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JohnMichaels,MS,LPC, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 914
Experience:  25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
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I am a now a 40 year old woman. I work for myself as a

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I am a now a 40 year old woman. I work for myself as a Graphic Designer. I have a mortgage on half of an apartment, the government own the over half. I am not allowed to rent it out. I had the mortgage in place when I met my partner, a divorced father of 3 boys who rents a 1 bedroom apartment (ages now 11/12&16 who live with their mother his ex wife in their ex house). I moved into my apartment 6 months into the relationship. Since the start of our relationship, he has been desperate to move in with me, but since it was a new relationship and quite volatile, I said it was a bit soon. His 3 boys start staying over his apartment every other weekend. I do not think it is appropriate for his children tone sleeping on sofa beds in his living room. Also, my flat is not big enough to accommodate his 3 boys sleeping on my sofa bed in my small living room. Now 4 years on, and our relationship still volatile because of his still abusive, bullying behaviour, behaviour and actions which he blames me for, for not taking this relationship forward by living together/me going out with friends etc/being too close to gay male friend). So, he wants to live together, he wants me to spend more time with his children, and stop seeing my gay friend, as when I do see my gay friend, which is not very often, we miss our trains and stay out drinking and having fun and getting taxis home. To be honest, that happens when I see any of my friends, because I don't get to see them much, because I am always with my partner, my friends and family hate my partner because of how he has treated me.
So he says living together is a very important thing for him, gives me timelines and ultimatums to adhere to or we are finished. What is very important to me is I cannot be in a relationship with someone who is mentally, physically, emotionally and psychological abuse, let alone live with someone like that. I have told him I will not stand for his behaviour anymore. He has said he will not do it again, but still insists we need to live together. So, I have a mortgage, he rents, aside from me moving into his 1 bed apartment (which because of his children sleeping on sofa beds, I don't think is appropriate) which I do not want to do. How are we to live together. Am I right to think, he needs a bigger place, with 1 bedroom for himself and 1 bedroom for his children? He has said if he is to move into a 2 bedroom flat then I will need to pay the extra cost if I am to move into that 2 bedroom flat with him. And if I am to live with him, he doesn't want me seeing my gay friend as much, or staying out late with any of my friends. Initially, even after 6 months of me living in my apartment, he wanted me to sell my apartment so we could live together, rent together. I said I would not be selling my apartment. Am I right to think he needs a bigger place rented or a mortgage by himself and he should pay for it? He earns more than me, yet I could afford it with the governments help.

Welcome to JustAnswer! I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. I am reviewing your question and will reply in a moment.

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Customer: replied 4 months ago.
Once, my gay friends mother invited me and her son to xmas dinner, she lives very far away, so we had to stay in a hotel overnight. His mother booked us a family, so me and my gay friends stayed there, separate beds. My partner did not like it. Has constantly used it as ammunition when he is screaming profanities at me to get his own way. I have told him, my gay friend, is my friend, and I will not give him up. He has now said I am not allowed to stay over at my gay friends house, and because I said I will still see him, he is now saying he is finishing with me because he can't accept my sick perverse relationship. He can't have his girl saying to him, right I'm off to my gay friends mothers and a hotel room for the weekend... and that he is coming to get his stuff...... Hi John (its me again from last night)
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
I am not sure why your call can't get through? I answer your call and then it cuts off?
It’s because of the international thing I think. I am going to propose a call to you where you can call me. Should work.
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
Will that cost me extra money (calling abroad)?
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
Do you have FaceTime on your laptop?

Nah, this is frustrating. I will answer on here or you can wait for someone else which is unlikely. We could probabl do it on here.

