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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I am in a fresh relationship (4 months). I am 26 and

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Hello! I am in a fresh relationship (4 months). I am 26 and he is 30. When I met him, I didn't expect my life to take such a turn. He was honest (can't tell 100+ cause I am the kind of person to keep some doubts for myself) with me right from the start, at the second meeting he mentioned that he was married before and he has 3 children with that woman. It all happened when he was very young, and he is divorced for 7 years (haven't seen the divorce proof though - more doubts for me). Then he told me that after 2 years after his divorce had a relationship with a woman for almost 4 years but splitted from her 6 months before he met me. It was a hard pill to swallow cause I never imagined my life like this, falling in love with a man that already has children. But I said to myself that everyone had a past and I am not the one to judge only based on that. After two weeks of relationship, his ex girlfriend finds out about us and she hacked his skype and contacted me. She send me scans that she is pregnant with him, and just because they are not together anymore (she confirmed his story), I should leave this man cause now she wants him back. He said he didn't know about this baby thing, as 3 months after they break-up she lived in another country and never give any sign. The reason he told me they broke up was this: while he was in his home-country to visit his family after a few years, she was jealous and asked him to come back to her straight away and he didn't do it so she throws all his documents (including that divorce paper) and other things. She confirmed that she distroied most of his things but pretend he knew about the baby. The baby is supposed to be born soon and he will make the test to make sure that the baby is his. And he will take responsability for the child if that's the case. But for her it's not enough as she keeps trying to put me down. Saying bad words towards me and the way I won't be able to compete with the love that they share and the fact that the baby will bring him back to her. He said that he has no more feelings for her and until that test is made he refuse to have any kind of contact with her. She keeps calling everyone in his familie, like cousins or aunties. Although we are only for 4 months together, I have no children, I had my first abortion with him 2 weeks ago. It was an accident even though we used protection. I wasn't prepared for this and in our situation I had to make this decision. But I am heartbroken. I have no problems with his ex-wife, but his ex-girlfriend starts drama whenever she can (even with the ex-wife, I have seen some very disrespectful messages, similar to the one towards me). I am having a hard time to handle all this drama, especially after the abortion, I am not feeling like myself anymore. I need an advice how I can regain my peace of mind in this situation and how should I handle all this new baby-mama drama that's coming from his ex"! She already said that she will use that child so she can have him back and destroy us. She already hacked his social accounts several times, went to places where I go and take pictures of herself there just so I know she's ''after us''. I am feeling really stressed lately, the abortion, this new baby, the facts that my parents are not accepting him cause of racist reasons and so on. Please tell me, how should I approach this situation as wisely as possible" Thank you!
Kind regards,
Hello. I'm sorry she is putting you thought all of this ! My first question back to you is, how is HE handling all of this ? You didn't mention anything about his reaction, other than he will take responsibility for the child, if it is his. When is her baby due ? This entire situation hinges on if the baby is his or not and what your future with him will be like. If it is his, you are going to be in for a very stressful and difficult time if he does not handle his ex girlfriend properly. I the baby is NOT his, then you have some more room to fight back and hope she goes away or goes after the real father of the child. I know it isn't easy, but having a "wait and see" attitude about the baby would be a good start. In addition, I'd like to know his response and attitude? Does he attempt to stop her behavior? Is he passive about it ? If he is not supportive of your stress and feelings about this, I would consider that a major red flag. He should be stepping in and trying to handle all of this. Does he think the baby is his? Your peace of mind rests on if you are in a relationship with someone willing to step up and be a team with you, or someone who doesn't think any of it is a big deal. This isn't your fight. He needs to be there. Is he ?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
He was very supportive in all the moments when I truly needed him. Even when I had the abortion, he came with me at the clinic and then home to look after me. At first I was considering breaking up with him after this, but the way he was looking after me and treated me day by day (he always ask about how am I feeling, how my body is...), and even want to get a tattoo with the date of abortion and the name ''angel'' (because we don't lnow if it was a boy or a girl). When it comes to his ex, he got very angry when she started doing all this and tried to put her in her corner. He even wanted to go to the police. I said no, because I was thinking about her children (she has another 2 children with 2 different men, that are not involved at all in their lifes). I chose the ''ignorance is blessing'' way and not to respond to all the bad words against me. She was attacking him too by using me, and send him messages with bad words about me. So I;ve told her to let her say anything she wants but not to fuel the fire. Their baby is due next month, I don't know much about it because he refused to get involved with everything about that thing until the baby is born and the test is made. I am pretty sure that the baby is his, otherwise she wouldn't insist that much. He is very frustrated about this whole situation, because he feels trapped. His family say that this women went away in another country so she can be sure that he won't try to make her do an abortion.
