How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask Dr.G. Your Own Question
Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1533
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dr.G. is online now

In a nutshell, a year and half ago I had a short fling and

Customer Question

In a nutshell, a year and half ago I had a short fling and didn't twll my husband. He found out from messages he found Nov 15. We decided to stay togwthwr and I am so happy for that. He wanted to forgive me. Obvs at first is was horrendous. The guy was ten years younger, good looking. He wanted EVERY detial. And we went for honesty.
First few months horrendous but things became really happy and we really do love each other and he does forgive me. However he feels unfairly that I went away for 3 days with this guy- partying, crazy time, sex. To me I look back disgusted, regret and don't see it as a good happened Because I was. About messed up- long story.
Ok so now - he wants a 'free pass'. Not an affair but a weekend away with a woman. He feels I've de masculatws him and wants to show he can still pull (at 45) avenue tho he lppls younger and is gorgeous. I'm 37 and look really young.
He wants to do a pass with me. 23 have had rheeespmes on past so I was up for this - however we've always used high quality escorts obvs so no feelings. But because he knows the guy I saw likwd me, he wants to do it with someone who likens him. Me being involved is still a possibility but I'm Toying with just letting him go do it alone. I'm
Open minded, never been jealous with the escort stuff but there is a chance I guess it cold go horribly wrong of o got jealous cos the woman acted diff to how the escorts do - which is quite clinic-al.
Husband has always wanted me there. He gets off on me being part of it so he may refuse my offer but I want it dealt with. Because after monrjs of happiness he is now bringing up my fling daily and I'm finding it hard to be reminded of this awful tome. He's soon it cos he wants to get even and feel the man again.
I really don't think I'll be jealous as long as it's just sex. I never have been with escort stuff. I couldn't condone an affair. But My thing was just sex....but the guy liked me. So he wants equality.
Sorry I've realised how complex this is and perhaps the sexual element isn't something you advise on. It I. And sleep worrrinf and I just want it 'solved'
Any thoughts much appreciated.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Able to confirm if it will be today as I won't stay up if not!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I have been waiting 25 mins can I presume I will not be contacted tonight?
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 1 year ago.

HI there, sorry for the delay. I hear your concerns and have some thoughts about it. First, you messed up big time, the damage is done, but it can be repaired. Second, your husband has not forgiven you. He holds it over your head and he wants retribution. This is not forgiveness and it is not helping the both of you to repair the relationship. Third, involving other people into your sacred marriage in a sexual manner will not solve the problem. It will cause you problems like it has continued to cause him problems. Fourth, honesty is key throughout all of this. Finally, I think the two of you talking to a mutual third party and hashing out some of these feelings would be most beneficial. There can be no moving on and healing until this matter gets resolved. I hope this helps.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I know his main feelings now are
1-revenge- on the guy I saw. Which he can't for various reasons. He hates this.2-retribution
He feels like what I did emasculated him. He now has a major worry about penis size (when no need) and although looks great for 45 - is considering various surgery like hair implants and penis enlargement.He wants to beat the guy I saw even tho I had no feelings. He's seen a photo and is upset he's attractive.We do enjoy threesomes (Ffm) And he really believes if we go together (he doesnt want a free pass alone)with someone who isnt paid i.e. Escort - someone who genuily likes him and me and he spends sane crazy time, party, feeling the big MSn I guess....Then hen be overt what I did.Obvs we are perhaps a bit uncomventiol and sexually open.mindedHe Is adamant if we do this it'll draw a line under it for him and he will stop mentions he stop memtionkmg what I did- which jaw Become daily. prior to this idea it was getting less and less memtiomed.I don't know what to do. I'm bi and confident and won't get jealous the girl being considered isn't a friend and won't fall in love with either of us.I just don't knkw if I believe he'll ever stop bringing up what I did even if we do this. Also what if we do it and it's not that good - things will worse.He won't do counselling. Complex reasons but he won't.I think just do it and see if it help him and helps recovery!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Dr G if you are online and avail asap id really appriciate it as I can't sleep...again :(
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 1 year ago.

I like how you say that the two of you are sexually open minded, yet once you brought a third party in then these problems arose. My thoughts are that if you do it, he will feel like he got his way and since he got his way then there will be room to get his way again in the future. Either the two of you are committed to each other or not. Bringing in other people to have sex with only causes more problems, as we have seen already.