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
would it have something to do with the wifi? I have now turned the wifi off on my phone, it has a 4G signal, maybe try one more time? I'm sorry...
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
has this happened to you before?

yes, they have not got the international thing down yet

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
if not we can do it on here, maybe i can get a refund for the phone call... Ill have to check the website etc.
Well, that is false advertising and am not amused by that, seen as the website says "100% guarantee!" I will be emailing Justanswer to let them know and to get it sorted because people like me need to speak with people like you!
Pleas proceed with your answer, and sorry if it means you have to type quite a lot...
for your call. Make sure they keep the initial fee though if you can. I am working on an answer.

Honestly, it could be me. I'm not too technically apt/

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
Of course, the £38 will still be paid and I will not be enquiring about that as that works perfectly well.So what am I to do about:
A) getting over what he has done to me to stay with him (because I love him and believe he does love me)
B) living situation
C) about his archaic thinking on my gay friend

Well, you don't want to hear my opinion, I think you ought to call his bluff on the ultimatum. He is being a bully and is going to continue doing that as long as you allow it.

(will continue in a moment...)

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
Also, I don't have children, and don't want children. He is constantly telling me that I need to spend more time with him and his kids, and wants me to go on vacations with them also. And because I made comments in retaliation to his pressures and demands like; "thats not a holiday for me" "holidays revolve around the children" and "I work extremely hard all year and a holiday is for relaxing, not for being a children's entertainer", he has said that is why he speaks to me and disrespects me like dirt, verbally, and emotionally abusing me for hours, he said that is not what he is normally like, that sort of horrible person is not who he is, and that me not doing what he needs (live with him, see his kids more, not stay out at the weekend with my gay friend even if its at his mothers for xmas) is the reason he acts this way with me.
I am sorry, but I dont think you are comparable in a serious relationship. I am going to give it a shot though.
1. Tell him you will not discuss it as long as he uses that tone.2. You are not moving nor are you allowing g them to move in with you.
3.As a compromise, you might take other holiday with the children.4. As additional compromise, you might co spider not sharing a room with your gay friend. I actually understand his objection here.Relationships are about compromise. I would not allow him to bully me though!Does that make sense?
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
I did call his bluff on the ultimatum, I said I wouldn't be moving anywhere until I was happy with him and until I wanted to.
I'm not sure if this went in, as he continued to try and justify his abuse (see my last message just sent), my spoken words to him last night on the phone were, "this is not about going swimming with your children" it is about your behaviour and whether you are going to stop behaving like it" and hung up.He has since called me this evening and asked when we will be seeing each other next?! And now, whats going on with "us" because he don't think he can do this "not speaking anymore". I have said, this needs to be sorted, he wanted to know what our next step was... me telling him, he needs to: ***** ***** me what to do; who I am allowed to see and when i am allowed to see them: stop telling me I need to spend more time with his children, if I want to come along to whatever it is they are doing, it should be my choice, and that also when we are living together, I will see them overtime they turn up, come back from swimming/go-karting etc. so won't need to participate if I don't fancy doing that particular activity. I also told him that he needs to get a bigger flat (rent or mortgage) and I would move into that with him.It is only since I spoke these words tonight, that he is now saying he is finishing with me because I said I if my gay friends mother invited me up for xmas, I would stay in a different hotel room.
I would not discuss it with as long as he being a jerk.
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
He is finishing with me, saying we are just too different. Do I agree to still see my gay friend, but to not stay anywhere him, even if it is in a different hotel room?
I apologize for the sloppiness of my response. I am on the road going through a splotchy reception area.
I certainly don’t see anything wrong with staying ib separate rooms.
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
he has said " call it selfless, call it homophobic I don't care... my girl aint staying in a hotel room, or his flat, or her flat. end of. And the fact that I thought it was normal/nothing of it staying in the same room as my gay friend is wrong for him
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
I can't believe he thinks that staying in the same room as my gay friend is a reason to finish, over how he has treated me? Sorry, over how I have let him treat me?! Am I wrong to think its ok to have my gay friend stay at my flat? Or stay over at my gay friends flat?
