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JohnMichaels,MS,LPC, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
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My partner of 6 yrs is 49 and messaged my daughter's 16 yr

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My partner of 6 yrs is 49 and messaged my daughter's 16 yr old friend saying "hi is this ... And she says yes who is it and he says "I can't tell you so she says why? He says I shouldn't really be trying to talk to you so she says why who is it and he says I can't I'm shy she says give me a clue and he says I'm older than you I know you from ages ago ...and then she starts ringing him off her friends fone calling him wierd etc and he says . I'm sorry for texting you forgive me I shouldn't have text you ..and she says this is .....then he says I know its you wot u been up to anyway this girl he has known since she practically lived with me wen her and my daughter we're joined at the hip .. we were all going to go on holiday together..he has text her before now and she has txt him . I have even txt him off her fone ...the problem is she has now shown my daughter the texts and my daughter who has dun everything she can to break me and him up is saying he is a paedophile ..and my family are making me choose him or them.. he is a lovely person treats me with respect and has never given me any reason to believe he is anything more than loyal he worships me . He has bent over backwTds to make my kids like him and has become almost suicidal because we cannot have a proper relationship due to my children who are 31. 29..27 and 16 ..they have treated him so bad I'm ashamed I've let it happen but he's still tried with them. Now his excuse for contacting this girl is that he wanted to ask her now that she's a bit older if she can she'd some light into why my daughter hates him so much ...but after he started texting her he realized he should have just left it . Should I believe him and can severe depression drive an older man to this under the circumstances . Mite I add only a few weeks earlier I had said to him that my daughter used to get on with him much better when she was friends with this girl and I wished they would be friends again ..and he agreed she was a good influence on his and my daughter's relationship . We have both been under so much stress he isn't even allowed in my home anymore . As they will make us both feel uncomfortable if he does come round ..even tho their own boyfriend's and girlfriends have moved themselves into my home ...I feel I've lost control and he is trying so hard to be accepted but they don't want me with anone
Submitted: 6 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
He said as he's messaged her before he thought she knew it was him and was just messing round with her wen she said who is it and wen he said I can't tell u I'm shy this was said in jest ..she is a very outgoing chatty person and she would be the type to joke around ...and she even told my daughter. She knew right away it was him but as they hadn't spoke for ages she asked him who it was ...I will send you my situation and how it all started just to I've you some insight into how my partner has been treated over 6 yrs and how I feel maybe he has tried in desperation to see if she could help resolve our problems it is getting us both down we are both severely depressed and he lives with his mum as my kids will not let him live here ..even though it's my home please advise as I am being asked to choose him or them and my sisters are saying they don't want him around their little kids due to these messages as he shows signs of being a groomer ...we are both destroyed he has also the added pressure of looking after his elderly mum with cancer .. he has never been convicted doesn't drink or do drugs and treats me so well I couldn't ask for a better partner. Please help as we are both suicidal over this
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
I have been with my current partner for 5yrs after a 30yr relationship with my children's dad ..children are 31,29,27 and 16...their dad has made my life hell since splitting up telling them I'd been having an affair with my current partner so they would turn against me..I have always been a hands on mum putting them first since the day they were born while their dad was a drinker gambler and abused me..after heartfelt pleas to get him to change his ways the final straw came wen I came home from work at 4.30am ( I worked nights in order to still be able to take my kids to school every day ) to find my 10yr old asleep on the couch with front and back door left unlocked and her dad had gone to bed..his only interest was gambling so I called it a day.after i had to give up my job due to the stress .After this I started falling for the friend who had supported me through all of this can I add that I was a faithful wife for 30yrs and my ex was my first and only partner I had ever had I was with him from 15 and he was 22 long story short ex was very nasty ringing me early hours while I was in bed with our daughter saying he was sending someone round to murder me. .going to all my family's homes telling them I'd been having an affair and he was going to get me killed etc etc...I did not report him as I did not want my kids suffering any more than they were..I continued to try and have a relationship with my current partner but it was very difficult as I would only have to put on my coat and my kids would say where are you going . Who with why etc.. my partner lived with his elderly mother so didn't have his own place we're we could go and my children would not have allowed him to stay overnight (even tho the older ones all had sexual partners who stayed with them in my house regularly from when they were 16) it was clear to see for everybody that my life and my home was ruled by my children..but as I am and have always put my kids first I let this happen instead of taking the reins earlier.. my kids hated my partner for no reason there was hostility even if he came for a cup of tea ..he went above and beyond to help me and them in anything and everything even helping to keep a roof over our heads when I lost my job and my ex would not help me to pay the new partner then paid for me and my youngest to go to Florida (as we had never had the money to go and my ex had just won over £75000.00 a poker competition and given us nothing) and I said to my current partner  who was still then a friend at this point mite I add ) that I.would have loved it if I could have taken my daughter to a few weeks later because of what I'd endured he asked me if I would go with him if he paid for this point my