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Rafael-E-Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 8192
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I need some advice. My friend, who has BPD, has been a close

Customer Question

Hi, i need some advice. My friend, who has BPD, has been a close friend who trusts me since she started working at my place 8/9 months ago. We instantly hit it off, we went out with each other for a few weeks soon after. We have remained good friends since, with me looking out for her and trying to support her. I care about her a lot, but last couple of weeks she talks much less to me than others and the texting which was every day is erratic and near gone now. Today she 'reacted' to a text I sent her on friday night, which she read half hour later....and has sporadically responded too.
Submitted: 7 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 7 months ago.

Hello, I'm Rafael, an integrative psychotherapist. I'm here to support you. I'm carefully reviewing your post, and I am sorry to see about your concern related to your friend and employee. Could you please specify what is your question about it?

Customer: replied 7 months ago.
It seems my friend, and colleague Tina is shutting me out while shes made other friends at work, and has started dating a new guy. I feel like I don't matter to her anymore, even though she says shes very comfortable around me, and hardly chats or texts me. Seems to have lost her fear of abandonment regarding myself. She also has been complaining last couple of weeks of feeling like a zombie in work, and worried about zoning out a lot. I worry this is her forgetting who I am..I guess my question is how do I deal with this, its hard on me and I don't know how to be with her in work, and whether I should just stop texting her at all.
Also whats that messenger react 2 days later about ? Seems attention seeking..
Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 7 months ago.

When a person shows interests for a short period of time and then changes her behavior, consistently showing the ack of it, while you have not changed your behavior at all, most times it shows that she indeed has changed her feelings or the behaviors she used in the beginning fo your work-related relationship/friendship/dating.

Now if we add to that that this person has BPD, then that could much easily explain the volatility of her feelings. Most people in your shoes could normally feel frustrated, and that's why you need to come to terms with the fact that unless a person spontaneously wants to work on knowing you better, and build a healthy and closer relationship, attaching to any higher expectations or pushing her would not help, but most times causes further pain and distress.

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 7 months ago.

I suggest you not push this person and to only maintain social/personal interaction/texting as much as you want to afford, adjusting your expectations to the interests she is currently presenting.

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 7 months ago.

Does it make sense?

Customer: replied 7 months ago.
It does, but why text me to then ignore me/not respond ? She is clearly doing such in spite of saying on Thursday she's not ignoring or anything just had a long week, it is frustrating, the behaviour gets to me. I was her favourite person, she brought that up once back in May/June, and again in August when she went through a bad period and a meltdown.
Customer: replied 7 months ago.
Its confusing because on Wednesday we went home on same bus, and when I said that phrase about dogs are for life, she turned round at me like a little girl upset asking me do i think she'd abandon a dog...haven't seen her like that in some time, but makes me think theres still an attachment there.
Customer: replied 7 months ago.
Also she has spoke of emotional vulnerability when she talks to me, candidly said this in October, that she can't look at me directly sometimes when talking to me, is this going to remain ?
Customer: replied 7 months ago.
All of this is starting taking its toll on me, and my happiness/mood around her not the same. Also as i have read up a lot on bpd for months, I worry about getting split black as its called and ptsd. How would I know if I'm developing ptsd ? What should i look out for ?
Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 7 months ago.

I am sorry to see you have been undergoing such a tough time because of this person's changing behavior. Please look for psychotherapeutic support to work on the emotional challenges you have been faced, apparently triggered by this person's behavior.

If you meant you believe you could develop PTSD from the interaction with this person, I can assure you that is impossible, since what you are describing here is psychological and emotional problems related to self-esteem, coping problem, emotional regulation, and other issues, but not to any form of traumatic even threatening your life integrity.

Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 7 months ago.

I wonder if you read my response, if it makes sense, and if it answered your question.

Customer: replied 7 months ago.
Okay, thanks. I had read that those close to pwbpd can develop PTSD. Thanks for the advice
Expert:  Rafael-E-Therapist replied 7 months ago.

You are welcome. Different forms of trauma could develop depending on the person's sensitivity, nervous system, personality, coping skills, maturity level, and many other factors, but what we consider PTSD is only associated to experiences where the person's life integrity or the life integrity of someone else is in danger, like for example domestic violence. sexual assault, a car accident, a terrorist attack, war, witnessing a murder, and similar scenarios.