Ok, well at least he is supportive. So then I'd ask this...if the baby is his, then what ? You have gotten a taste of what his ex is like and it appears that her behavior isn't going to stop any time soon. She is using the child to get him back, which is a terrible thing to do. She will then have 3 children by 3 different men and most likely takes the support $$ and that's it. It seems as though your boyfriend is in fact, trapped. You are going to be trapped with him too unless he handles this properly. It is really on him more than it is on you as far as your relationship and your future. How he handles the baby and his ex and how much of this stress is allowed to get through you and how much of a "filter" he becomes. So as for you and how you can handle this, you need to do what's best for you. Is he worth the drama ? If this doesn't end for years and he is constantly harassed by his ex, can you handle that for awhile ? If the answer is no, then you need to make a decision for your own sanity. She likes driving you nuts and likes the thought of you possibly considering leaving him because of her. Are you going to give her that satisfaction ? How much of your future do you want to sacrifice to his issues ? There really isn't a right or wrong answer, it's your decision. You just need to see what is likely ahead for you and decide what to do based on that. You need to be yourself and he needs to support you and protect you 100%. Weigh the differences and figure out what actions will make you the happiest.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
He said if the baby is his, he will look after the baby but not get involved in any kind of fights with her again or involve the police. He said that he will just leave her fight by herself until she gets tired and he will make sure that she won't be able to contact me or reach me by any mean. He said that's the only way he can protect me from her, by making sure she doesn't get to me again. He experienced this kind of thing with his ex-wife when she was trying to get together with him until she realised that isn't possible anymore. I don't know what to think about his answer. I feel like he is running away from the situation. And I don't know how I will be able to have a healthy relationship with him knowing that she will call in the name of the baby, or him going to see the child and she will be all over him. I know that trust is a must, but I have seen the way this woman handles situation. She doesn't ''play fair'' so I say.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
He said that he doesn't want his past to hurt me again, but he is aware that I will be hurting when I will be seeing picture with the new baby. And he is right. There are things that he can't protect me from. Is there a way to keep the relationship and have the peace of mind too? Especially that I had the abortion, I just lost my baby and now their baby comes.
Of course it can work. There will be the obvious challenges. You can only control your reactions and your responses to things and it sounds like you are aware of what is to come. He has said all the right things as far as how he plans on handling her and the new baby. She certainly has put him in a very difficult situation and it is what it is and what's done is done. She will most likely push him further away by her actions even though she feels it will bring him closer. It's a terrible shame that the baby is going to be the biggest victim in this emotional battle. While this entire scenario is difficult, you all can certainly work through it. There will be ups and downs, there will be great times, there will be stress. As long as you and him are honest, communicate thoroughly and act as a team, you will be fine. So yes, you can keep the relationship and have peace of mind. Those things will be challenged, but as I said, you can weather the storm as long as you and your boyfriend are on the same page. Don't forget that this is still a relationship between you and him. You and him ONLY. Yes there are other factors, but keep you and him intact. Keep out the water threatening to sink your ship. His parents don't matter, the ex's don't matter, nothing matters but you and him first and foremost. If it's at al possible you both need to make time for yourselves to be alone and have getaways where you feel like you are the only one in his world. That will be very important going forward. It will be easy to get lost in other people and other outside factors, make sue you guys both always come back to the center.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I am having a really difficult time to handle all the emotions that are pouring over me right now. We just had a discussion and he asked me exactly what I was thinking. How would I react when I am going to see picture with him and the baby being happy on social media, how am I going to feel. Only imagine this made me lose control. He found out today that it is going to be a boy and I already see a change in his attitude towards the baby, he is already playing the proud father figure, even if he constantly say to me that there's no chance for them to go back together. I told him that I hate that baby, thinking that I lost mine. I know that this is because of the anger and because of the hurt. I don't want to be a bad person, that child is completely innocent. How should I handle these emotions? What should I do when I will see the pictures, eventually with a description of how much ''daddy loves you''? Thank you!
