in a wedding dress.

Now I've started to pay more attention to all this phone situation and noticed that he checks his phone all the time, it's mostly football scores that I find him checking on his phone but it makes me wonder if that is the only reason.

He always stays up late and goes to bed after me. This morning I secretly checked his phone again whilst he was in a shower. All the old messages were deleted and he had a new message from this married woman received early in the morning. Also checked his facebook and she has liked most of his pictures. I know I am making the situation worse by checking him and stalking his facebook but I just feel sick now as they have been chatting to each other like that for over a year now. Dont know how frequent it was before but it seems a bit too frequent now.

He is still loving and caring.. and I feel like i am starting to turn into a jealous monster because of all this.

Have to say I am no angel, I used to have chats like that with few guys over a year ago when we were having a crisis in our relationship. I had no intention to cheat on him, just wanted to ease my pain. Now I don't even want to chat with other guys as everything seems great... I'm probably worried because I have done the same thing the only difference is that we were having a crisis back then... and my messages did not involve hearts and 'miss you'.

I am very bad at dealing with situations like this... What should I do? I cannot be as nice and sweet to him anymore and he knows that something is not right.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.

It sounds to me like you could both benefit from sitting down together in a quiet and loving moment to check in where things are within your relationship and if you are both on track and still share the desire to be together. Texting other people with hearts and I miss you is not the way to be while in a relationship, even if she is married. You both have had this experience and now there is mistrust and checking is taking place. Without accusations, I would go to him and have this check in talk to make sure you both still desire the same things. And if you do, I would let him know how this texting has hurt you and caused some mistrust and ask that it not be a part of your relationship. Sure, he can have friends, but these types of texts may be a bit out of bounds for someone while in a serious relationship.