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Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1533
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota
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I have known my 'friend' for a year now ,we started off in a

Customer Question

I have known my 'friend' for a year now ,we started off in a relationship where he would hold my hand and we spent every weekend together .He had just come out of a 3 year relationship 6 months previously and was very hurt .One evening he was a bit off with me ,after a few drinks ,so i suggested we were just friends .we have been in two holidays and continue to see each other when ever work permits ( we live an hour apart) we say good morning and good night every day and talk through the day .Ive come to adore him and I know he feels a lot for me .Two weeks ago a asked him if we were in a relationship or just friends .He said why do we have to label anything and just enjoy how we are ,he said whenever things are labelled as a 'relationship ' the s..t hits the fan and all the people he knows have failed long term 'relationships' . He said he really likes me and if I need to look for a partner he understands but he would be sad cos we would have less time together .He then said he was switching his phone off for the day ( which he never does) because he was really sad and didn't want to talk to anyone .I was planning to move nearer to him which he wanted cos he said we could see more if eachother so after what he said I told him I was glad he was honest cos I didn't want to up sticks and end up on my own .This really upset him .We are planning a holiday to the maldives next year .We share a bed and he 'spoons ' me but there is no sex involved .Im 58 and he is 50.Please help
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 1 year ago.

Hello there. IT sounds like you are in a relationship with a guy that is not ready to commit to you. What can I help you with?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I don't know whether to carry on as we are and hope he will commit later on.He says every relationship he has had ( and all the people he knows ) have failed whereas he views friendship as much more important and he will have them until the day he dies .He has even asked me to move abroad in a couple of years to run a business together .He always says good morning / night every day and checks up on me throughout the day .He says why 'label' what we've got and just go with the flow .He was extremely upset when I asked him about our 'relationship ' status and when I suggested finding a partner he didn't want to speak to anyone and turned his phone off which is out of character for him .He is a very honest person so I believe what he says .We don't have sex or kiss but we share a bed every time we are together where he ''spoons ' me .I am so confused ,please help .Paula
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He is also spending Xmas with me for the second time .We started off in a relationship ,he would hold my hand all the time but sex only happened 3or 4 times when we had been drinking .We both come from abusive backgrounds which has left me unable to show affection and him desperately needing it .I know he thinks the world of me and vice versa .
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 1 year ago.

I can't help but think that he wants to keep you around as a second option. You see, he doesn't want to commit to you only but yet he doesn't want you to seek someone else. To me, that is manipulative and selfish. Can you respect his wishes and just be friends? If not, then it is time to move on to someone else. What do you think?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
We are just so compatible in every way ,he has said he would understand if I looked for someone else but it would also make him very sad .I feel he was very hurt at the end of his last breakup and is hesitant to go through it again and that 'friendship ' lasts forever ,I took this to mean that if we were in a 'relationship '(he said why put a label on what we are) it would end a lot sooner than a friendship .I don't want to waste my life waiting as I want someone to grow old with etc .
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 1 year ago.

It sounds like you want certainty and that he is comfortable living in uncertainty. So you are compatible but when it comes to long term commitment then the two of you are on different wavelengths. If your goal is to grow old with someone, then he is not willing to give you that commitment yet.