Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counsellor for Answers ASAP
Hi, I hope I can offer some help with your question.
How long are you planning on leaving the family home? How old are your children?
While often some space away from your current situation helps to gain some perspective, and return refreshed and with a clearer head, usually in recovering from, or coming to terms with childhood issues the work that needs to be done is on the inside rather than on the outside.
Have you done or are you planning to do any work on the inside?
We don't have to have a call.
I wonder how leaving your home, and your responsibilities as a parent, will necessary make you a stronger person? Being a Mum is about a lot more than driving them to activities. Will they have access to you at other times also? This is a vital developmental time for them. Have you considered whether this is about escaping, even running away?
Did you feel that the counselling was helping?
Have you considered whether there is a pattern here in terms of your childhood experiences, your relationship with your first child, your desire to leave now?
So, you are leaving your husband? and leaving your children with him? Your children may learn from this that the way to deal with a situation is to walk away and leave others you love and are responsible for behind?Perhaps the real issue here is your relationship with your husband? Does your husband know this is about him? There is a big difference in leaving to discover yourself, and leaving your husband and family.
It sounds as though you are not being entirely honest with yourself. Running away never makes us stronger, and certainly doesn't make us appear stronger to others, particularly our children. It sounds as though you are giving yourself only two choices here, and neither are particularly helpful or productive. You may have lost your way with your husband, but that is as much your responsibility as it is his. It sounds a bit like you want to blame him, rather than take responsibility for your part. You want to say he didn't support you in counselling, so you quit. He didn't think it was working , so you quit, as if it is his responsibility, his word decides your fate. This is not true. You quit counselling, because you decided that if he thought it wasn't working, that was enough. It sounds like you need to take back control of your life, and do this from within your life. You have responsibilities, and you have power. You are the only one who can take this back. Running away from your responsibilities in the hope that they will get sorted while you are away is not mature.
When we become a parent, we learn to put the needs of our children over our own. Discovering how to do this effectively is part of discovering ourselves, in the new identity we create when we become a parent. This is our responsibility until they are adults. We do not become a better parent by putting our own needs first, unless it is in the interests of our children.
The pattern here is others leaving you, or you leaving others, so taking control of when you leave or are left is possibly a protective strategy.
In what way does your husband control your thoughts and actions. Is he abusive? Or have you allowed him to have more say in your life because you have been unsure yourself? No one can control our thoughts, unless we give them the power to do so.
Your 14 year old says that they completely understand what you are doing. Have you told them that you are leaving their father because you feel he is overly controlling? Of your parenting? Does that mean he is overly controlling of them? Could this be interpreted that it is ok for them to be controlled and influenced by him, but it is not ok for you?
It is possible to reproduce the very patterns we are trying to avoid that we experienced from our own parents, if issues from the past are not fully addressed, understood and resolved. While your intention here is trying to do the right thing, or the best thing, it sounds as though your only experience of this is actually in witnessing and experiencing the opposite. I think you would benefit form more help to resolve some of the patterns and hurts from the past, that are influencing the choices you believe you have now, and the ways you are interpreting the situation, and the opportunities you have to make things better.
You are in control of your life now. You don't have to run away, and no one need be taken away from you or leave you. These are not the only choices available to you. There are many more productive and effective choices. You have a family who loves you., and you have done your best with the circumstances given you, but it sounds as though you are still responding as if you don't have any say or any control.
It sounds as though you need to learn to feel safe to voice your feelings assertively, not timidly, and not with massive action. Just to learn that you have a right to voice your own opinion, right or wrong, as does your husband.
You can choose to take it to heart when he mocks you. You can also choose to just ignore him and shrug it off. You can choose to be yourself, whether he is in the room or not. It is your choice.
I think everyone in your life now also wants you to be you. You are the one now that is losing yourself to others. You can take yourself back. There are some very powerful beliefs that you will have held since a child, to help you survive, that it is now safe to let go of.
Have a look at "Will i Ever be good enough - healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers" by Dr Karyl McBride. I think you will find it helpful in your self discovery. You need to learn that you are good enough and worthy, and assert that in your life, rather than feeling overwhelmed and wanting to run away. This is just a throw back to another time in your life.
Also the website www.willieverbegoodenough.com
All of this is very understandable and a familiar response when your experiences have been invalidated, and you have learned to cope and survive by not telling your truth. The way forward for you however may be to gain validation from yourself. While you think this will explain everything, in reality others will only see what they want to see, or the surface of the moment. This will not expose the things done or said to you. It simply won't, and as you know, exposing them in the wrong way or to the wrong people may cause you more harm at the moment. There is a lot of support out there however from others in a similar situation, and traumatised. I think the book I have suggested, although it will be a difficult read for you, will also help you to see your own power and ability to survive enormously. You will start to see why you do and say and feel the things you do, and begin to learn that, now, you do have a choice, and a more effective one. You can look at what you have built, a marriage, a home, a family, and begin to feel worthy to keep it and make it better, rather than self sabotage it. You can begin to heal.
Keep well and safe.
I'm glad I could help. We can only do the best we can with the knowledge and resources we have at the time. The more insight you can gain the better you will notice where you may have learned or developed unhealthy coping strategies and you can begin to address them for the better.