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Ask Rafael-E-Therapist Your Own Question
Rafael-E-Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6479
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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It was my birthday this weekend boyfriend took me to a nice

Customer Question

Hello it was my birthday this weekend boyfriend took me to a nice hotel we had planned to go out that evening but when the time come I was tired cause I hadn’t slept the night before so I wanted to just chill and have a few drinks in the hotel my boyfriend was not happy about this as he wanted to go out he sat for a half and hour looking sour not speaking to me until we had a massive fight.. then yesderday we had a row over him going out with his friends this weekend he called me names called me a spoilt brat I can’t help but feel like he has ruined my birthday weekend which was meant to be fun and happy
Assistant: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?
Customer: No
Submitted: 7 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 7 months ago.

Hello, I'm Rafael, an integrative psychotherapist. I'm here to support you. I'm carefully reviewing your post now, and I am very sorry to know you have found yourself in this very painful and frustrating situation.

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 7 months ago.

What you have described here is shocking, since it shows how a very special occasion because of a very painful and abusive scenario because of your boyfriend's selfish, immature and dysfunctional ways.

Customer: replied 7 months ago.
What should I do
Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 7 months ago.

Could you please tell me for how long have you been in this relationship and if this is the first time your boyfriend mistreats you and acts out like this?

Customer: replied 7 months ago.
I have been in this relationship for nearly 2 years now and no it is not
Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 7 months ago.

The first thing you always need to do is to ensure you respect, protect and take good care of yourself, and that means you set and keep healthy boundaries, without tolerating any form of abuse.

Customer: replied 7 months ago.
I suppose the agrument yesderday about him going out with his friends was my fault as I said to him I didn’t want him to go out this friends he said to me that he had took me away for the weekend and got me everything I had wanted and I was acting like a spoilt brat
Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 7 months ago.

Then if a person's actions show you he is able and willing to hurt you like this, you need to come to terms with reality that such person could not become a healthy, caring, respectful, loving and su[p[ortive boyfriend/life partner, who meets your core needs and expectations, since he has shown you his inability and unwillingness to even respect you.

Customer: replied 7 months ago.
When I had told him on Saturday evening I didn’t want to go out that it was my birthday and my choice what we done he said sorry
Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 7 months ago.

I agree with you that you should not have pushed him to do something he did not want to do, but at the same time, the time he was supposed to be there for you, to share with you, focused on your birthday was spoiled by his selfish and abusive ways, then it made sense for you to expect him to do something to compensate his mistake.

Unhappily, this and any other good thing in relationships should enver be pushed, but must be spontaneous, thus if he did not feel like doing it, it showed his priority was to leave and have a good time with his friends and not to ensure things got fine between you. His shows immaturity, lack of caring and accountability.

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 7 months ago.

Saying sorry is assertive, but if his actions do not consistently follow/match those words, then you have a real problem there. I believe each of you needs to reflect on what is acceptable to expect and do in your relationship. That nice words are good, but become useless if consistent actions do not follow. That a healthy and fulfilling relationship is built by two people truly wanting to work on it, setting each other as a top priority and doing your best to ensure not only your health and well-being, but your happiness and growth, and making sure no form of abuse, neglect or manipulation happens. Does it make sense?

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 7 months ago.

You said this is not the first time something like this happened, then you need to calm down, and carefully and mindfully talk about these issues and what each of you as individuals and both as a couple needs to do to prevent similar problems, taking full responsibility for your own feelings, choices and actions.

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 7 months ago.

Hello. I wonder if you read my response and if it answered your question.

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 7 months ago.

Hello. I hope you could read the response. Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or to follow up, since I am here willing and ready to support you as much as possible.

Thank you,