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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 722
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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How to resolve - what seems like a messy situation - with my

Customer Question

How to resolve - what seems like a messy situation - with my boyfriend?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
My boyfriend - whom I love very much - and I were together for three years. Last year around this time I lost my fourth pregnancy and I was very down, consequently, I broke up with him because I wanted him to be happy. I felt that I couldn't give him a family and wanted him to have a happy life. He is 10 years younger than me. He did say he loves me with or without a baby but I was worried that later down the line he may feel differently and will be unhappy. I was hoping he would come to see me, talk to me and reassure me, appreciate how I feel but he never did. On the other hand, I appreciate the space. I focused on myself, my healing, went to Church, prayed for him too and kept in touch with him by sending him an email occasionally. He never responded. We got together again but during the three months we were apart he developed a relationship with a young woman from his country (Sudan). He was expected to marry. He showed me all the photos, messages ... she was texting him saying that she wants to give him babies ... I was very hurt as I felt that during the time I spent on healing, going to Church, praying for him, myself and our baby/ ies .. he was developing a relationship with another woman. Also, I didnt understand why he had to tell me all the details and one night he was shouting at me, telling me we have no future. Anyhow, although heart broken I was unable to let go and stayed with him. I also lost a job - a big promotion - but relatively quickly found a new job, working for the Church. I found faith in God and slowly I rebuilt my confidence and worked on developing myself spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. My boyfriend was quite controlling and found it difficult to trust me and I found it quite draining, as I often found myself explaining myself, my actions, justifying, reassuring him ... One day he demanded to check my mobile and although he did check my phone on a couple of occasions - to my distaste - this time I really was not happy, I felt I had nothing to hide, nothing to justify and I felt tired of us wasting precious time on arguments rather than focusing on our relationship. He walked away fro me - not the first time - and when i caught up with him I threw my phone at him and also slapped him across the face. This was out of character for me but I understood where the pent up anger, frustration came from. I felt hurt that he couldn't see a bigger picture: he was a man I loved, was trying to have a baby with him, went through a lot of pain and last thing I needed was him checking my phone and us arguing who called me. It was a waste of time to me and I also I didnt want to be treated like a child anymore. He broke up with me few days later, told me that he never loved me, that he can have anyone he wants and as that is the case why should he be with me if he can be with a younger woman? etc etc I accepted the break up and focused on myself. i had a lovely summer, reconnected with myself, my friends and found peace. We got back together again a month or so later, I was a little hesitant but thought Ill be able to deal with issues as they arise as I found inner peace. I no longer reacted to his dramas, moods and was able to remain patient, calm and was also somewhat detached. He tried too and responded similarly. He did say that we were closest to each other than we have ever been, he said he was happy. I tried to find out from him how he feels about marriage, he was not happy to talk about it, said that we are happy as we are so why change anything but he did say that if his family knew he was with me they would find him a bride (he is a Muslim). I just wanted to know how he feels about marriage, are we heading in that direction etc and did say that we do not have to marry if he feels its not for him. I suggested we live together, he somewhat reluctantly agreed. He said it is not going to work and my reply was that if he has that mindset that no, it will not work. Anyhow, he moved in, sort of - his suitcase was in his car, outside my house - which i found strange but I switched of emotionally somewhat, determined to just observe, give it my best and see how it goes. he was cooking, bought me a lovely stereo but few days later he broke up with me. What happened: I had migraine, he works shifts and one night he came 'home' after work, woke me up by turning the lights off. I got up to turn the lights of, bumped into him on the landing and I still remember his eyes lit up when he saw me but I grumbled about the fact that he turned the lights on despite knowing I was unwell. Next morning he left my house, wouldnt speak to me and went I went to see him, broke up with me.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Hi, Thanks for your question. Do you have a specific question or would like my advice on the whole situation? Thanks