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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5928
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Me and my ex boyfriend meet in December last year through

Customer Question

Me and my ex boyfriend meet in December last year through tinder.
I fell for him immediately and I become his gf in February this year and we broke up in April.I think I love this guy. He broke up with me because he felt I was ten steps ahead. I already felt like I loved him and felt like I could get married to him.
He was also about to graduate from university when we broke up, he needed time to work on his dissertation.He's a Cypriot and I'm a black girl. Despite me being 10 steps ahead. I feel like he doesn't want to be with me because of his family. As in Cyprus it's not common to have interracial relationships. He said we didn't have a future together.We are both international students studying in the uk. We both went home in the summer but we were both in the uk in June when he came back for his graduate.He now has a job in reading. And we met twice in June.We messaged each other throughout the summer with a brief fight when we didn't talk for about a month.When he came back in September I surprised him with gifts and we were together again for two romantic days in reading.He said he doesn't want a relationship with m e but he seems to have some deep feelings for me.
I've had depression and a couple of issues with my studies. When we were together, I had days when I would lash out at him because I was unhappy with my life.
I think us fighting all the time may have drove him away.We had a very nasty fight with lots of insulting words exchanged after our two day romance that was short lived. He blocked my number from his phone. He unfriended me on Facebook I guess when I commented on one of his pictures by calling him cute. Because of his friends and family might find out about me, the black girl I think.He also has this friend that is a girl and a close friend of his. They take pictures together she sends him messages in Greek that I don't understand that always ended in "xx" . The looked like flirty messages. This was also another reason why we broke up. Because I would always ask about her and he always denied anything with her. And would get fed up when I didn't trust him. She's also a Cypriot like himAfter our recent nasty fight he was in my town after he blocked me and all. He messaged me just last week Sunday and said he wanted to make sure I was alright after all that happened.We ended up sleeping together that night and showering together the next morning.
Another issue we had is that I'm a virgin. I never had sex with him all these times we were together.We live in cities one hour apart by train. And we came to a decision that being f**k buddies might work for us.So after staying the night he went back to reading and he was to be in my town the following week again. He suggested we see each other again.
So before the next visit I would send short messages to say hello but he'd never message me first. I kind felt I could ever be a f**k buddy as the relationship wouldn't even involve messaging each other casually. He said if I wanted to be with him that I would see him only on his own terms.When he finally came back to my town last week Friday. I told him not to come visit me and that he was an asshole for trying to make such indecent requests of asking me to become a f**k buddy.He got angry with me again. We are currently in another nasty fight where I have been blocked and I have been asked never to contact him again.I feel really depressed now because this is the man I love I now feel like I made the wrong decision and should have still given up my virginity despite being a Christian girl. I tried to call him after to say I changed my mind. But all he did was insult me and ask me to move on with my like. I'm a complete emotional wreck throughout this week I've been neglecting my responsibilities and I even summit end my uni assignment late and it wasn't even of good quality. I'm going down a dark path. And my depression is back I believe. I'm having trouble sleeping and doing stuff. I need advice about all this
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your problem.

From your description, it sounds like you were doing a lot of the work in your relationship on your own. You mentioned he wanted to break up because you were ahead of him in your feelings about the relationship which says he doesn't want to put your feelings first before his own. You also attempted contact first on a few occasions and you have been the one to set the boundaries for your relationship.

It is another issue that he appears to be unwilling to be honest and open about other possible relationships he has had outside of your relationship. You mentioned that he has a friend who appears to be more intimate than is normal in a friendship. That is not okay if you truly are interested in the person you are with.

In order to have a relationship, both people need to be able to trust each other and to be open to hearing what the other person needs. For example, you said that you want more from the relationship. However, he breaks things off when you try to ask for more. That is a sign that he is not ready for a serious relationship.

He also may not be honest with you about his other relationships. You need trust as a foundation to any relationship to make it work. If he is hiding things from you already, that can be another sign he is not ready for a serious commitment.

There are many reasons people are not able to be in a serious relationship. One can be maturity. Someone can be the right age, but not be mature enough emotionally to handle caring about another person. Two, sometimes people are emotionally damaged from past issues or family problems that can cause them to act out in an unhealthy way in relationships. This can affect a person so they remain distant and unwilling to make a commitment. Three, it could be that his family and culture plays a part in your relationship. However, if that was the case, he could simply tell you that. And if he truly cared, he would do so or try to make it work.

What you can do is decide for yourself if you want to continue to try with this man. Do you feel he can commit to you and if so, what is stopping him now from doing so? If you feel he is not willing to commit, then anything you try with him is not going to work and you will continue to get hurt. You deserve better than that.

You also may want to consider taking a break from any contact. Try it for a few weeks. See what his reaction is to the break. Does he miss you? Contact you in any way- besides just to sleep with you? His reaction to not seeing you for a while will tell you a lot about how he feels about your relationship.

In the meanwhile, make an appointment to talk with a therapist to help you cope with the depression you are experiencing. You need time and someone to talk with to help you sort out what you are feeling and how the relationship problems are contributing to your depression. Some mild medication may help while you talk with the therapist. You need to focus on yourself right now and sort out what you need to feel happy. A relationship can be a consideration after you feel your best and are ready to approach this relationship or a new one.

I hope this has helped you,

Mary Ann

May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi, thanks for the reply. Everything you said is true. I deserve better
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Do you think, he's blocked me again because he was hoping we'd get back together? So maybe I hurt him. And he wants me to pay?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
His exact words were inconsistency is not ideal for him
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I don't know what to make of his feelings for me. I don't know if they're real. Or he was just using me
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He told me just today to never contact and that he didn't care for me. And he keeps saying that I don't know what I want
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
But I do know now and I told him it's him. But he doesn't believe that I have actually made up my mind this time around. He thinks it's all bullshit
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 1 year ago.

While it's hard to say what he is thinking without being able to talk to him directly, it sounds like he either is not interested or he blames you for all the issues in the relationship. Either way it seems he is not doing anything to indicate he wants a relationship. Blocking you and getting mad are not good signs. It maybe a good idea to consider ending contact, at least for a while.

It is late where I am so I need to sign off. I hope my answers so far have been helpful.

Mary Ann