You can't help how you feel. You can't tell yourself not to feel a certain way. You have no control over these things. The baby is innocent, and you have to at least think about his reaction in a positive way. Wouldn't you want a man to be happy and proud ? How he feels around his child is natural. If you choose in the future to have a baby with him, it will only be that much stronger with you. It would be worse if he didn't care at all about the baby. HE is showing human nature and showing HIS nature. He is showing that he is a good person with love and feelings towards his child. I know it is difficult for you and that is also natural. There is nothing wrong with you liking the new baby and having love and positivity towards him as well. it's understandable how you wouldn't and also how you would feel the opposite of that as well. Imagine how upset his ex would be if you were loving and positive though !! She expects you to hate him and to use that negativity. Don't change how you naturally feel of course, I just thought I'd put that out there as a possibility.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Loving children comes natural for me, I even work with children. At least that brings a bit of comfort after the abortion. I didn't had any problems with the other 3 children of his, I tried to be supportive and give him advices as I could. I do thought about the way he cares for his children and I appreciated that at him. And I still appreciate that he is not like the two other men that his ex has the children with, the one that are not involved at all. I know that if I give up now, she will be very happy for breakins us apart, even if she can't have him. But I don't want to play these kind of games. She is 31 and she thinks just because I am younger, I can't compete with her. She even said to me, that I can't compete with her 31 year ''ass'' (sorry for expression) and the baby. That I should leave that man alone, cause that's her man. She even tried to take me with the line ''if I met you in under circumstances, I am sure we would have been friends''. She tried everything, I didn't give her any satisfaction and I got my boyfriends back even if inside I was truly hurt. I don't want to be taken as a young naïve girl just because I don't fight back. Your words really put things in perspective for me and helps me see things beside my anger.
I think things will be ok. He sounds like a good guy and he treats you well. He has just put himself in a bad situation and unfortunately, you have to come along for the ride. This is one of those things you have to take day by day. You will have good days and bad days and that's ok and natural. Just make sure he knows that he has a big job ahead of him and one of those jobs is making sure you feel like you are his #1. He has a lot of others vying for his attention and love, so it might be difficult for him without reminders. Maybe she will eventually see that he wants nothing to do with her and she will back off. She needs to put her energy into her child and hopefully she will see that too.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you very much!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I have one more thing on my mind about this relationship. He is Nigerian and I am Romanian. Leaving all the drama with the ex, the baby, the abortion.. my parents are against him because of his race. I had a really big argument with them, they say that will never accept him because of the colour. (They do not know about any of his kids, they weren't even interested to find out his name). Now he will leave the city, because of the job. (3 hours distance by train). And it feels like lots of pressure, as I said only for a 4 month relationship. Thank you!
Very true. Parental pressure can be very difficult as they are your blood. You obviously don't want to cut ties with them or force distance. I'm sure you have said everything to them you should as far as this is your life, your choice and although you love and respect them, you are the one making these decisions. Try your best to keep the peace with them. If they won't accept him, you can't make them. Hopefully, if you both are together for a long time and the relationship grows, they will see that he makes you happy. 4 months is not a long time. Give THEM time as well.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I feel like since we spoke things so openly, my boyfriends think I put pressure on him. Even though he didn't said these words exactly, he's acting cold and say that he has lots of things on his mind. When I am trying to get an aswer for a question that bothers me, he backs up and say he doesn't know what to say, he already is so stressed. I am just trying to understand and accept the situation, to be supportive in all this even though it's hurting me too. But I feel like I am losing him. I don't know how to react or how to speak to him. I've tried to make him understand that I am not blaming him, but he didn't even know where we are standing now. He couldn't give me any answer, he say that are too much things on his mind and he can't give me an answer to that. I don't want to push him away but his actions now are hurting me even more. How should I approach the situation? What's the piece of the puzzle that I am missing? This confusion is eating me alive.
