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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10056
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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Have had input before but this is an updated version. Would

Customer Question

Have had input before but this is an updated version. Would be greatful for professional input/thoughts on the situation please.Met a guy online. Dated for about 2 months. Both 29. He was persistent and the pursuer which was good. We met up on the weekends and had nice fun dates. He likes being 'spontaneous' with dates. That’s fun but I also like planned dates which he used to joke about. I had conversations with him OVER the course of dating e.g. 'what’s your dating goal', 'are you open to the possibility of a relationship' and stated what I am looking for in general terms (to reduce wasting time). He once replied saying ‘I don’t ask myself too many questions’ and when asked ‘where do you see yourself in 5 years’. He said 'I told you, service director' but he's tone seemed a little off. (He says he’s very ambitious which is also stated on his online profile). At the start he said he doesn't really believe in online dating as he is a 'conventional guy'. Said he’s looking to date and have fun with the girl and see where it goes. On another date said he’s looking for something serious as he’s ‘tired of having one night stands’. Said he was a party boy!I felt I had sex with him sooner than I probably should have. On one of our dates, I told him that I really enjoyed it etc (no regrets) but in moving forward to take it a bit slower until we know it’s heading in the right direction. He said ‘it is. I am getting horny now' and covered the front of his trousers. Another time when i stayed at his, we never had sex as he was drunk which was fine. The next morning I said we didn’t have sex but for some reason possibly due to my own insecurity, I said something like we should take it slow and don’t need to have sex all the time until we know it’s going in the right direction or in a relationship (can’t remember exactly the words). He said ‘As long as it’s not too long’ and then said ‘what are we then’. I suppose this was a missed opportunity to talk about it etc as somehow the subject got changed/sidetracked and I regret this. Looking back it appears that he may have felt pressure, although didn’t tell me if he did. It’s not like I wanted a relationship right then and there as was still getting to know him but not sure how it was conveyed and there should have been better communication on expectations etcFriday evening ‘incident’. He contacted me saying he’s meeting with friends and asked about my weekend plans. I wasn’t able to meet as wanted to spend time with my sister and her partner. (Her partners father passed away). In the end, I didn't spend time with my sister as they had plans. I spoke to him the next day via text and asked whether he wants to meet up. He said he is meeting his friend who he was with last night. His friend is joked about amongst their group of friends as he is always 'girl hunting' but never really successful. He replied 'I told him last night when we were drunk that I’ll help him get more girls numbers lol'. I stupidly called and overreacted saying 'I THINK WE SHOULD STOP DATING'. (I didn’t shout). He asked why. I said I don't know I just think we should. He said 'it's up to you'. I never heard anything from him so texted a couple days later to apologise. Then sent a text a day later. He replied a few days later and said 'HI THAT'S FINE, I THINK YOU WERE RIGHT ANYWAY. MAYBE WE SHOULD STOP IT THIS IS GOING TO FAST'. My last contact was through FB messenger as he wasn’t answering my call. I sent a message with an explanation but he ignored it.Some background: He was quite overly sexual from the start and spoke about his one night stands in detail on dates which seemed funny at first. Said as a joke after sex that he thinks he’s a sex addict. He said he slept with 30 something amount of girls in conversation. He slightly flirted with the waitress on one of our dates as when she was walking off he touched her hand to stop her and asked her to wink so she could show me how to, as it was a joke between us as I am rubbish at winking. We met with his friends one day in the pub and there was a girl there (a friend of his friends friend who he met once/twice before). After a while he spoke to her while I spoke to his friend. Afterwards he said to me the girl was talking to him about her dilemma with this guy she is seeing who has a girlfriend and about their sex together. He said she asked him for sex but he told her he is dating me and likes me and will ask me whether I would like a threesome (him, me and her). He drinks a lot when out and loses his phone. One night when drunk, he said he liked me and then went ‘arghh’. I said what’s wrong. He said he hates being dependent on someone or something similar to that? When we spoke about last relationships, he said his ex gf used to have a go at him for not posting photos of them on FB and not putting 'in a relationship status' but would post photos of him and his friends.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Follow up:
Told me that the last girl he dated for a month had texted him 'apologising for overreacting' (I think she wanted more). He said he has ignored her and he doesn't really care, she wasn't good in bed and has better chemistry with me? He once told me he can't say 'I love you' to his parents and doesn't know why but gets along with them.
I know I messed up and blew up the bridge too soon! Is he worth it? Was there red flags? Wouldn’t he try to work it out if he liked me?
Ruminating about the what if's.
Expert:  Nicola-mod replied 1 year ago.
Hello,
I've been working hard to find a Professional to assist you with your question, but sometimes finding the right Professional can take a little longer than expected.
I wonder whether you're ok with continuing to wait for an answer. If you are, please let me know and I will continue my search. If not, feel free to let me know and I will cancel this question for you.
Thank you!
Nicola
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 1 year ago.

Oh you are SO right about there being red flags - add bells and whistles going off too! First, repeatedly drunk is not ok. It would lead one to believe, probably rightly so, that he has a drinking problem. Many, if not most people without drinking problems can and do drink socially without having so many that they get drunk. In fact, in the 'best' social circles, becoming drunk is something considered "low class" and "unacceptable". So by all means expect any man in your life to live up to that higher level. You deserve nothing but the best, right?

Next - even uttering that he "might be" a sex addict hits the bells and whistles. It's like someone saying, "I MIGHT be an alcoholic" - if a person suspects something about themselves - chances are it's true. In my counseling practice if anyone asked, "Am I an alcoholic?" - I had to tell them that just by asking that question it would appear that they are. Obviously there were exceptions, but you get the idea.

On a subconscious level you likely made that statement about not dating anymore because you "Knew" it was best. His not only being agreeable, but rudely ignoring you thereafter tells me you made the right decision

Agonizing over "what if's" is a waste of time. For every minute you spend looking over your shoulder at yesterdays - you loose a minute of your today's - and quite possibly opportunities right in front of you in the way of meeting someone new and more appropriate.

Let that past go - focus on right now and anticipate the promise of tomorrow

Be healthy - be happy - be in the moment and think more highly of yourself in order to get 'better' going forward. This makes much more sense than ruminating, right?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi. Thank you for your response. Your making sense.
I feel like their were misunderstandings because when I said lets take it more slower (in sex) until we know it's heading in the right direction etc'. Looking back that sounds like I wanted a committed relationship there and then (when I didn't exactly). So if he felt pressure than I understand that because you wouldn't expect someone to commit when you haven't been dating that long right?
Does it sound like that? This could have been our opportunity to talk about things but it never happened.
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 1 year ago.

Please stop trying to make excuses for him. You did NOTHING wrong or unreasonable. His reaction was both wrong and unreasonable, which clearly indicates he was not of good character - which you deserve.

It's difficult to 'talk about things' with someone who is so ready to quit.

You have to recognize that - don't you?

Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 1 year ago.

Are you ok?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi. Thanks.
Just felt it was done all wrong. He probs thought i wanted a relationship there and then when it wasn't the case so ofcourse he will feel pressure if he feels he has to make the decision within the time we dated? Do you think his words and actions indicate a man who is not ready or does not a relationship?