How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask TherapistJen Your Own Question
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3787
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
TherapistJen is online now

I asked you a question back about 6 weeks ago now regarding

This answer was rated:

Hi Jen
I asked you a question back about 6 weeks ago now regarding if I should tell my boyfriend that I was chatting to a guy when we were split up if you can remember?
In the end I decided to tell him but he wanted to know more details and I ended up lying about how I met the guy and going into details of what texts we were sending...I just didn't feel comfortable sharing every detail with him but felt relieved I had told him at least what had happened! I now feel bad for not telling him everything but I don't really want to bring it all up again after a month has passed and him doubting if I tell him the truth on everything! What would you advise me to do?

I do remember you and what you were going through with this. Since you were broken up back then you were free to do as you pleased and so you did. You have been forthright about talking with someone else and if it doesn't feel comfortable to have shared more then that is are allowed to have boundaries around what was your private life when you weren't together. If he continues to ask about it, I would ask him what is upsetting to him about it so you can process those feelings and get through it.

I can understand his desire to know more, but it can be felt as a bit intrusive and you are allowed not to share every were not together and had a private life.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you Jen for getting back to me so quick! Yeah I can understand too as he did ask about what was sent and I lied so he is allowed to question things but I felt pressured into mentioning too much and that wasn't what I wanted to achieve in the beginning I just wanted to be open with him but not with all the gory details! I think it has set me into a panic as he said he thinks we should be open and honest about everything and I just don't want to be about this with him...he hasn't asked again since the original conversation but I just wanted reassurance it's ok to keep some things even if I had to white lie...
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Also I didn't want too tell him where I met the guy all so silly why I didn't but still

I am always for open communication without lies, and I also believe in boundaries and you were open with him about it and leaving out the gory details is your call and felt important for you for it to be that way so trust what you needed around this.

I think you didn't give all the details because you just didn't want to and you are allowed to have that space....

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I agree I'm always opening honest and I've never really been in this position before, I think that's why I'm needing the advice that I didn't do wrong and can move forward...I just feel I done the right thing and if too much was mentioned it would of turned out to be a bad thing!

I don't look at this as right and wrong and more about what you felt you needed around it and you shared what felt most comfortable and if at any point it doesn't feel comfortable you get to decide to offer more. Saying something could make it hard and not saying something can make it hard...or the reverse and that is why I say trust what felt right for you and move forward and enjoy this new time with him.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you I'm just worried if saying more might damage what we have as it all affects trust but for now I'll leave it asi can't come round to bringing it all up again

I think saying more right now could put a little kink in things so trust in what you felt and try and rebuild some good connection between the two of you.

I do have a sense of you and do believe there will be some guilt and I don't want it to consume you. So if being open about it all and letting him know why you were afraid could be beneficial for your personal growth.

There was nothing wrong in how you met and you did not do anything wrong and you did not betray him.

I await any further thoughts.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I do feel some guilt that's why I said something to start with but I don't want him to mistrust me as he did say be honest with me and I still couldn't! I do know he hasn't been 100% honest with me over some things in the past so I feel why be the one worrying over this when he wouldn't...I just feel he might make me feel worse if I tell him everything as some of it is quite embarrassing what me and that guy were sending to each other!

Ok, so you are clear...I think this last statement of yours shows you that you are fine where you are. So move forward and don't look into the open and communicative and build a new and healthy way of relating.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
it's the only positive way of moving forward thank you for helping me I can be very indecisive!

I am always here for you when you need.

TherapistJen and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
You are very good to talk too and very good at what you do

Thank you for the kind words. I love what I do and love to be able to be supportive.