Men don't communicate the way women do. he probably does have a million things he could say but doesn't. That isn't him being cold, it's just the way most men are. I think you need to give him some space and some time and back off a bit and let him sort through things. Men are generally not talkers. They don't like discussing feelings or emotions. Try not to push for discussions about things right now. Keep things light and fun and normal with him. Even though it's the elephant in the room, let it go for awhile and let him feel comfortable around you. You don't want him to think that every time he is around you, he is going to have to answer questions or talk about his feelings. He will definitely not like that feeling. Make him feel like he wants to be around you and if that means dropping the major issue at hand for awhile, then that's what you need to do.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Wow, thank you for opening my eyes. I do feel like he is avoiding seeing me face to face, avoids speaking with me and I think he even lied several times about things just so he can have his space. I will try to follow your advice because it really seems like the right thing to do. Thank you!
Please keep me posted ! Good luck.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi! I am returning with some thoughts about the situation. I give him the space that he needs as you suggested but lots of thinking is happening in my brain. He's doing a lot of thinking too but seems to appreciate my decision to not put pressure anymore. I tried to keep myself busy but I am still thinking that I won't be able to stop the vengeful ex from her drama; it will likely persist over the 16-18 years she and he are responsible for raising this child. (hopefully not though). And another though is that even he says he no longer loves her, he apparently loved her enough 9 months ago. Can a love after 4 years disappear after this period of time?! Of course I can't tell what kind of relationship they had before, I only know that they had a hard period of 1 year or so before this break-up. Sometimes I found myself thinking if I am not just a bandage for his wounds. Even though he never made me feel like that. I only started thinking of this because of the problems we have lately. But can you stop loving someone so soon or the feeling are still there and this baby will bring them together (even if he is denying it). In the years since he first married (I know that he was too youn 18-19 years and he was with her only for 3 months when she had the first baby and was the reason he married with her), he has managed to fall out of love with two women and claims he's in love with me now. Makes me wonder whether he will stick with me. I usually know that past performance often predicts future performance. Am I thinking too negatively or am I judging him a little bit too harsh?
Well, I think that you need to just worry about the now. The future can be so varied, especially with the situation at hand, it's impossible to predict. As fas as their previous relationship, if she has other kids from other men and she left the country after to make sure he didn't force her to have an abortion, I would guess she is the kind of person who would trick him into having a baby. Maybe she said she was on the pill, maybe she manipulated the situation to make it happen. She seems to enjoy this predicament. Try not to judge him too harshly, it could be a number of factors. You are correct about the past will generally predict the future, but not always and don't get stuck on that. Given all of this situation which you are in, you should protect yourself as far as making sure you make no commitments financially or otherwise which would be devastating to you if he did leave or if you needed to leave. Remember, all you can control is you. Creating different scenarios will drive yourself crazy ! Go day by day, be cautious but optimistic, positive but guarded.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi! Since last time we spoke, I've followed your advice and gave him the space he needed. I've also tried to be sweet, not asking questions about the subject, avoiding any fights and things are good back again. Almost like they've used to be. He is opening up to me again, is supportive and tries as hard as me not to have problems again. I have changed my phone number but it seems that his ex found out my facebook account and tonight she has send me a message from her account. I did not respond and I am not planning to do it (so she send me friend request from a fake account) but I find it very hard not to lose my temper, knowing that tonight is only the start. His parerents are in contact with her and they keep calling him trying to convince him to call her, know how she is and so on. They say the baby will be due this week or so. He avoided even his parents, I feel like he's trying to avoid the whole situation as long as possible. He is not happy at all about it but he said that I will be the first to know when he decides to call her. He keeps repeating that he doesn't want to hurt me again, that the whole thing hurt me enough and will do his best to protect me. I am trying my best not to show what I really feel about this. I'm doing my best to support him, but I am scared that my temper will come out if she keeps pushing my buttons. I just want to avoid this drama and I don't know how to do it. My birthday is ***** two weeks time and me and my bf made nice plans for that weekend and he promised that even with eveything against him (parents, ex, baby) he will still celebrate my b-day like I did for him, that my b-day it will be the most important moment in his life then. I appreciate that he tries his best and I don't want to destroy anything. I don't know how should I react to the things that have been put in motion tonight, I am just full of anger. Thank you!
