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llw26, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 289
Experience:  LCPC - 2015. Counseling skills.
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My ex gf decided to end our relationship 2 months ago after

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My ex gf decided to end our relationship 2 months ago after months of arguing about silly, old matters. We have a 8 month old baby so I moved out and collected my things after she asked for time/space as being near me was too much for her.
I just feel completely lost as I have known her for 2 1/2 yrs and when she was at her lowest point in her life. I treated her very well, maybe overly done the jesters. I did mention this to her but she always says it doesn't matter about what I did. She doesn't owe me anything. Fair enough but I find I was giving everything, she was never giving anything back.
That even goes for our sex life. I initiated everytime and was a 'pleaser' as she said she didn't enjoy giving any pleasure back.
She also cheated, flirted and told me every detail of her past and sexual past, in a very belittling way.
I want to try again with her but she isn't showing any signs of interest.
Help please !

Hi my name is ***** ***** I hope I can help - please give me a moment to read what you've written.

Hi Lee, thank you for the information. Unfortunately, it does not sound like she is interested in a relationship with you at this time - it also does not sound like she respected you or your relationship with her. Given her behaviors in your relationship - it does not sound like she wanted a committed relationship with you - even though it sounds like you went above and beyond in the relationship. Is this someone you truly want to be with, if they're not willing to engage in a healthy, reciprocal relationship with you?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Lindsey
Thanks for your reply.
I believe she has more issues than she is letting on too. Her dad wasn't around when she was younger, she (apparently) has only had bad boyfriends/relationships and she has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
I felt I was doing everything I could for her, spoke to her, listened more than questioned, took her to the doctors but her attitude/behaviour never changed.
When she is drunk, it's 100 times worse than I have ever experienced. She gets very abusive and nasty, replaying all her previous relationships and sexual encounters.
I researched about her behaviour and it seemed to lead to narcissist personality disorder. Out of frustration and feeling rejected, I mentioned this to her and it made matters worse (no surprise!).
After all she threw at me, she brands me insecure, needy, nasty and too inexperienced sexually to make it work.
It's like she has twisted this all on me.
I read that I should go no contact but that's harder as I have a child with her.
I try and not talk to her other than talk about my boy. But even then she still asks me to clean up, put the rubbish out or do jobs for her. Yet she doesn't want anything to do with me ?!
I want to make our little family work but I am worried about being lonely and left behind (she always moves on very fast, she doesn't hide the fact that she would go out one evening and spend the night with someone ... )
Is there any hope or ways I can approach/try with this girl ?

It does sound like she has a lot going on interpersonally. If she's not willing to begin to process these various aspects of her life, then she likely won't be able to engage in a healthy relationship with anyone. It sounds like she's currently coping with her interpersonal deficits by consuming alcohol - which doesn't help the situation in anyway. It sounds like she almost takes you and what you do for her for granted. From what you've described above - it sounds best to have a relationship with her that exists only regarding your son. So what I would do if I were you is to maintain strict boundaries - only picking up your son and dropping him off from designated areas - that are not both your homes. This way you won't feel obligated to engage in any other behaviors outside of picking up your son. While having a child in the mix does make things slightly more challenging and I totally hear you when you say you want to make things work; however, it does not sound like she wants to - and in order for a relationship to work both parties have to work at their relationship.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks for the reply again :)
I believe I need to let go of this, it's been 2 long, tiresome years and I have lost a lot of money and who I am with this girl/relationship.
I feel I am starting from scratch again, having to move back to my parents at the age of 35 whilst my ex has the house I paid for, all it's contents and my little boy.
Financially, it will take time for me to get it sorted yet she is out most days or goes to parties. I just find it all so unfair.
I am a very nice guy, average looking, good with money, generous, a romantic but she never sees or appreciates anything.
Her response is always " because you are a nice guy, doesn't mean I will beg you or be eternally grateful " ... it's comments like this for example that lead me to questioning or asking too many why's ...
We spilt at the beginning of October and she still contacts me pretty much everyday but if I ask a question or ask what is happening between us, she goes back a few weeks and nasty/short messages follow.
Then she will STILL ask for things or help.
The worst thing is I work in the same office as her, she is 15-20 foot away, everyday.
One minute I am so done with her, realise I deserve better etc but when I see how see has just moved on, no interest in my life what so ever, it makes me try to win her back ...
Finding letting go tough, worried that I won't find someone when she maybe already has.
I do overthink and react but only want the best for her/us and I do as much as I can.
Don't have anymore to give to this girl ��

You're welcome! I would agree, in that, I think it's time to begin to move forward with your life. Have you looked into speaking with an attorney re: your home, the contents within, and your son? You may have an excellent case. It does suck that you had to move back in with your parents, I would think anyone would feel this way - however, it doesn't mean it's the end of the road for you! It also makes it challenging that you work together - however, again, I would work at maintaining appropriate boundaries with her and only speaking to her when necessary for work or your son. I don't think this is a situation you've overreacted in or overthought - you want whats best for you and your son - it makes sense; however, it does not sound like she is reciprocal. She may move forward first and that's okay - it may take some time for you to heal - that's okay too - it doesn't make you any less of a man or a person. The right woman is out there who will love your kindness and kind gestures.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you so much for your help/comments :)
I am feeling like I can let go more and more.
She did just text me saying she is in a much happier place, that the relationship was making her sad.
It hurts to hear that, it does. But maybe this is the best thing to happen.

It is sad given what yall had - however, each day will get a little easier. And we all want happiness for those we loved or love - even though it hurts to not have that love reciprocated. Was there anything else I can help you with?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
That's great help, thank you very much for your help!
All the best x

Not a problem! Best of luck to you!

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