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JohnMichaels,MS,LPC, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1164
Experience:  25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
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Ok third time lucky, I'm in a quandary, my partner of five

Customer Question

Ok third time lucky,I'm in a quandary, my partner of five months has just thrown a spanner in the works by touching my friends bum when saying goodnight to her last weekend.
Let me fill you in: we're both in our early fifties, met online, get on well and have developed a close relationship so far. I find him quite adorable at times, he's sweet, gentle and does caring, thoughtful things. He is a very generous lover too, putting my pleasure before his own.
However, there is a problem. He tends to talk 'macho' too often for my liking, telling tales of boyish bad behaviour that I have found both childish and a bit 'off'.
This is ironic since I've seen nothing but gentleness and kindness in his behaviour to me.
He has told some stories in company that quite frankly make me cringe, once in front of my daughter who seems to have made her own mind up about him. I'd say his comments can be on the sexist side too.
I've spoken to him about it and he says I just live in a different world. His I think, is more 'John Wayne's world'. He treats me with respect but tends to comment on women's attractiveness which annoys me. Not in a 'I fancy her' way but as a matter of interest- like it's of any importance!
Despite all this, I've continued with the relationship since he's lovely to me. I'm not in a brilliant position with my work at the moment- self employed and struggling and yes I've been suffering low level depression- but that's another story. With him, I'm relaxed, together and feel things are ok.
So back to that night. We were with a close group of my friends having a dinner party. Everything was good except we all had rather a lot to drink. The host, who always loves to be the centre of attention decided to change into a sexy black number late on and we all thought it was a bit of fun.
Anyway, as we were leaving and kissing goodnight, my partner kissed the host and put his hands on her bum!
I was appalled. I didn't say anything in front of the others out of sheer embarrassment but let him know my feelings when we were home. It was touch and go whether he should just pack his bag and go in the morning. He was exceptionally apologetic and was at pains to make amends. The worrying thing is that he thought it was nothing- just a bit of fun.
Call me a prude but I just cannot look at it like that. I don't even know if my friend noticed- she was very drunk and so were the others. I'm absolutely mortified that they might think my new, sweet man is a perv. I can't bring myself to ask any of them but I'm sure it'll become apparent in their behaviour to me/him.
My man has said he'll change his ways - anything to keep me.
I'm feeling sick and confused. In the past I've ended relationships when I felt it was going wrong, even when I still loved the man. If I sense a man is lacking interest then that is a sure sign to get out.
This time, he's so keen to keep me and he's so kind- Im struggling to find a way here. I do wonder if he has some male inferiority complex? Making him behave in this ludercrous manner.
I don't know if he can change and whether I want to be the catalyst for that. There are a few things he'd need to hear which might be too crushing. Despite everything, I don't take any pleasure in hurting him. He is a sensitive man underneath his Sudo macho talk.
What do you think?
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 11 months ago.
Hello! You are I a predicament. I often tell my young clients you need to set your affection on a person for whom they are, not whom you hope they become. Though they might change, they are likely not to change as you wish. Your bf is in his fifties. The chances of him changing are even less. If you are set on a relationship with him, demand immediate measurable change. Don’t go into the relationship hoping for a change. Demand change before proceeding with the relationship. By the way, this would possibly start with an wpppppgy to the hostess. Does this make sense?
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 11 months ago.