Well I guess that is good news...although I understand your anger. And there will be a time to express those feelings, right now, it's a waiting period. See if he stays true to his words and make you feel better that he is being truthful. I think you will relax more if he is being on your "side" though all of this as he says. This is difficult for him and he is dealing with a lot and your patience with him will pay off. As long as it isn't at the expense of your feelings, things should be ok. Keep me posted about things and how he is after the baby is born.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello! Tonight his ex contacted me and I accepted speaking with her. So I came with a plan, he called him and connected the lines so she can prove me she's not lying. Thursday he said that he meets with her at a pub to speak about the baby, but it seems like he was at her house and had sex with her. And the next day he cames at my place. So after that, I spoke with her, she pretended to be in pains so he can come to her house and I went there too. To both confront him. He was shoked when he saw me and reacted violent. he got us all into a fight, he slapped his ex, pushed her... he admitted that he slept with her that day, I just left. He was saying to be that he did it to get his baby because she didn't wanted him around and I know from her that she even wanted to give the baby away. But that's not an excuse to have sex, saying to her that we broke up before christamas, that he wants a relationship with her. I can't believe all the circus he made. I don't know what to say, or how to react to this situation. Any advices? Thank you!
Honestly, after all of need to walk away. He is not worth it. Someone who goes through all of that to lie, just isn't going to change for you. He slapped and pushed a woman weeks after she gave birth ? What sort of person would do that ? In my honest opinion, I think you need to get away from this entire situation. You gave him the opportunity to prove himself, you gave him the space and the respect. He proved that he is a liar and a cheater and an abuser. In my opinion, the best action you could take right now is for yourself. Which is walking away. I'm sorry it ended like this and he turned out to be the worst possible situation for you. You don't deserve to be treated that way.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
After that horrible moment when I've seen his true colours, exactly at the same night me and his ex still kept in touch. Now the whole situation is a little bit weird, we speak with hours on the phone, even laugh of some moments, get angry of others... almost like friends. Like this thing created a sort of bond between me and her. I don't really know how I feel about this, is really weird. As I said we speak daily and on and on for hours (for example today we spoke for 8 hours without break). I am ok when we speak and somehow I am not feeling that hurt for the moment but after I return to my mood and feel like crying. We even set up a meeting for the next week. The baby isn't borned yet (so he hitted her while still pregnant past the due day) and she blocked him all contacts. He is going mad now, literally I know more about the baby situation then he does. And I discovered that I don't hate that baby at all or her, I even put myself in front of her several times to protect her when he tried hitting her. I can't explain to myself why I did that. He is putting up quite a show with her (I might guess that he thinks she's the weak part of the game now because of the baby, he didn't contacted me after that at all). He didn't pushed me away or say that he doesn't want to be with me straight to my face even when she was there, but after I left he said that I came with the meeting idea because I want her and the baby dead. Made me look like a monster, but she saw my actions. And then more lies like I was stalking him or even pretend that he spoke with me on the phone, threatening that if his ex and the baby gets something he will kill me and so on. But I was chatting with her at exactly the same moment and she knew it was just a show. After all this, me being almost friends now (we even connected on FB too), still hurting because somehow in this sick situation I still have feelings for him... I don't know, I feel so lost.
He sounds like a very abusive person and you were right to protect her. If he would hit a pregnant woman, it frightens me to think what he might to do anyone else, including the baby!! I think the safest thing for you is to be as far from him as possible. If you have become fiends with his ex, so be it. Maybe it will be a great thing for you two. As far as he goes, neither one of you should be in a relationship with someone who would even think about hitting a pregnant woman ! That is completely inexcusable. You and her need to be very careful around him. I would even go so far as to not have him anywhere near either of you. He seems like a dangerous and scary person who might do something worse. Be careful !