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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3787
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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My name is ***** ***** I'm 24 years old. Now when I write

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Hi, my name is ***** ***** I'm 24 years old. Now when I write this out it will probably sound rather pathetic, but I need to find a way of feeling better, because the breakdown of my relationship is controlling how I feel in every aspect of my life, no matter how hard I try.
2 years ago, a fellow student from my University asked me out and we started dating (this was after we both left Uni), that lasted about 3 months. I live in London and he in Brighton, UK, but we both made time to come and see each other and spend weekends with each other. As time went by we were texting a couple of times a day, spending time with each other every couple of weeks (he's a farmer, so hours and time off was a little difficult). One evening while we were texting he did say that he loved me.
2 days later he had come back from the pub, after being out with some friends at the pub, came home and texted me to say that he had had some bad news so he may seem a little distant. I said 'ok' and gave him space, just texting to say 'hi' each morning, not expecting a response and just showing that I was there if he wanted to talk. A couple of days after this, he called me and broke it off, saying that he couldn't bring himself to do it face-to-face. He said he was sorry for hurting me so far and he still cared but he couldn't deal with what he was going through and be in a relationship. After this our friends stopped talking to me, I asked a close friend of his to keep an eye on him and make sure he was ok for me, that I didn't know the whole reason for our break-up or what he was going through so not to mention it. As far as I know he never told anyone we had broken up directly, and it was only noticed when I stopped attending birthdays etc.
Several months later, a mutual friend of ours invited me to her birthday celebration. She and Charlie are very close friends and share the same birthday. I felt uncomfortable going as I had not spoken or seen him in awhile, he ignored me the whole night and I stupidly let my emotions rule my reaction (getting very drunk and passing out - not my finest hour!).
Since then I have been focusing on work and my friends and family back in London, very rarely going down to Brighton. However, some on my other Uni friends have started to get in contact with me again, and I would like to reconnect with them. But I am still aware that I still have feelings for Charlie and this hope that we could try again. I know this is unrealistic and probably never going to happen, but he was my first boyfriend and love, and I'm not sure how to stop feeling this way or find peace with myself. To be able to move forwards (Charlie being an insomniac, I have developed his sleeping patterns and can't break them. I sleep how we used to lie together. I imagine being in his room before I fall asleep). It's obsessive and I'm concerned!
I am sorry to hear of your pain. I think the reason you are having such difficulty moving forward is because you never got any closure. He told you he had bad news, he then broke it off but with no real reason for the ending so you are left wondering and hoping and that is why you toss and turn and imagine still being with him.
But unfortunately this is the way and you must feel what you feel and mourn this loss and lack of closure.
First loves are extremely difficult to get over, but in time the pain lessens....if you feel like you need better support during this time then seeing someone face to face for therapy could be helpful. I would stay busy and active and try to live your life and each day will get a bit easier even if it is just for a few moments each day....over time, you will feel things ease.
none of what you feel is have love in your heart and that is a beautiful thing.
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