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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3828
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I’ve been dating a guy for 4 months. We’ve had a lovely time

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I’ve been dating a guy for 4 months. We’ve had a lovely time and been on holiday twice and he’s met my family recently. A week ago I was in a bit of a sore mood as it was the anniversary for a death which of not told him about. He immediately got angry that I was in mood disproportionally so. In the end i told him what was wrong and he said I should have told him sooner but he remained angry. He’s also my Dom and expects obedience all the time and I wasn’t playing ball that day.Last week issues at work which have been building for a few weeks now and making him stressed have required him to work 12 hour days this will continue for two more weeks. He’s very unhappy and now also exhausted which he tells me constantly. He was due to see friends Saturday which I found out about Friday and said he would try to see me on Sunday. I phoned and told him I was unhappy that he seems not bothered about this and he said it’s not the case he was struggling to fit everything in. I told him that I’m making assumptions in the absence of his communicating properly and I’m likely to reach the wrong conclusion and make a snap decision. He asked what and I said I’d end up finishing it. He went very quiet but after that comment said he may not be able to come round. I’d told him the previous weekend that I had no patience to deal with his behaviour and I was unhappy about his reaction - he had shoved me up against the wall with his had round my throat as he immediately went into Dom-mode which is unacceptable in everyday life but he is being like this more frequently and he didn’t respect the boundaries and kept saying then behave and do as you’re told.This is the confusing thing. He’s maintaining daily contact. Sharing details of his day, bantering as we do on Dom/sub things and asking lots of questions about what I’m doing. And who with. Yesterday I said I’d had my haircut and he asked for a photo. He’s not indicated he wants to end it or that he needs space. I don’t feel like he wants to end it going by our messages but then why avoid seeing me? As he’s admitted he can’t talk about emotions etc.... some conversations are just impossible. I don’t want to get into his by phone or text but if I don’t see him I can’t talk to him.I know he under pressure at work, pressure at home as he helps care for a disabled brother and doesn’t get on well with his parents (he’s 30) who are also emotionally closed.Any advice on handling this would be greatly appreciated as it’s causing me stress and anxiety on top of work stress I am facing.

It sounds to me like he is under a lot of pressure and is being pulled in many directions. I truly understand how you want to see him but I worry that if you push the issue or try to force hi to open up then he could pull away and for good. He does sound quick to anger and has a temper...if you desire to be with him the best thing you can do is to play things lightly and not push....that is not a great way to live, but I think it may work until his stress level comes down a bit. But, I do think you should ask yourself if this is what you want for yourself moving forward. We all get in sore moods and we want the comfort of our partners and not anger in return. So play this out for now and don't push things and keep the texts light without pushing for you to see one another. At the same time evaluate for yourself if this is what you want and deserve in a relationship long-term.

Customer: replied 7 months ago.
Since Saturday I have indeed backed right off and gone back to our usual messaging behaviour. He responded well to this and messaged a lot yesterday. I’ve not heard this morning but as an architect he get absorbed while he’s at work. Usually he would message in the morning when he arrives unless there’s a meeting or he walks into an issue which right now is often. I’ve noticed he is posting photos from our recent weekend away on Instagram (mostly buildings) but of 49 post 42 are things we’ve done together. He usually keeps his anger in check but the more stress he’s under the less he seems to be able to. He’s called Angry Adam at work so there clearly is an issue. Are men often like this when under stress?

It seems like things are getting back on track based on the texts and photos. All people can become more short tempered while under stress and if he feels pushed or asked to do something that he isn't capable of doing or giving the anger can increase. And if he has that nickname at work, clearly that is how he is seen by others and how he handles stress. Rest easy as it seems like things will get back on track.

Customer: replied 7 months ago.
I think the hardest thing is not knowing how long this may go on for - at least another 2 weeks from what he says. He’s not indicated he wants it to end but I guess I find it hard to understand why he’s messaging but not wanting to see me. If he’s tired he knows I’ll be happy to chill. I get the feeling he believes I’ll want sedans I already know that fatigued and stress affect him in that respect but obviously I can’t say that. I’m a commitment phobe so my reaction is flight and to accept a date from another guy who’s asked. Part of me thinks accept to protect myself but it doesn’t really feel right and I don’t believe Adam would understand. He’s already a little insecure as I have a lot of male friends.

I think if you can just sit through this tough space things will be okay. Being reactive and accepting another date, I don't hear that is what you truly want and could backfire. If he wanted to end things he would not be texting. Let it play out and if things don't go well you can always accept another date at such time, but for now, be chill, respond playfully and easily to his texts and if he makes no attempt in a few weeks to see you then you have your answer.

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Customer: replied 7 months ago.
Thank you

My pleasure. If you need me again in the future please begin a new question and write for Therapist Jen only and it will come to me. Be strong and be well...

Thank you for the lovely rating and wonderful bonus.