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Rafael-E-Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10525
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I recently ended a13 year long term relationship which was a

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I recently ended a13 year long term relationship which was a coercive one. I had been wanting to end it for a few years but my own insecurities, fear of being alone and guilt over worrying about how my partner would react, prevented me from doing it. After receiving a number of hateful, verbally abusive texts over a couple of weeks after I ended it, rather than feeling relief I feel sad, anxious, empty, lonely and missing him tremendously. I've cried at some point every day for the last 3 weeks yet I was so sure of ending it all this time and fantasised about how I would start a new life, make new friends (I only have one) etc. Instead I'm still trying to get to grips with how I feel about him, the relationship and my loneliness. I've started almost to wonder whether I made a mistake. Is this normal, even though it was my decision?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Why has my question been closed when I have not yet received a response? Open it again please
I've been working hard to find a Professional to assist you with your question, but sometimes finding the right Professional can take a little longer than expected.
I wonder whether you're ok with continuing to wait for an answer. If you are, please let me know and I will continue my search. If not, feel free to let me know and I will cancel this question for you.
Thank you!

Hello, I'm Rafael, an integrative psychotherapist. I'm here to support you. I'm very sorry to know about your distressful situation. Your question has been referred to me. Could you please tell me if you still want to discuss your situation?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I do. Please re- open my question

I truly lament to know how much you suffered during your past relationship, and how things have not been easy for you after you finally got the courage to leave.

The way you feel now, doubting yourself, your decision and your feelings about this abusive person, are a distorted and common reaction to a very abusive and dysfunctional relationship, where you codependent;ly attached to this person, tolerating and enabling his destructive ways, while probably trying to make things work, and hoping things would be better, telling yourself he loved you justifying the pain you were undergoing.

Codependency, causes people to feel this way. Most times there are self-esteem problems, anxiety and intense fear of abandonment/rejection fueling codependency and leading people to tolerate and enable abusive relationships.

Many times abusive people alienate their victims to ensure they can control, manipulate and abuse them. Now you find yourself isolated and alone and obviously depressed since the wounding from long-term abuse does not just vanish with the end of an abusive relationship. It takes work and most times professional psychotherapeutic support for people to work on their rehabilitation and healing processes.

You have liberated yourself from him, but this attachment, destructive dependency and the wounding remain.

This is why you need to work on your healing, rehabilitation, and growth from this past experience, otherwise, you will self-sabotage again whether it happens to be with this person or other people like him.

Please, look for a professional psychotherapist with expertise in relationships, abuse and mood disorders, ideally a marriage and family therapist, with an integral/integrative psychotherapeutic approach, this is a professional who would not adjust you to their way of work, but adjust themselves to your needs, personality, and expectations. Psychotherapy will support your healing and enable you to grow and empower yourself from this painful situation.

Your social network and support system need to play an active role here. Having a couple of healthy, mature and caring persons in your life, could make the difference between you self-sabotage and healing yourself with the right support. here is where your close friend plays a role, but you also need to work on expanding this support system to empower yourself and your life. Does it make sense?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
it does. I'm actually now thinking it wasn't so bad, but I think it's because during the last few years everything seemed fine because I thought I was happy in the relationship but my behaviour had changed. He didn't hit me or force me not to do what I wanted, but I wasn't my true self. I was dependent on staying even though I wasn't happy but I felt like I was ok because I just accepted being in a relationship going nowhere. I stopped speaking out if I wasn't happy about something and I actually became depressed as I didn't really want to go out and meet people. I never introduced him to friends because I was ashamed and knew that the relationship wasn't right. I feel like it's my fault for being in the relationship. He turned up at my home last week ringing the doorbell after I ignored the texts and phone calls so I called the police. They went to his home to warn him to stay away but he didn't answer. I was scared but more scared about letting him back into my life. Since then I blocked his number but I've still felt guilty and missing being with him and I feel so lonely. It's worse at the weekend now, but worst still is that even though I blocked his number the voice messages still come through and I received one on Thursday night. I listened and he had completely changed, sobbing down the phone saying 'I can't stop thinking of you.' It made me feel worse because at least when he was angry it was easier to avoid him emotionally in a way. Now I feel the urge to contact him again and reassure him, to make him feel better and it's so strong. It's like I've forgotten how unsatisfied I was with him and I can't seem to think straight. I'm literally trying so hard not to call or text or email. I know you talk about a support system but I only have one friend. My family don't know about my ex because I kept him a secret for 13 years as we were together for 2 years before but I ended it because of him cheating although he denied it. He harassed me that time, turning up at my parents' home and the police were involved. The shame of them finding out about him again led me to lead this double life. I need to know that I'll get through this and that things will get better? What can I do to keep myself from returning or thinking of him? It will be a month tomorrow and I still don't feel I can relax or move on

I am sorry to see this is a long-term nightmare, that you not only tolerated by enabling this person's hurting you for so long, alienating yourself from your family and reality. If you truly want to rehabilitate and rebuild a healthy, meaningful nd fulfilling life, then you need to commit to psychotherapy and to eradicate any form of dishonesty, avoidance, denial, justification and similar issues, since they fuel this addictive and destructive self-sabotaging pattern you have around this person.

Group therapy seems necessary, but if one is not available, please join a support group for codependency to complement individual psychotherapy to ensure your best progress in rehabilitation.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I'm trying to go out more but I almost feel lost and in a daze, not knowing what to do with myself and trying to do anything I can to not be still with my own thoughts about him. I realise I need to make new friends but at the same time I feel as though people will think I'm a bit pathetic knowing I don't have much to say or anything interesting that I've done. My ex and I just used to stay in all the time and my life's basically been on hold all these years with someone I shouldn't have been with but at the same time now feel like I don't know what to do without. Now I feel like at 44, my life has been wasted and I have nothing to show for it.

That's why you need psychotherapy to work on learning from how to respect and understand yourself, to how to support and protect yourself. Isolating, or staying passive will not help. You should have changed your phone number right away, and you need to reconnect with your family if what you expect is to make your healing and rehabilitation work, and not to waste any more fo your life and time around this p[erson or anybody like him.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions since I am here willing and ready to support you as much as possible, OK?

You can contact me using this direct link to my profile, you could bookmark it for easy access, and just make sure you state “For Rafael only” in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.

Also, know that I provide confidential counseling/psychotherapeutic support via Premium Services, which is implemented via Skype or phone call, in case you feel comfortable with me and would like to discuss this in more detail or any other concern, and the best approach to work on it.

I wonder if you read my response, if it answered your question, and if there is anything else I could do to support you.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks Rafael, I read your response and I understand what you're saying. I do speak to my mum and dad but not my brother and I want to reconnect. This is one of the reasons I ended the relationship because I could no longer live this double life and lies. Thanks for the direct link, it would really help if I could keep in touch with you at the moment for support as I really need it at the moment

You are very welcome. Please reconnect with your brother and any healthy and caring people in your life who was pushed away; commit to therapy, and feel free to contact me for any further support.

Thank you for your trust, and bye for now,


Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I will, thank you.

Good. You're welcome.

Rafael-E-Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10525
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael-E-Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you