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Tori, Psychologist
Tori, Psychologist, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 203
Experience:  Work/Coaching Psychologist & Therapist
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My husbands 17 year old son from his previous relationship

Customer Question

Hi, my husbands 17 year old son from his previous relationship who he hasn’t seen for 16 years has recently been in touch with him. We’ve been together for 11 years and I knew about his son. I encouraged him to try and get contact but that didn’t go well. His ex had an injunction taken out and he was arrested. They had a very bad break up. The sin got in touch when I was pregnant and suffering from a very bad pregnancy. I was led to believe that she had tried to endanger his life in the past. This caused severe anxiety during the pregnancy and my husband ignored all of my concerns telling me that it was not about me. His son is a troubled teenager getting mixed up in the wrong things. I have concerns about the son’s motives since him and his family know that my husband was doing well. I have no issues with my husband building a relationship with his son but since he has he has made it quite clear that I wouldn’t have a say in anything. For example if he felt that his son should come and live with him. I’m not ok with that and didn’t think that he was the kind of person that would make decisions like that without asking me. I’ve supported my husband financially for years and helped him set up his business. I bought our house that we live in. Things only changed when I got pregnant and couldn’t work any more due to the hyperemesis and spd. I don’t think he was supportive during the pregnancy and was more focused on what he was going through. Out daughter is 6 months and he’s a good father to her. However his priorities are split across 2 children and mine are not. I don’t want someone like that (his son) living in our house and around my daughter. This might not happen but the fact that he has told me that he wouldn’t even ask me because it’s not all about me is what I can’t believe. I can’t understand how he could make decisions that affect my life without even thinking that he needs to consult me. It’s not a typical situation of a husband having another child because there is a lot of history and he was never in his life. I only thought he wanted contact with his son and wanted to build a relationship not have him live with us.
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else the Psychologist should be aware of?
Customer: It’s a complex issue but the summary above is ok
Submitted: 13 days ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Tori, Psychologist replied 13 days ago.

Hi, I hope I can offer some help with your question.

Having read over your information, this does seem like a complicated issue, and while your husband is right in that it isn't all about you, it is very much about what is right for your daughter, and whether having a troubled 17 year old boy living with you at the moment, given that he and his Dad haven't seen each other for some 16 years, is something to be addressed openly. It is understandable that your husband may want to make up for lost time, but it doesn't seem inappropriate that he should do so in such a way that takes into consideration the needs and wellbeing of his now wife, and new baby, as well as that of his son.