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TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5928
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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My partner of 5 years and I had a wonderful relationship

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My partner of 5 years and I had a wonderful relationship here in Uk . Then her daughter was involved in Appendecyomy and serious medical malpractice surgery in Africa. My partner quickly left Our house in UK and went down to assist her daughter . she was
away for nearly 4 weeks. Her daughter was air ambulanced to a good hospital in Joburg where corrective surgery was done. My partner has blamed me for not coming down to support her and for one year cannot get over the fact I did not fly to Joburg to be with
her. It showed no love or concern she says. I was on Skyoe with her most nights. We had no spare cash and my company was downsizing and indeed I was given notice three days after she returned. It's been a year and we have broken up over this S she cannot forgive
me . I think she has PTSD still . Was I wrong ? How can I help her understand or move on?
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question. It is common in relationships for people to have different ideas about how to show their love to a partner. And in your case, it sounds like your partner felt that the only way you could support her and truly love her at the time of her daughter's illness and legal issue was to be there in person. Sometimes those expectations are realistic, but sometimes they are not. Partners often come into a relationship with certain expectations based on past needs that were not fulfilled. For example, someone may come from a childhood where they were neglected or abused. Or there was conflict between their parents. Because they did not get the love they needed, they seek that need in their relationships when they are adults without realizing where the needs come from. Expecting you to give up everything to be there for your partner is a lot to ask and says that it is possible your partner feels she must have her expectations fulfilled or that means you don't love her. In your case, it was not financially possible to fly to Africa and spend a lot of time away from your job being there for your partner. So you did the next best thing and made sure to contact your partner via Skype. But your partner expected more. Expecting more from you when you were unable to give it for valid reasons is being unreasonable on her part. Also, her reaction was to give up a long term relationship with you over one incident, giving more proof that this issue was more about her than about your relationship. In order to repair the relationship, you can try a couple of things. One, tell your partner that you wanted very much to be there for her. Let her know how much you do love her. But don't defend yourself about what happened. If she brings it up, tell her that you love her and truly wanted to be there. See how she reacts. If you can get her to reconsider, you may have a way to get back together. Two, ask your partner to try counseling with you. The best way to deal with this issue is to find out why she has unrealistic expectations of you and love in general. That will address the past and any future problems that could occur because of her expectations around your proof that you love her. I hope this has helped you,Kate May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
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