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It sounds like you have come on very strong and you must must must stop reaching out to her or anyone else connected to her if you have any chance of her coming back. If she misses you and wants to speak with you, she will know how to reach out, but you dig yourself further in a hole by not respecting her wishes right now.
I understand how hard it is but if you push her at all which you have been she will only move further away from you. Your only chance is to let her be and if she wants to come back she will. Hanging on only helps her to feel suffocated and more angry.
Maybe she is maybe she isn't. But it doesn't really matter the only thing that matters is that you leave her alone and give her the space. No way to tell if she will come back but for now it's your only option and your best bet.
if you are feeling suicidal you must go and get emergency treatment.
Your self esteem and should never be based on another human being. If it is I absolutely wholeheartedly recommend you getting into face-to-face therapy.
Please take my suggestions and get into therapy in the meantime and give her space. Wishing you peace with all of it.
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Thank you so much.