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JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2171
Experience:  25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
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When i first met my husband i finished the relationship

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When i first met my husband i finished the relationship after a few months and went out with someone else for a short period of time. I realised my mistake and went on to have a relationship with my husband. That was 22 years ago. My husband was really hurt at the time as he said he was in love with me. We have now been together 22 years and my husband is really struggling to get over what happened in those first months of our relationship. It is destroying our relationship now and i don’t know what to do
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?
Customer: Yes it’s almost as if my husband is having some type of breakdown over this. He gets really angry and says the most awful things to me.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
My husband says he feels like he was my second choice, which really isn’t the case. He keeps asking lots of questions about my time with the other person but no matter my reply he isn’t happy
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I don’t know how to help him through this as he says its all in his head and he can’t stop it. He keeps thinking about me with the other person. He thinks all my froends know things and doesn’t want to speak to them either. He recently text a friend asking her about what she knew about what happened all that time ago. Could he have PTSD as this is really affecting him?
It would be difficult to call it PTSD. It is a form of anxiety. After 22 years, the problem is his though, not yours. you need to quit playing the villain, because you aren’t. That was 22 years ago. It is not your problem. He needs to let it go and you need to quit enabling him.
You need to sit him down and tell him if that is history and you do not want to talk about it any more. Then refused ttalk about it. He needs to get therapy and let it go.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He has said that in the first 15 years of our marriage that i didn’t want to be intimate with him enough and that i didn’t give him enough attention too. I didn’t mean to make him feel this way. I want to support him so that we can get back on track. He knows he should let it go but says he can’t. I don’t think he’ll go to counselling as he says that they will just tell him to get over it and if he could he would
They would help him process it. You don’t need to give him a choice. You cannot be responsible for his thoughts and actions. I’m telling you, the more you try to help him, the worse you make it. You need to give him no choice, but let it go or leave. Please bear with me. I am not wanting your marriage to end. I am just saying this is the one thing you haven’t tried and it is the only thing that might work. You don’t need to be meant to him. As a matter of fact you need to make it clear that you love him very much and that is why this hurts so much. But you do need to tell him you are finished defending yourself. From now on, when he mentions it, you are not responding. If he insists on rehashing it, you will leave the room. If that doesn’t end it, you will ask him to leave. He can come back when he is ready to apologize and move on. The fact is, you cannot make this your problem, because it isn’t. The only one who can fix it is him.
Other than PTSD, if I had him assessed for anything it would probably be OCD. It is another form of anxiety. He definitely has the obsessive thoughts, as that is what this is about. It is definitely worth him looking into. In the end though, he has to take the initiative.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I really don’t want to lose him as i love him very much
Excuse me as I give a metaphorical explanation of what I am trying to say. I have had the same neighbors for 12 years or so. During this time, both of us have had pet dogs. I tend to keep mine locked up for fear of losing them. My neighbor on the other hand often lets his run. It always comes back. Mine Is always trying to get away. I am convinced if I let my dog go on occasion it would be more likely to come back to me. I am saying that to say this, You going to have to risk losing him, if you are going to have him.
Do you understand what I am saying. At the current process, you are never going to haVe him. In order to gain him, you are going to have to risk losiNg him.
It is like being told your child has cancer and it will kill him if he doesn’t have surgery. The chances are 100% he will die wi th our the surgery. The chances are. 20% the surgery will kill him. You choose to not have the surgery because it’s too risky.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I understand but he gets himself so upset. You are right i am really worried about losing him. What type of counsellor would it be worth him seeing?
I would say individual counseling. This is not so much a marriage problem as it is his individual problem. If that didn’t work or at least help fairly quickly, I would recommend he talk to a psychiatrist about medication. He might be able to talk to his primary doctor about something g for his anxiety.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
We’re at a family members house and my husband has just yelled and screamed at me very aggressively in front of family members. He got so aggresive his family asked me to leave the room. Within minutes he came to find me extremely upset and apologised repeatedly. I am so upset and don’t know what to do

I answered this on the other thread.