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Cher, Relationship Advisor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21570
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Confidante, Friend
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MY girlfriend says she wants to break up with me to protect

Customer Question

MY girlfriend says she wants to break up with me to protect me.
About 5 months ago we met online. We have been practically inseparable since, even though we live thousands of miles apart with a 6 hour difference. She would work form home so webcam chatting was a very easy option.
It blossomed into love, she said the L word first. I was shocked and it took me a while to be in the same place where I could reciprocate. I didn't think you could fall in love with a face on a computer screen. We spoke often about the future though I always said we shouldn't, we should focus on 'us' now then the future will come. I didn't want either of us to get hurt. After all we in a shall I way, inconvenient, circumstances.
I have been saving money to visit her and share two weeks together.
She has had a hard life. She jumped into a marriage. She never really dated. 2 kids, one who has seen a lot of illness in his life. She is separated from her psychotic rapist husband. She moved out while we've been together. Money is tight, the youngest isn't taking well to the move, calling her a 'mean mommy', her job is kicking her down so hard, just too much to do. She has a severe neck pain from a car accident. To top it off she is on her period too. Now I wouldn't normally mention that but it all seemed to accumulate into a perfect storm for her.
She's always been afraid of hurting me she said. She'd mentioned it in the past. But I have been able to set her mind at ease. I'd tell her that's the risk you take when you fall in love.
She tends to hide information from me, she slowly revealed she had a kid, then another, then a husband who was moving back in. She always felt guilt for that sort of thing. I could take it surprisingly well, I just liked her so much.
A few days before I was set to buy tickets to come and see her she starts thinking about how it was going to effect the children and how she needed to protect them. Which is completely fair. I've never held the children against her and knew they came first. I slumped when she said it, it had clearly taken the wind out of my sails. She noticed.
Later that night I received a message saying she wanted to break up. Desperate messages and phone calls trying to keep her talking happened. She did eventually talked. We were able to have our usual online date. Spent the whole day together chatting and laughing. I even sent her flowers with a card which she was clearly taken by. Everything seemed fine...
She had to leave the call and go out, take her son to the library, said she'd call back. I left her for about 2 hours. Asked if she would be speaking to me late. A very cold 'I have lots of work to do' came in reply. A few other messages in a similar tone came.
She was pushing me away again. What happened that afternoon? We had a perfect morning, we felt like us again.
More and more desperate messages and calls. I was becoming a nuisance. I threatened to come out there and see her. She told me in a very icy tone that I was being cruel. I exclaimed "I'm being cruel?!". Claiming she was leaving no other option. That scared her. She told me "you once promised you'd never come out uninvited", I replied "you once promised not to break up til we'd met in person".
I left the conversation there. I went for a walk to call down. I realised how bad I had been. She was stressed, broken, tired and hurting. I was not helping. I asked her if I could email her a proposition, a way we could try and save face. She consented. We agreed she would read it in a few days.
My proposition simply stated that we didn't need to break up, we could just calm things down, put 'us' on hold for a while, week, month, wait til new year. Hopefully her circumstances would change and she'd have room in her life for me. I reminded her of why we were good together, she had always been the one that seemed more into the relationship, by which I mean I always took a slightly reserved stance cause of the circumstances. But it was such a sweet romance, I fell in love. I outlined my apology, our relationship, the future if she wanted it, tried to set her mind at ease.
Its been two days since I sent the email. I'm just waiting for her reply. I am terrified. I miss her so much.
I know this is just a waiting game now. But any advice you can provide would be something. This is a new experience for her and me. We're both scared. But she's pushed to breaking.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.
Hi Ron, and welcome. I'm sorry you didn't receive an earlier answer. Different experts are online at various times and I was just notified of your question. Your patience is greatly appreciated! I'm so sorry that your girlfriend broke up with you suddenly, and I know how distressing this can be. The thing with online romances, is that, especially when you live very far apart, you 'think' or 'feel' like you're getting to know each other well, but that's not really possible unless you spend time together in person. I'm not saying that anything she told you was untrue, but my suspicions were aroused when you said you wanted to come and were buying plane tickets and she freaked out. There may be a reason or several reasons she doesn't want you to come to see her and it has nothing to do with the person YOU are. It may seem like she has something to hide or maybe she's embarrassed about where she's living, etc. I think if you came to see her, things would become too 'real,' and she feels she may not be able to handle that. Speaking on Skype and through email, etc., is so much different than actually meeting in person. As you said, she mentioned you would never make a 'surprise' visit and she also did withhold information from you at the beginning, and it took her a long time to tell you certain important things. I understand why you're both scared, but because she's only a face on a computer screen, you don't really know what her life is like. I think at this particular time, you both need some time apart (from communication) and then, in about a week, if you haven't heard back from her, try contacting her again. If you don't hear back, just ask her 'why?' Why is she acting like this and what can you do to help because all that you're concerned with is seeing her happy and helping as much as you can. By 'help,' I mean emotional support, and not financial support. If she has ever asked you for money or you have volunteered to send her money and she accepted, this starts to seem like she's not who she portrays herself to be. I'm sorry if this is not what you expected or wanted to hear, but I've been in a similar situation and learned from my experiences. You just have to be very wary and since everyone can be anyone on the internet, you always have to keep this in the back of your mind. I'm only saying this to try to protect you and save you from any more heartache, if she's not who she says she is. On the other hand, everything she says could be the absolute truth, but it's just hard for you to know, because you live so far apart. I'm praying for you that everything works out the way you want it to and you (and she) are happy! Warmest regards,Cher
Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.
Hi again, Ron.

I'm just checking in with you to see how everything is going and if you found my answer helpful.

If you found my answer helpful, please say so here, and if you need any additional information or wish to discuss this further, I will welcome your reply.

Warmest wishes,