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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1879
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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My wife no longer trusts me and is very disappointed with

Customer Question

My wife no longer trusts me and is very disappointed with me
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.
Customer: I was asked by my mum to send money to my sister to pay for her groceries She’s self isolating with my stepfather, the are very vulnerable
JA: Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?
Customer: I didn’t tell my wife , she found out & is furious
Submitted: 9 days ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 9 days ago.

Hello an how are you today? I can help you on your question. Automatically you want to help your mum out by sending money to your sister. That's your family and you want to help them. Your sister is having trouble with money and that happens. You look at the situation as you were helping family and you without even thinking thought that's your family and they need your help. But Your wife is your family as well. If you step back for a moment and take a look at the big picture. Your wife just wanted to be informed that you send your sister money. If you and your wife each share financial responsibilities then you should tell her. You always want open communication in a marriage. You want to apologize and tell her it was your natural instinct to help your family. Next time explain you will tell her. You should of sat your wife down and said. My sister is struggling to get food on the table. I would like to send her a little money. Wether your wife says no or yes she still needs to be told. Then you can make that decision what you want to do. You want to include your wife in family things. That's important. Your wife needs to be included. If she is included then she will regain trust back. Now if your wife feels you shouldn't send money at all, then that a different conversation. But this is where you need to explain to our wife that you feel you need to help her. Family is extremely important and when you get married these parts of your life need to merge together. Your wife felt excluded in your decision. This is about her coming first in your decisions and her being a apart of your family. Your wife might have been able to talk with your sister and help her through a difficult time. You always want to discuss things with your wife. She will regain trust back if she is included.

Customer: replied 9 days ago.
It was my aged mother who needs help, my sister buys the food for her but being housebound she got me to send her money to my sister via me, my wife says I’m only sorry I was caught.
Customer: replied 9 days ago.
I can’t call right now
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 9 days ago.

Did you explain to your wife why you sent the money? Your mom needs help and of course you are going to help her. Specially since she is housebound. I also want to know why you didn't tell your wife. Do you feel like she would have said no?

Customer: replied 9 days ago.
I thought she might say no and as I already agreed to help it would put me in an impossible position,
Customer: replied 9 days ago.
She thinks mum is ‘using me’
Customer: replied 9 days ago.
Mum is 76 , my stepfather is 78 both have health problems & are vulnerable to covid19
Customer: replied 9 days ago.
She objected to me shopping for mum at short notice, she believes I should do it when we shop ourselves
Customer: replied 9 days ago.
Does this clarify the situation? What should I do?
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 9 days ago.

I have a question. What if you sent food instead of money, would your wife agree to doing that? Is it about money or just helping your mum. Your mum is 76 so that is very difficult to go out shopping right now.

Customer: replied 9 days ago.
I think she might object to that to, she thinks they are overreacting to the danger, she said I should just send all the money to my sister, I’m trying to set up a separate account ( having problems there) with just mum’s money in it so that the money isn’t mixed, mums & ours
Customer: replied 9 days ago.
I’m not a bad person I just cannot cope sometimes
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 9 days ago.

I do not believe they are over reacting to danger. They are 76 and 78, it is safer for them to stay at home right now. Your probably should tell your wife you are going to put a little money aside each month of week for your mom to get food.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 9 days ago.

Your not a bad person at all. I don't want you to ever think that about yourself. You trying to help your mom that is important too you. You have to explain this better to your wife. You have to explain it so your wife understands it. You because you are a good person you are concerned about your mum. You want to help her. If you didn't help her you would feel bad. If your wife did agree I understand why you did;t tell her because you figured she would say no.