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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3821
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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My husband of 3 months has left me and my 1 year old son. We

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My husband of 3 months has left me and my 1 year old son. We had 1 bad year of arguments out of the 4.5 together. He says he doesn't love me anymore but contiues to contact me over things that have nothing to do with contact with our son

I am so sorry to hear seems as if he is either wanting to come back to you and doesn't know how to discuss his feelings or he is still trying to control you even while you are not together. Are you able to limit your contact with him?

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
I've tried to limit my contact with him. Yesterday he wanted a key for the car he's now selling so I left it outside then I get a text and phone calls while I'm in the bath. I looked outside and seen him circling round the house and he text saying I was with someone that why i won't answer the door. He then tells me he doesn't care what I do and to get with someone so am off his back. When in actual fact I'm not. He came in for a min to tell me the car is sold and the money will be in bank in a week
So I said ok and he wasn't happy with my short answer he was looking at me like he wanted to argue to stay a little longer or something I can't read him at the min as he's saying he's fallen out of love with me but he just seems to always be contacting me. In the first 2 weeks I did beg and plead and decided get your act together and I stopped and now because I'm not doing that he seems to be looking for excuses to contact me. Most of the time it's not even to ask how our 1 year old son is. Our son is showing signs that it's affecting him and he's told me he's going to work a2ay in 3 weeks. In the meantime he wants to have our son over night 3 times per week then all of a sudden vanish. I don't think it's fair. He can still see him but he needs stability in his life.

It sounds like he is having a hard time with his decision and still wants to be in a bit of control about your comings and goings. Stability is great for your son but also having time with his Dad is also good for him. Try as best you can to keep contact with him only about your son and you can let him know that is how it needs to be if he no longer desires to be with you. If you still want to be with him then let him know that once again....not with begging and pleading but in a matter of fact way so that he is clear what you want and if his answer is no, then you can let him know the only contact should be about his son.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
How can I tell him though? He just won't listen to me. I've got my act together and feel I'm dealing with it all so much better now. He seems to be dwindling. He still firmly believe that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that he can't wait for a divorce. Even though 3 months ago we got married. He's very stubborn and it seems the last fight we had ended us completely. He said really hurtful things and I said them back but I've apologised. He hasnt. I've written a letter to give him in a couple of weeks saying I accept the breakup and take responsibility for my part and my erratic behaviour at the beginning of the breakup but I was in emotional distress and I'm sorry I then go on to say that i hope that this doesn't define our relationship and that we did have good times and I mention a few good happy memories then I say that I know we had a bad year with a baby a wedding and financial pressure got the better of us but it can only get better now which ever way it goes. I express some but not all of my feelings and don't say I love him or anything just that I'm glad we got to have our time together and hope to catch up soon but for now we both need space. I just don't know when to give him it or if it's even a good idea to give it.

I think the letter is great and it seems by all that you say, that giving it to him would be a good idea. It might relieve a lot of stress for you and maybe even give some closure for both of you. Then you can say to him each time he contacts you that you prefer the contact to be only about your son.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
But I don't want us to be over. I want us to sort things out and get back on track

I absolutely understand your desire to get him back. I would then let him reach out to you become and steady because it is quite possible he is missing you and that is why he's reaching out so frequently.

You may just need to come back in his own way and his own time. His continuous contact indicate that he may want to still be with you and is working out just some conflicting feelings in his mind. So let him be let him contact you and Be steady.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
what do I do now then. I've stopped contact except for our son. That's all I will speak to him about yet he still finds reasons to ask me about something else. I feel like I'm in a losing battle and in the end I'm going to strike when it's too late and he's moved on. I would like us to start to talk to eachother and get things out without an argument starting. He won't listen he just starts shouting and saying it's over it's over I don't want to be with you. I feel he is trying to get me to hate him when in fact I don't. I don't miss the constant arguments I miss the old us and I have faith we could get it back if we both worked together and sat down and spoke properly. It all started when I had our son I got post natal and sought help then he was working almost 24/7 so I felt alone and wanted him there with us. I went back to work part time and we ended up smothering eachother and not giving eachother independent time. We had nothing other to talk about except work baby and what to eat for tea. It became ground hog day. And then we got married and it felt so tense between us. I know now that the baby is growing and becoming more mobile and the wedding is done we could get time back to do things we like. But he just doesn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. He's still thinking of the whole lot of negative things that got in our way.
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
He's just dropped the baby off to me now and said we need to talk about contact with the baby so I said ok and carried on sorting the baby out for bed. He's now just text me to say that if I want the car the weekend I can use it to take the baby out. He could have said it while he was dropping the baby off. I just can't understand him I feel he's like a stranger to me now and I don't know what his motives are.

