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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3778
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I have had bittersweet exp of men since leaving my husband

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I have had bittersweet exp of men since leaving my husband 5 years ago and have walked away from 4 short relationships coz either they are needy or have issues with exes or have lied , also one stalked me and wound up in court with injunction , so now I'm asking I have a neighbour have known to say hi over a decade , the past year we have stopped and talked I had coffee with him 6 weeks ago , having only been 2 weeks out of 4 month relationship with guy that lied . I have told him not ready for more however last weekend after many film nights and hours of chatting we wound up kissing and we are dating now however 3 times over 3 days after him telling me how he felt of me and declaring he had fallen for me loved me ..?! I know this is infatuation and every guy bar one has said this so soon , he actually called me Fiona his exes name ! He's not seen her in 7 yrs she lives 100 miles away hence why after 4 together they couldn't progress and she ended it . She's a barrister , he said difficult , but a very sexual relationship prob due to the distance too and he's said so relaxed n more like him and he's so happy around me and would marry me?! Well to my mind that is unrealistic , we don't know each other that well and also why is he whispering her name after sweet nothing's to me? Am I triggering emotions he's not had since her, he's been single . Or is he still in love with her and I remind him? Or nothing more as he said no clue why and he was mortified about it! I'm almost thinking best to end this before it begins I've been through too much already and this is triggering me in a negative way . I've told him I'm not sleeping with him anytime soon ! My friends think I should not progress n he seems needy , rushed n with ex on mind. I tend to agree. Also he has limited time with work and is tending to txt me after 8 do I fancy popping down for chat , film etc and he's not a planner to make time to go out ! We both have teenage sons so that is not an issue . I fear I'm the girl next door who maybe too convenient to slot into his busy life on his terms . He's very emotionally charged n affectionate which is nice if balanced and I like to go out n do things , otherwise I get stale and bored. I've done 22 yrs with my ex we on good terms, but I don't want another self absorbed man or too needy either ! Advice please on his behaviours thankyou .
Thanks for being so open. sounds like he is a bit all over the place. I think he has feelings for you and they may have been there for a long time which is why they may seem so intense to you. Does he have residual feelings for Fiona? Sure it is possible but that does not mean it diminishes what he feels for you. In terms of how this plays out for you and anything long term? I am not sure I see it for you based on what you have been through and trying to find some stability and calm for yourself. Sounds like the friendship is what you enjoy so maybe it stays in that category and doesn't become a love interest with the idea of being in a serious partnership. You can pull back a bit if that feels comfortable for you so that you can take some time to get a handle on your feelings to see how you want this to go. As an outsider looking in, it does seem like you are interested in consistency and reliability and I am not sure I hear that here.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thankyou , I feel with me that is very apt and I need to space it back he is fast forwarding . Just a question tho why would he call me his exes name 3 times over as many days whilst declaring all to me? I do have a significant lack of trust in men , which is a shame , but I feel now I'm very logical in my approach n think ! I hold emotions back a bit and see if develope naturally over time , without being swept along or off feet , I have learnt alot .
If they were together for a while then the slip could just be routine. Try not to personalize it...may mean nothing. You have been hurt and so keeping your emotions and trust in check is okay...go easy on yourself for that and when the right one comes along you will know it because your red flags wont be waving warnings.