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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3768
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I have been married weeks and have just found out

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Hi I have been married for 10 weeks and have just found out that my husband was having an inappropriate relationship four years ago with a 14 year old step niece. I don't think there was any sexual activities (but not 100%sure that no kissing occurred as I think it did) but he has admitted to sleeping with her in the same double bed in his caravan a few times and spooning all night with his arm around her. There are also a number of archived messages on facebook between them both saying love you, your my favourite person in the world, he said to her I know you are saving yourself for me, I can tell by the way you look at me, you have me for as long as you want me. The text messages went on until last year and he was married throughout all the time this was happening and I met him 2 years ago. I am really struggling to get past this and he is trying so hard to prove he loves me and that he will never do anything like this again, but I cant have him touch me, we sleeping in separate rooms and it is really starting to affect me now. Is it wrong of me to not want him near me or even want to no longer be married to him as him doing this 4 years ago is something I did not even contemplate he was capable of. Or am I being unfair and should I give him a chance?
HI, I am so glad you reached out and that you have met with someone face to face. I would stay with that for sure, but am also glad to support you. In addition to you seeing someone, I would suggest that he sees someone too so that he may understand why he engaged in this relationship and was drawn to it. That needs to be looked at by him and I think it will go a long way to help you get through this...if you know he is receiving help then you can feel comfortable to give it some time to see how it all goes. Since you just found out the shock is frightening. All of your feelings are valid and I think you can rest a bit easier if he is getting help and you as you have begun. I always like to say that you should not rush to end something until the shock has worn off and help is received...reactive decisions don't give anyone the opportunity to heal grow and come back together. If while getting your support, and over time, you feel like you cannot recover from this, then you always have the choice whether to stay in it. So, therapy for him and you would be my suggestion and sitting with your very normal feelings and let it play out for a bit. You are not being unfair...these are your feelings.
I am here if you need more support.
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