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Rafael-E-Therapist
Rafael-E-Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5972
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Assistant: How can I help? My wife bumped into an old male

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Hi.
Assistant: Hello. How can I help?
Customer: My wife bumped into an old male school friend that she hasn't seen in 20yrs a few months ago and they planned to meet up with my knowledge without kids so they could properly catch up. I wasn't totally happy about this but she assured me it was just as friends and they used to be really good mates at school. He was going to come along to a gig for a band I play in but that didn't happen in the end. Anyhow, one night my wife spent most of an evening messaging him and even when we got into bed. I was really pissed off and asked to know what he was saying. She read out the messages and I felt they were a little too friendly if you get my drift. Nothing obvious but reading between the lines this guy I believe would like to see my wife for more than just a catch up. She assures me that this is not the case and says that she certainly is not after anything other than a friendly catch up. I do trust her but I'm getting increasingly uneasy about the fact that every few weeks they start messaging each other again with little friendly messages just asking how each others days are going. Just seemingly innocent chit chat. (I am logging into her social media account and reading the messages without her knowing which I feel really guilty about but can't stop myself). He's sent her pictures a few times of his legs when he's been relaxing in the sauna or on his own bed which included his crotch area but fully clothed. I find this is crossing a line bit I don't know what to do about it. His brother is really good friends with the lead singer of my band and I keep thinking that I'm just being overly sensitive and paranoid and stupid but I'm feeling so much rage about the whole thing. To top it off I'm pretty sure his wife knows nothing about their online chats. My wife has not told me that they have messaged each other over the last month even though I know they have been. It's always when I'm out and usually initiated by him but there was one time when she initiated it. Please help make sense of all this as I feel like I'm going a bit insane
Assistant: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?
Customer: Just that we were away for two weeks in the summer and they had no contact then but I took kids away on my own for a weekend after that holiday and discovered that she had been messaging him a lot then and the following week she seemed very disinterested in sex.
Hello,

I've been working hard to find a Professional to assist you with your question, but sometimes finding the right Professional can take a little longer than expected.

I wonder whether you're ok with continuing to wait for an answer. If you are, please let me know and I will continue my search. If not, feel free to let me know and I will cancel this question for you.

Thank you!
Nicola
Customer: replied 3 days ago.
I'm happy for you to continue searching

Hello, I'm Rafael, an integrative psychotherapist. I'm here to support you. I'm carefully reviewing your post and I'm sorry to know about your distressful situation.

I can see why you feel this angry and frustrated. You feel uncomfortable with your wife suddenly communicating in such a friendly way with a man you do not know, even when you are in your bed.

 

These are reasonable emotions for most people in your shoes, ut at the same time, as you have described here, their plan to meet was canceled, and you have accessed all their messaging and found there was nothing significantly inappropriate. What I see is fueling your anger, is your decision not to be honest and open about it, and setting healthy and clear boundaries about how you feel and what you do not feel comfortable with. like them chatting when you are together in bed, lat at night and similar scenarios.

 

You need to stop disrespecting your wife but violating her privacy. You should directly ask her anything you need and want to know. She felt comfortable showing you her messages, so it seems that is not a problem for her. But you need to openly and clearly talk about it not only to protect your personal, but also your marital health and well-being. Does it make sense?

Customer: replied 3 days ago.
Yes that does make sense thankyou. I do completely trust her and will stop checking her messages as it's definitely not healthy. I think I'll have a chat with her about it again. What I don't get is how long does this go on for. What if they're secretly texting each other for the next 10 years?? Should I ask them to stop? Or do I just relax and stop worrying about it.
The problem is you see is we got together as a result of an affair. I was married and she was in a long term relationship. we've been together 11years now and have two beautiful children. I suppose in the back of mind I think if she had an affair before she could do it again and with the pressure of work, financial difficulties, her dislike of work and where we live, I worry that she might just give up on us.

Thank you for sharing this key information. Your past around how you got together explains your overwhelming fears and anxiety about your present and future as a couple. But if you address this situation in the present in an assertive, honest, accountable and proactive way, then you will not have to endlessly speculate and fuel anxiety and destructive conflict about things.

 

This is why I strongly suggest you be fully open and honest with your wife, discuss how you feel, and what each of you needs and expects from each other, confirm what healthy boundaries look like for both of you, and make a clear agreement both will comply with.

 

 

Customer: replied 3 days ago.
Brilliant. I cant thankyou enough. It's been seriously driving me round the bend!!

You’re very welcome. I am glad to hear that. Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions since I am here willing and ready to support you as much as possible. Please remember to rate my service by using the star scale at the top of the screen.

 

You can contact me using this direct link to my profile https://www.justanswer.com/mental-health/expert-rafael-therapist/, you could bookmark it for easy access, and just make sure you state “For Rafael only” in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.

 

Also, know that I provide confidential counseling/psychotherapeutic support via Premium Services, which is implemented via Skype or phone call, in case you feel comfortable with me and would like to discuss this in more detail or any other concern, and the best approach to work on it.

 

Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care.

 

Rafael.

Rafael-E-Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5972
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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