Well, it is irrelevant how I or you partner feel about it. He is your friend and you are ok with it. He takes you he accepts who you are. I got a feeling he isn’t very accepting to your gay friend altogether. His attitude is what bothers me. There is no way he should talk to you that way.
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
I have stated to him, that I will not stay anywhere with my gay friend. When he stops making me hurt by being like this all the time with everything, and I am happy in our relationship that I will want to move in with him, and that I will come on holiday with his kids. His response was, "well you thought it was ok to stay over with your gay friend, and now you say you won't" "the fact that you thought it was ok is wrong for me" and why say now that i won't stay anywhere with my gay friend and that I am doing it against my will..... I've said its called compromise.
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
What bothers you about his attitude? Towards Women? Towards Gay?
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
He wants me to tell him EXACTLY how mine and my gay friends relationship is going to be. He wants me to say "I won't stay at my gay friends house or vice versa, which I have, (admittedly previously, and still now I think there is nothing wrong with that, although obvs I won't plan to do that) I won't stay out till 2am drinking all night when I do see him, now I don't plan this, it just happens, time runs away with itself and I am probably having to much fun (good clean) to notice the time, which has happened I will go on holiday with his kids, which I have (he is not demanding on this subject anymore). Why should I have to say what it is that I'm not going to do?
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
He says he wants to be in a normal relationship where we live together and go on holiday with his kids. He can't include anything from my side of our life together, because people I work with know what he has done and don't like him, my family hate him with a vengeance and hate the fact that I am with him, those bridges will never be re-built, so I can never include him in anything my family does, my friends all know, and they know more details, and 'everything' that has happened to me, they are good friends to me (my gay friend being one of them) but of course they want nothing to do with him either. My partner is always calling them vile names to me and putting them down just like he puts me down. Maybe thats why he expects me to detach myself from my own friends and family, because they can't be in his life (ironically because of him)
Please listen to me. You are conceding on too many fronts. This will not work. You sound very independent minded. You will never be happy giving up so much. What is he giving on? Nothing that I see. This is like time bomb that is destined to blow. You can’t give simply because you don’t want him to go off on you or leave you. You need to both compromise, but the surrender of either of you is not healthy.
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
I'm afraid that is because there are too many fronts..
Well, I don’t advise people to break up often, but you need to let this fellow go. I have never met you, him, or your friends, but I agree with your friends and family. Let him go!
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
He says:
he doesn't think he can make me feel great after everything he has done.we poison each other.he think I was sent to him to punish him for all of his wrong doings in a past life.he finally found someone he wants soon much but can't have her.he is truly starting to believe it won't happen.
he is coming over in the morning to pick up his stuff, he is heading back to his hometown for the weekend (something he threatened me with, every time we broke up, that he had a woman interested in him there that did want to settle down) which is strange because is he going to take 3 shopping bags of clothes with him?! (he packed them last time he was here when he threatened to leave, but then didn't)
If I was you, I would pack his bags for him and meet him at the door.
I am fixing to totally lose my signal. I seriously think this guy is bad for you. Do what you think is best, ***** ***** think you need to listen to your family and friends. They know you and are looking g out for you.
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
Is his behaviour and demands, normal?
I am afraid it isn’t rare, but no it isn’t normal either.
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
I am not being selfish? Wanting to be able to still go out with my friends (even my gay one) not wanting to move in with him because he still doesn't make me feel like I want to, the way he speaks and orders me. Not wanting to be a co-parent to his kids (sharing his responsibility to look after them and take them out) I think it should be my choice as to whether I spend days out with them, as they are his children and those days are the only days I can try to schedule in seeing my friends and family because every other day of the week he normally stays at mine and has been for the past 3 months (practically living together), sadly, maybe it is because we are staying at MY flat for all this time, but his behaviour hasn't changed, if anything it has got worse. I know i have faults, everyone does. But not to deserve this?
I have six children of my own. If I were to divorce and find another girlfriend, She would have to accept my children. If you do not want children around, that does not make you selfish. That makes you incompatible. That in no way excuse his behavior though.