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Rafael-E-Therapist
Rafael-E-Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 8849
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I’m looking to get some relationship advice, ok great. So

This answer was rated:

Hi.. I’m looking to get some relationship advice
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.
Customer: ok great. So I’ve been in a on and off relationship with a guy for almost four years. It’s not official and very casual physical relationship
JA: Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?
Customer: Recently for the past months it’s been lovely between us. Just more relaxed and we are enjoying ourselves seeing each other quite frequently. He then wanted to see me again but had too much at work and didn’t make it. Then ever since I’ve been trying to meet up with him feeling like I’m the only one making the effort to

Hello, I'm Rafael, an integrative psychotherapist. I'm here to support you. I'm reviewing your post now and I am sorry to know about your distressful situation.

I can see you feel frustrated since apparently you felt motivated about sharing more often with this person in the past months, and then distressed when you saw his radical shift after you were not able to see him as he wanted, right?

Customer: replied 7 days ago.
that’s correct
Customer: replied 7 days ago.
Sorry I prefer to speak here if that’s ok

Please know that the website could send automatic messages requesting you to accept phone calls, offering premium services. Please disregard them if you feel comfortable using this interface. These are automatic messages from the website, and they are not sent by me. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Thank you for confirming this is your situation. WHat's your question about it?

Customer: replied 7 days ago.
No problem. Thanks or letting me know :)

You're welcome.

Customer: replied 7 days ago.
Well I’m not sure how to go about the situation anymore. He told me he has had a lot on his plate and that it wasn’t a big deal etc... but I obviously feel somehow rejected by him and didn’t really like the way he went about it... he dosent see a problem with it cause he knows that he dosent see a future in us. Which is something I already know...He knows it’s not fair on me...
Customer: replied 7 days ago.
I’m just not really sure what to do as I feel like it’s just on his terms and he dosent/ can’t offer anything else. I want him to be respectful and fair... I think I also feel like am I overreacting?

My suggestion is for you to approach it being congruent with what you want and expect from this person. If you are satisfied and comfortable with the sexual relationship you have, adjusting yourself to his expectations, then no problem. But if that's not the way you feel and want you to want to afford for now and the long run, then you'd need to consider ending it.

You just said you want him to be respectful and fair. These are reasonable needs and expectations we all should have and ensure in our relationships. But you also have the right and freedom to please and enable anything you want. Either way, you will always afford the consequences of your decisions and actions. This is why I always suggest people start by respecting themselves, setting healthy and clear boundaries, taking full responsibility for their feelings, choices, actions, and their consequences. This approach empowers you and ensures you get what you choose to get.

Customer: replied 7 days ago.
I understand.. I feel that as you said that I want it to be fair and respectful which I consider as well to be reasonable in any relationship. We had such a nice time and it has been really nice for long period of time up until now. When I’ve reached out to meet he has been really busy and not able to meet up and I’m trying to be understanding of that and I am at times but I would like him to tell me and communicate with me. I don’t know how to explain it...

Your relationship has always been a physical/sexual one. The fact he could be nicer some times and want to see you more often does not change the fact he does not consider you a girlfriend or anything but a sexual partner, and that he feels comfortable telling seeing you when he feels like that. This has not been about him respecting you or taking into account your feelings, or needs but sharing with you as much as he wants and needs, regardless of how you feel about that.

Customer: replied 7 days ago.
I see. Thank you for clarifying it. I think you mean to tell me to stick by my boundaries. I think it’s the healthy thing to do. I think what you mean this isn’t about respecting but that he wants it on his terms only? As I meet me as when he needs and wants to without considering how I feel about it? Sorry I know it’s confusing
Customer: replied 7 days ago.
Also is that a bad thing that he feels comfortable telling me?

You understood it well. This is not reciprocal. He is satisfied with the way things have been between you, and he does not take into account how you feel, need, and want, but as long as you keep tolerating his ways disregarding what you need and expect, he will continue feeling comfortable and even entitled to keep things the way they have been.

To be honest is always a good and necessary thing, but when people feel comfortable being honest and insensitive, selfish, or hurtful those other behaviors are never a good thing.

Customer: replied 7 days ago.
I agree... I agree he does feel entitled.. infact he tells me that I keep allowing it and that he has always been honest with me from the beginning But I feel like yes just because he is honest about not seeing a future with me doesn’t mean that I want to see him only for his needs and when he wants
Customer: replied 7 days ago.
I don’t know if that makes sense

It makes total sense, and that's why I always suggest people in your shoes to only tolerate an enable more of the same if you truly feel that's what you need and want, otherwise not to perpetuate such a pattern, which most times is very destructive.

Customer: replied 7 days ago.
I understand however I feel like I have gone into it not knowing how I felt about it and then it has been nice between us and he has been considerate of me and wanting to see me etc and I guess whenever things like this happen I have been speaking up about it and now I think it’s the same that I’m reacting to it and I should listen to that :)

Learn from your experiences, so you can improve your ways and only afford what you want to afford.

Customer: replied 7 days ago.
Very true. Thank you so much for your help :)

You’re very welcome. Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions since I am here willing and ready to support you as much as possible. Please remember to rate my service by using the star scale at the top of the screen.

You can contact me using this direct link to my profile https://www.justanswer.com/mental-health/expert-rafael-therapist/, you could bookmark it for easy access, and just make sure you state “For Rafael only” in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.

Also, know that I provide confidential psychotherapy via Premium Services, which is implemented via phone call, audio, chat, or video online, in case you feel comfortable with me and would like to discuss this in more detail or any other concern, and the best approach to work on it.

Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care,

Rafael

Rafael-E-Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 7 days ago.
No worries. Thank you again for being super helpful :)

You're very welcome.