Right now you both have different desires and needs. He wants one thing and you want another. There is no way to force him to be where you are. So again just let things play out the study and become and let it all play out.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Did you see my last message

Yes. I have read all of them.

It's more of the same stuff. I'm reaching out him texting and you wanting more. I have read all of them and again it is all the same behaviors. The best you can do is to remain calm and study and let him go through this and see what comes out as you move along.

Let me know how else I can support you. Be strong be calm and be patient. One way or another it will reveal itself as to whether he will come back to you or whether he won't. I know how hard it is to sit in that space of Unknowing but it is your only choice. If he feels pushed he could go further away from you

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
I just don't feel I've got any sort of answer from you as to what I should do next other to to ride the storm. Is there a way I should be acting or anything. Do you have any advice on how to try and talk to him. Or even get him to talk in a public place to guarantee no shouting etc

I have given several suggestions to you. The first was to let him know what you want so that he is clear, not to beg not to plead but just to let him know what your boundaries are. Then I suggested that you only have contact with him regarding your son. I also suggest that you remain steady and calm and let him decide whether he can or can't come back. Those are very actionable steps although it may not feel that way for you because of how much pain you are in. they are actionable steps for you during this very difficult time. There is nothing you can say to him that would cause him to come back now and if you do say too much it could push him away. I have given you all those suggestions. But I do understand that it is difficult to take all of that in as suggestions because you want that answer that will just make him come back. Again I understand you are in pain.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
I understand. I'll just ride the storm and see what he wants in the end. I suppose I just need to give him time to miss us without conflict and for him to feel empty. That's if he does feel that way. He's just being do negative about things. We had such good things for us until I had baby and the wedding came along. He can't see past that and seems to think the whole relationship was based on that year. I've told him couples go thru tough times it's not all plain sailing and that it's whether you choose to get over them and become stronger or you give up. He says he's given up on us and that he doesn't want me anymore. The slightest thing that isn't going his way he calls to tell me that that's the reason he will never get back with me or this is the reason we are over and there's no chance of us being together. It's like he's trying to convince himself that I'm the problem within the relationship. In fact those are his words to me when I used to ask what was on his mind and what was the problem he would say your the problem. He would come home from work and if ask what he wanted for tea and he would hit the roof saying why do I always have to decide etc he became selfish going footy with his mates and leaving me to decorate the house alone then go crazy because the internet was switched off while I was painting. 1 week before the wedding he said I want to be a single part time dad. It was hurtful to say but then he said sorry he just wanted a reaction from me.

It has been so tough for you and I truly feel for you. Yes as best you can ride out the storm. Don't push him to meet in a public place or talk because he isn't ready and I worry for you that that will push him away. He needs all of the control right now and if you're able to give that to him then try that. You are correct he needs to miss you he needs to feel like he has lost his family may be in order to come back. I know it is not easy but right now it is the only course of action.

Please be strong and know that I am out here rooting for you your baby and getting your family back. Please take a moment to click the rating faces to rate my support. I know there was no magical answer but your rating reflects my support. You are not charged again for offering the rating rating it allows me to receive credit for my support. Thanks for understanding.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Ok I will ride the storm and see what happens for us. He wants to talk about contact with the baby. How do I speak to him I don't want to be in the house incase he starts shouting and if it's by text message it can be misinterpreted

Ask to meet somewhere neutral and if he refuses and you meet him at your place and he starts raising his voice just sit quietly until he calms down. Dont react to the anger, remain calm and steady.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Ok. I just hope he comes to his senses. He's leaving me with a mortgage bills a 1 year old and a failed marriage it's awful. He just won't allow me to have space and time to think.

I hope so too.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Do I let him have the baby 3 nights per week for the next 3 weeks until he goes working away or ask if he would mind just doing 1 night so the baby isn't too unsettled. Nursery have noticed a significant difference in his mood. He's crying lashing out angry and not sitting eating he wants to sit in a corner on his own playing. He's like that with me now too. I take him the park and he sees man and shouts dada to him. His father figure has left him and it's heart breaking to deal with.

If you are comfortable with that and you believe that he can do a great job then sure I think it is good for all those involved for him to have that contact and also for your child.

TherapistJen and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

Be well and be strong. Thank you for the positive rating.