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Rafael-E-Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6706
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have been seeing Jessica for a month, we have made out but

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I have been seeing Jessica for a month, we have made out but we have not done anything more than that. I have been friends with Valerie with a few years and it's been platonic the whole time as almost the whole time I known her she had a bf. Some time ago, she and her bf broke up (he was toxic) So, I went out with Valerie and another friend, we end up drinking and heading to the other friend's place which has her ex as he is the other friend's roommate. Later, both of us are drunk and I accompany Valarie outside for a cigarette. At this time, she's getting very close and starts saying how she feels bad for touching me and that Jessica is so nice and pretty and it was pretty clear both of us in that moment wanted to kiss. I addressed it I ask her if she wants to kiss me and she said maybe, like 40% I feel bad. I told her in that moment that it's not serious with Jessica and that we can do it. We ended up making out. Next day, I texted her asking if she's feeling okay and she says she doesn't really remember the night and is uncharacteristically screening my recent texts. I don't want to lose the friendship and I feel bad for kissing another girl despite not being official. How should I move things forward in this situation?
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else the Psychologist should be aware of?
Customer: No, that's as much detail as there is.

Hello, I'm Rafael, an integrative psychotherapist. I'm here to support you. I'm carefully reviewing your post.

I am sorry to know about your distress. You are right about how your relationship with Jessica and yoru friendship with Valerie have been impacted by your actions.

Could you please tell me more about what you mean by moving things forward?

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
I don't want to lose the friendship with Valerie mainly. I want to also understand how it came about that we kissed. We are close and I know she came out of a bad relationship and she has asked me about how she is starting to consider dating again. Like I say, we were both quite drunk when the kiss happened but I want to understand if it means something. Because she mentioned a few times how she feels bad cause I am with someone. I told her in the moment it wasn't serious as we'd only been seeing each other for a month and there's no established commitment. Do you believe we both have feelings for one another and the lowered inhibitions brought it out?

Most friendships between heterosexual people who feel comfortable with each other, and have some level of attraction create attachment and from the expectations, speculation, and wondering about something romantic or sexual. Obviously, you do not feel strong enough affection towards your girlfriend, and felt comfortable, and as you said, less inhibited to get closer to your friend when decided to be under the influence of alcohol.

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
That makes sense on my psychology but what of Valarie's? also could you guide me towards how (if we should) talk about what happened? see, I remember it happening but she claims she doesn't. Not that I've asked but she has said she doesn't remember much of the night at that point.

I suggest you not to push this person at all about this topic. Respect her position about it. Nobody but she knows about her feelings and expectations, and only if she chooses to discuss them with you she will otherwise it won't happen, and if you push, you'd have to afford her reaction.

Her behavior is already telling you about her choices and way to approach this. You can respect and support it, or push her being ready to afford it.

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
Could you elaborate on her behavior?
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
I am also trying to figure out if she has feelings for me beyond friendship that just came out with lowered inhibitions.

She is either telling the truth and she does not remember it, or she has chosen to avoid the topic because of feeling uncomfortable about it, not wanting to discuss it with you.

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
I think knowing her, it's more the latter yeah.

Again, people in her shoes would most times have some form of feelings after a long-term friendship, but you could endlessly speculate about them and never be right, since only she knows and only if she chooses to be open and honest about it you would know.

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
That makes sense. Despite all this, I am not expecting us to now throw ourselves into a change of dynamic in the relationship. I first and foremost want her in my life as a friend, I don't want her now to feel uncomfortable and distance herself. I am open to exploring things if we both have feelings beyond friendship. I just hope now, as it stands it seems she isn't responsive to me as usual via text, it's caused tension.

My suggestion is for you to protect your friendship, taking things easy, and learning from what people's behaviors show you. That way you would make improvements and ensure a healthier, happier and more fulfilling reality for you and your relationships.

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
Do you think I could still invite her out for drinks as we've always done? obviously not addressing the subject myself.

Sure, as long as she shows the willingness to share that way. Just do not push her.

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
as it is now, I am suspecting she is screening my texts because, while there isn't a read receipt, I have noticed she has used whatsapp couple times today after my texts were sent. No doubt she would have seen them, do you think she's likely to get back to me? I'll try sharing the texts with you bare with me...

Yes, I believe that sooner or later she will reply.

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
what is your feeling on this last text convo?

I am sorry but I do not see any text messages.

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
do you not see attachments?

No, I have not received any files from you.

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
I tried with the file uploading thing next to the chat, is there an alternative way I can send them to you?

The website exclusively allows the use of this interface to send files for regular questions.

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
I'll try sending them again. As it is, I see them and can access them in the chat.
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
here's the second

I got it now.

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
good! let me know what you think
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
also, FYI: we kissed when she went out to smoke

Her messages just show she is telling you how bad she feels about drinking and not remembering anything from a certain point.

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
Right, in any case do you believe still she will get back to me? or maybe if she doesn't I can ask her for drinks in a couple days time for the weekend?

Only time will tell, and you can take the initiative for sure if you do not hear back from her.

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
Alright, sounds good. Thanks for your help!

You’re very welcome. Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions since I am here willing and ready to support you as much as possible.

You can contact me using this direct link to my profile, you could bookmark it for easy access, and just make sure you state “For Rafael only” in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.

Also, know that I provide confidential counseling/psychotherapeutic support via Premium Services, which is implemented via Skype or phone call, in case you feel comfortable with me and would like to discuss this in more detail or any other concern, and the best approach to work on it.

Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care.


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