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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3889
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I'm looking for some advice from someone that can point me

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Hi there!
I'm looking for some advice from someone that can point me in the right direction please?
I've been with my current girlfriend almost six years and within that time we've had our ups and downs but on a whole it's been an amazing relationship. we both think that! And we're planning (or we were) planning on moving in together for the next chapter of our relationship. Although there has been mistake on both sides, I know it's what I want. Basically, She had felt we had lost some 'spark' over the last few months and then we went on holiday together (for the first time) and the spark was amazing and I loved every second of that week away. We came back to the norm.. work ect. And it some what went down hill... long story short, she has been down recently and seems different to how she has always been.. She is a beautician (nail artist) and she's very busy with it been coming up to xmas and all that. I feel she had been getting stressed but I don't know for sure. Anyway, she recently said she didn't know if she loved me, which obviously crushed me but we carried on. A month or so later she made a 'big' mistake and went to a male friends house and one thing lead to another but she stopped it before it went shall we say, 'all the way'?
She came to my house the next day and burst into tears and told me what happened and I fell apart from it and she asked if 'we can fix this' and I said no at the time and then she burst into tears again.. left it a day or so and we started to somewhat work past it, or attempt it. We both said we can't imagine been with anyone else and to be honest apart from a mistake on my part of flirting with someone else early on in the relationship things have been so amazing and so much love has been felt on both sides.
Back on point, things have gone down hill again (in a space of 2 weeks since this happened) She has mentioned the love thing and that we have drifted apart and that the spark has gone, that's she's felt like this for a month or two, but just kept burying it. From my understanding this can be a common problem for a long term relationship. So we've had about 4 days off and then we had a big talk today. Back and forth of good and bad and covering a lot of ground but in the end she said that she needed a break and space to be alone and figure what she wants.
I tried to make her remember the good times and that we've been so good together and how at one point I felt the spark had gone but in time it just came back and that was a year or so ago.
So I felt left in the dark a little bit on where we are (I fully understand she wants space) but I don't know where I stand with it all and what I need to do.. I want to be with her so much and a week ago we were on the same page of that and now she's brought up the love word, the spark word and that she wants some space.
Can somebody please give me some advice on what I need to do to get us back on track?
Today since we've gone on a break I've wrongly smothered her with texts of how I feel and I know that isn't helping but I let my emotions run wild unfortunately.
What can I do?
How long do I leave her alone with her own space?
What can I do to get that spark back or I suppose try to on her half?
Can I save this relationship? I've come to terms with all that happened and I just want to move past it and be us like I feel we should be!
Looking at it from my side I feel like because we've buried that feeling she had and then the 'big' mistake happened she can't see past all of the bad things to see the good but I have reminded her of all that and she said she knows it all and remembers and we both agreed if we'd addressed the feeling before all this happened we'd still be together and happy.. Am I right in thinking she's really finding it hard to get past or come to terms with what she has done? Thanks a lot in advance.
Apologies if this seems jumbled up, I'm a little all over the place right now. X

Thanks for being so open about it all. It sounds like her feelings did change somewhere along the road and yes it may be normal for couples to settle into routines and sparks dim, it is a different story if she feels that she doesn't have that kind of love for you anymore. Her "mistake" isn't really the issue...it is her changing feelings and so yes she does need to be on her own to figure out what she feels, what she wants and what she needs. I understand the urge to smother with texts to remind her of all the good, but she knows that and the less space you give her the more her desire will be to cut it all off completely. So as best you can pull way back and don't reach out...that is not to play a game, but rather to honor her wishes and needs. How long do you wait? Can't really put a time frame on that but let her be your guide. She knows how to reach you and will if she desires. The space and time will give her the opportunity to explore her feelings and get things right for herself. In the absence she might miss you and what you had and desire to work on it all. If her feelings are totally gone then yes she may realize that it is not workable for her. I know you feel if you just did something, you can get her back on track, but that something is giving her the space. Focus on you now as well and breathe through the tough moments. Let's hope with some time that clarity will come and she will desire to be back with you and create a deeper and more open connection.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for the response!She said she 'doesn't know' If she does or not, but I felt that maybe the routine and the spark dimming and stress may have lead to her to think on it over and over and I guess have doubt on her feelings. As she is very good at pushing things aside and letting it gradually get worse..But I understand and respect that she needs that distance to figure herself out and I want to give her that and I truly want to honour it. I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with as we have been at this point before but it was me that was feeling it but that 'break' didn't last long and always pictured us together.
Should it be a full no contact situation, as with it been New Years tomorrow I would have at least liked to text/ring at midnight to say happy new year.. should I just leave her to herself on all accounts?Thanks again for the advice, Jen.

Ordinarily I would say leave all contact aside but with the New Year, I also don't want her to feel as if you are not thinking of her...So I would simply text her and say, I know you want your space, but it wouldn't feel right not to wish you a wonderful New Year. I am okay with that but then you must leave it all be.

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you again for the reply, and thanks for clearing that up for me! I will send a simple text saying that and leave it from there..Hopefully time will tell. Thank you for the advice!