daughter was now 13 and me and her dad had been apart for almost a year (I'm still not in relationship with friend at this point) so I discussed it with my daughter and she said yes she would love to the time she had a good friend who practically lived at I discussed her coming with us as she had never been before either and she was almost like a sister to my i explained I thought it a good idea that this friend came with us as she liked my partner and got along well with him and I thought this may help my daughter to accept him ,so my partner booked a family room for me my daughter and her friend and a room for him.even tho the friends mum was unsure if she could go as she had 3 other children and felt they were being "left out" if she let her older child come with us to such a memorable place so I told her mum well you have a year to decide we have booked a family room anyway just in case. .over the next 6 months I became closer to my friend as he had done so much for me was supportive and treated me with the utmost respect and we decided that we would see how we got on wen we went away and maybe start a relationship (this would mean 2 yrs after my marriage ending) long story short after 2 yrs of torture with my older kids (all in their 20s)  questioning every movement
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
questioning every movement I made calling me an unfit mum for going "shopping" with my "best friend" as he'd now become and going for meals with him and our youngest daughter I had a breakdown kids just hated him and didn't have an answer as to youngest was still difficult with him but her friend who practically lived with us used to say "aww he's a lovely man and he's nice to ur mum why don't u like him" ..but my daughter was being manipulated by her siblings and her dad and was a 13yr old by now and had an attitude.. long story short her friends mum had decided not to let her come to Florida with I said to my friend who had now become so close we had kissed but still not slept together I will contact the hotel and see if they can cancel your room on ur own and refund you some of your money back I still felt bad that he had paid all this money to take us away and we now had only 3 of us going in a room that had 2 king-size beds .so we cancelled his room but told my daughter before doing so and she was fine with him sharing with us we went away the room was large me and my daughter had one bed now partner had the other (we still hadn't slept together but my kids now knew we wanted to be together ) but I respected my young daughter by not sharing his bed..he was a gentleman..leaving the room while we had our showers and got dressed ..gave us our privacy even tho he had paid for holiday basically he only really used the room to shower and sleep he even used the hotels public toilet if he needed a number 2 so he didn't offend us if it smelt !!! So on the 4th night there my daughter who sleeps like a starfish had kicked my a few times whilst asleep and as I was suffering severe blood loss and pain due to gynacalogical problems I got into my partners bed half way through the night just to try and get some rest I even slept on the end of the bed incase my daughter woke up and got the wrong idea ...well she did wake up and boy was she angry ...calling me a twat and a fukin bitch and said "what the f**k are doing in there with that" I was destroyed .heartbroken embarrassed to say the partner awoke to the shouting out of her and saw how distraught I was by this time I was vomiting due to the abuse she was giving us both.. besides me bleeding heavily and severely anaemic this was making me really I'll...she got on the phone to her older siblings telling them I'd slept in the bed with "that f**king c**t" were her exact I then had the added stress of them ringing me up asking why I had left her in the bed on her own I told them it was innocent as I wa I'll and couldn't get comfortable but I was by now the world's worst mum partner left us in the room as he was totally shocked by her behaviour ...he came back up later and seen how upset I was and proceeded to tell her "you only get one mum you should respect her ...he said I am 45 and my mum is my best friend" she then lashed back at him by saying to me while he was stood there "who the fuk does he think he's talking to..ha I bet his mum is his only friend cos he's a c**t" I kno I should not have let this happen to him but by this time I think I was having a breakdown I was bleeding heavily and was extremely Ill by this point due the stress she was causing but we just had to make the best of it my partner with gritted teeth continued to take us out for breakfast dinner and tea going above and beyond to please my daughter even going out of the restaurant we we're in before our meal came to get her a drink from the local supermarket because she said her drink in the restaurant "smelt funny" and buying her new trainers and clothes to add into the mix now comes day 5 and my bully of a 55 yr old brother and his 19 yr old girlfriend who he met wen she was 16 in a mental hospital turn up arranged by my ex to ruin our holiday (yes you heard right my ex asked my brother to come over and destroy my holiday) my 13yr old daughter decides she wants to hang out with them even though they are drug addicts well this is where I just could not go on as she got more abusive and now my
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
mother only interested in herself and her "new fella" my partner went to play golf on day 6 only to b struck by lightning and had to stay in bed for 3 days as he was really I'll ...and all the time he was there my daughter would randomly say .eeeee he fukin knocks me sick he thankfully didn't hear any of this as he was too I'll and comotose after the lightning episode..its now day 10 and my brother and his partner continues to meet us every day at our pool even tho they are staying in a different hotel a few miles away my partner got up feeling ok on going to the bar he is met by the manager asking him to pay his bill he had ran up in the past 2 days ,questioning this he was told my brother and his partner had been buying drinks but opened it up as a tab in my partner's name to b charged to my partner long story short the holiday continued to be a nightmare right up until the day before we left when my daughter went to the theme park with my brother and his partner as I was now too I'll to go anywhere 4pm I was rang by my daughter to say she was staood alone outside the park as my brothers partner had been arrested for shoplifting I then had to travel to get her and was out until after midnight taking my brother to Orange county jail to try