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Rafael-E-Therapist
Rafael-E-Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3466
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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HELP! I am so lost right now, out of knowhere my partner

Customer Question

HELP!
I am so lost right now, out of knowhere my partner decided he don’t want to talk to me everyday but he basically cut me off completely. I work with him but he lives about 120 miles from me, I couldn’t question anything at work obviously. I was so confused, one time he did answer and told me nothings up with us he just didn’t want to speak everyday, I have him Soave and he didn’t speak to me at all. Out of knowhere he then asked to go for dinner, he then said he didn’t want this anymore and he wants to be friends, still meet up for drinks, dinner and even go up to his but nothing sexual purely just friends. We arranged for 2 weekends later which I purposely haven’t been in touch to give him space, I text today to say hey hope you are ok? I’ll be up yours anout 2 let me know if you want me to come later. He then text back saying he’s sorry he has forgot and he’s made arrangements to go and play golf on this presgious golf course (golf is his life) basically he let me down and I told him if he let me down on this I couldn’t ever see is being friends. He promised me he wouldn’t and really went to town on how much he wanted me as a friend. He’s now turned it around bringing up that he’s sorry but he said he didn’t want this anymore and he was honest with me about it when not once did I mention or have mentioned about us getting back together. I have expressed that to him and he hasn’t replied, I’m so confused I just want advise. He is a narcissist
Submitted: 10 days ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

Hello, I'm Rafael. Thanks for asking your question. I'm here to support you. I'm carefully reviewing your question now, and will respond ASAP.

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

I am very sorry to know about this very sad and frustrating situation.

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

Could you please tell me for how long have you been together, if there were no serious issues or red flags in your relationship before this happened?

Customer: replied 10 days ago.
6 years, no issues other than he’s always blown hot and cold, he’s a man that likes being in his own company.
Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

I see, then you mean you have not had any serious issues for these 6 years, that his personality and ways were not an issue in your relationship, but now, suddenly he decided to just leave, correct?

Customer: replied 10 days ago.
Don’t get me wrong we have had arguments about his ways but nothing to this level. But yes out of knowhere he was telling me he loved me a day before he stopped talking to me, then told me nothing was wrong or changed, then ended it.
Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

I wonder if you are still there and want to discuss this situation with me, otherwise, I will leave it for other experts to answer it.

Customer: replied 10 days ago.
I am still here I responded to your last message
Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

Thank you. Then it seems this is a truly serious situation and justifies why you feel this shocked and overwhelmed, since for an adult in a committed 6-year long relationship to suddenly leave like that, without any explanation, just abandoning you and showing no real accountability, remorse or compassion, shows a lot about this person's immaturity, selfishness and I could even say narcissism, since his actions are truly hurtful.

Customer: replied 10 days ago.
I just don’t know what to do, I still want him and I have to work with him. His reason is I just don’t want it anymore
Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

Obvious to me, a person capable and willing to abandon anybody like that, trying to manipulate you into the friend possibility, and they forgetting and using excuses to perpetuate his wounding actions, just confirm this person is not truly honest, accountable or caring, but uses you and the relationship for his own ego benefit.

Customer: replied 10 days ago.
Do you think he does still want me ?
Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

You need to be clear about what you truly are able and willing to afford here. This person is openly showing you that he does not care about you, and is capable to do anything selfish regardless of how you feel and the pain he inflicts...

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

I believe he does not want you the way you need, deserve and expect, but he would want you to keep you around to please him whenever he feels like that, since those are the traits and patterns his behaviors show,

Customer: replied 10 days ago.
How can I even snap out of craving him again I’m struggling even more so with working with him
Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

You have become emotionally attached/ addicted to him then to the point no matter how hurtful he happens to be, you still want and expect things to work. Your reactions and feelings are normal, but his actions are abnormal and abusive, and the more you tolerate and enable him and his ways, the worse you would feel ad the more painful his impact on your life.

Customer: replied 10 days ago.
I literally don’t know how to deal with this, you are right I know I want him to respect me and realise what he’s done regardless the outcome. I want him to want me again :(
Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

this is why am telling you that you need to carefully reassess your core needs and expectations, set your priorities right, in order to ensure you take god care of yourself and only afford what you want to afford, without suffering even more neglect, abuse and manipulation.

Customer: replied 10 days ago.
How does that make him realise?
Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

You are wise by not denying what you feel, but it does not mean you should fuel them and allow them to fool you, to self-sabotage, exposing yourself to further hurting. Everything in relationships, for them to be healthy, truly meaningful and fulfilling needs to be spontaneous and reciprocal, otherwise it would never work, and people would create a fake sense of stability, security and joy that would vanish at any moment, sooner or later.

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

Nobody has the power to control or make a person mature or change his ways if they do not want to change and work on themselves, and when it is about feelings, commitment and caring, the more they are pushed, the weaker they become, so the bigger the pain to afford from the illusion created. Attaching to nice expectations not matching reality does not help but cause further pain and suffering, which you do not need or deserve.

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

this person does not even seem to have the capacity or willingness to become your friend, because a healthy friend does respect, cares, support and ensures they do not cause pain and suffering, while this person feels comfortable doing all of that.

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

Please consider regular individual psychotherapy to work on this painful situation, this is a loss for you, you are grieving but need to heal from it, so please rely on professional support to work on yourself and not to self-sabotage and enable further manipulation and abuse.

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

Does it make sense to you?

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

Please remember that your first right, need and responsibility is to respect, protect, love and support yourself, since it is from there that you enable yourself to take good care of yourself around other people, without tolerating anybody to use, abuse, manipulate, control or neglect you.

Customer: replied 10 days ago.
It does, however I don’t feel better. I guess I had expectations of somehow feeling positive and maybe advise on how to deal with it and working on him to see sense I don’t know
Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

It is very sad and frustrating, there is no way a person in your shoes could feel positive about being left like he did, no matter how we approach this, and telling yourself he would be fine and everything would work well, could just lead to much more pain and suffering, that you do not really want to afford. Denial is a very powerfula nd appealing thing when we undergo pain, but if we take it, it would deeply fuel our pain and suffering making things much worse, since we would not take good care of ourselves, but would enable more of the abuse, neglect and manipulation we suffer because of a person's distorted ways.

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

This is why I recommend you to get individual professional psychotherapy, and all the help you can from your support system and social network, from the healthy respectful and caring people close to you.

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

Grieving a loss is never easy nor a pleasant process, but it is necessary and worthy, and if done well, it empowers you, makes you stronger and wiser, ensuring a much healthier, meaningful and fulfilling life and relationships.

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 10 days ago.

If this person truly cares and is willing to work on his personal issues affecting the role he plays in the relationship, he would do that to deserve you and make things work. Time will show you through his actions more than through his words, his real level of caring honesty, maturity and caring. But please do not delay taking good care of yourself waiting for him to change.

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 9 days ago.

Hello. I hope you could read the response and reply in order for your question to be closed. Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or to follow up, since I am here willing and ready to support you as much as possible. Thank you.