and get her released we came home and I thought my partner would do a runner but he stood by me , since then the situation has continued and my partner has continued to be treated with anymosity by my kids anything he says or does is wrong ..if he does nice things he's being false if he's in my home wen my kids come in they look at him like he's a piece of dirt ..he treats me well gets on with the rest of my family we take my nieces and nephews out and he is great with them playing football buying them a little set of golf clubs to teach them his favourite sport looked after me through my hysterectomy while looking after his elderly mum while she's had throat cancer he is her full time carer all the time working nights as a security officer he doesn't drink or take drugs and his only vice is his local football team which he lives for he was also at Hillsborough when he was 20 and did not receive counselling which I think has led to him being a bit impatient he likes things done quickly and with perfection and likes things extremely clean and tidy and becomes anxious in crowds the final nail in the coffin came about 2 months ago when my partner said to me that he thought my elder daughter's boyfriend was taking advantage of me due to him moving himself into my home after dating her for 3 weeks my daughter heard this and a huge row erupted and all my kids called him for everything and told him to get out our house he has been severely depressed about it all as am I and we only spend our nights together when we go on holiday this has caused so much pressure on our relationship and we have hardly any time together at all quality time that is,we do go shopping of a day once or twice a week but that's all ,,and now i get to why I am contacting daughter's friend who was going to come away with us and is now 16 and hasnt been close friends with my daughter for about 2 yrs and I often say to my partner I wish they were still friends as my daughter got on better with him wen they were like sisters and he agrees she was a good influence as far as he is concerned ..well we both went away in May and accidentally I synced my phone to his so all my contacts went to his phone so all my daughter's friends numbers were on his phone he deleted them but kept this 16yr olds who he knew and got on with ... unbeknown to me he messaged to ask was it her and she replied with who is this? So he says I'm sorry I shouldn't be texting you I'm too old and she says who is it give me a clue and he says I am older than you I shouldn't be trying to get to know you I feel wierd she then says wots ur name he says I can't tell u I'm shy then says wot u been up to ,,she then says this is Sophy and he says I know it's you she then started ringing him on various numbers and was getting her friends to as well saying who are you wierdo etc he messaged saying I'm sorry please forgive me for texting you as he got a shock and even thought maybe it wasn't her number any more ..well my 16yr old has been contacted by this girl and shes showed her the messages ..I confronted him and he said he just wanted to contact her to maybe find out the reason he has never been accepted by my daughter and maybe now she's older she could shed more light on this .he said at first he thought she was messing saying who is it cos he knew she had txt him before and assumed she knew who it was as he didn't withold his number I totally believe him as he has never given me any reason to suspect he would do anything like this I have his passwords for his phone his 02 account his email etc and he doesn't even own a computer and has no access to Internet at home children and my family who I adore with
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
All my heart are trying to say these messages show signs of a groomer I know for certain he isn't capable of anything so vile and I feel it is sad to label him as such ..the both of us are suicidal over this .the girl even messaged me saying she doesn't think the messages are bad but a neighbour who worked for police said she's best repoetung it "just incase" he has previous which I know he has never even had a parking fine cos he doesn't even drive I feel this is all gotten out of hand and my kids are using any excuse to rid him out my life..but I need your advice on these messaged do you think he's a predator we have both sobbed for hours over this and his mum is I'll with worry please help me sort this out any advice is greatly appreciated. .thank you in advance for much needeed response I
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
I'm so sorry for my long message but please help me ..I love him dearly and he is the nicest man I have ever met . My mum and sisters adored him until my kids showed them these messages and now convinced my family he is no good like they have told me all along I am desperate and I really am suicidal over this as I love my kids and my family so much but I also don't want to put little kids in my family at risk if you think by this message they might be ...I will take your advice So I know you are a professional in this area and if I need to pay any more to find my answer I will ..thank you
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 6 months ago.
Hello, welcome to JA. I am John Hewett and am going to try to help you. Please give me a moment to look over your question. Thank you.
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 6 months ago.
There is not enough there to prove anything about your partner, but it was most definitely unwise and very suspicious. I am more concerned about the condition of your family. If you wish to have a relationship with your children and siblings, you are going to have to break it off with your partner. There is no way I would call him a pedaphile based solely on that exchange. I would respect the feelings of my entire family and break it off. By the way, I believe it was very unwise to move to his bed in the hotel room. It wasn’t overly wise for him to be in the same room as you and your daughter to begin with. To sum it up, I believe:•You need to break it off with your partner.• Reach out to your children and try to resolve your differences.• Seek Family Counseling, especially for you and you 16 year old.• Develop some boundaries. I believe I understood you to say that your adult children are still living at home. They need to move out.• Try independence for a while. You have been through some failed relationships. You need to prove to yourself you can survive o your own before entertains another relationship.I know that is not what you wanted to hear. Unless I misunderstood your situation, I believe it is your best option. Does that make sense?