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Tori, Psychologist
Tori, Psychologist, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 203
Experience:  Work/Coaching Psychologist & Therapist
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Can you help with relationship problems? I need help bit

Customer Question

Can you help with relationship problems ? I need help I’m A bit down
Submitted: 11 days ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Tori, Psychologist replied 11 days ago.

Hi, I hope I can help with your question.

What problems are you having?

What is causing you to feel down at the moment?

Expert:  Tori, Psychologist replied 11 days ago.

When we feel down, regardless of the circumstances or situation, it can be helpful to release the feelings to allow us to cope with the situation better, and respond better to it. A therapy which is helpful for this is an energy therapy called Thought field Therapy. This meridian therapy uses the meridian system of acupuncture, to release negative feelings from Your body. You can try it at home with the sheet i have attached.

It helps to rate your feelings of distress or discomfort on a scale from 1 to 10 before and after to note any shift in your feelings or experience.

Customer: replied 11 days ago.
Hi thank you for responding, so me and my boyfriend had a little argument yesterday because I’ve told him about not thinking he will take our relationship seriously down the long run as he hasn’t proposed to me and we’ve been together for 3 years and 6 months we both christian both his parents are very religious I was cornered because yesterday I’ve had a conversation with my mom and she said she’s disappointed that he hasn’t proposed to me yet. so hearing this from my mom or people in general it makes me sad that my boyfriend doesn’t love me. My mom is very religious too and so am I trying to move closer to god
Expert:  Tori, Psychologist replied 11 days ago.

Many relationships can be placed under pressure from others, particularly if they choose to voice their opinions, expectations or beliefs about the relationship from their perspective. This can be unhelpful, and cause those being 'judged' to feel as though they, or their relationship is falling short in some way. The truth is that the only opinions that are important are yours and your partners, and what happens between you, or how you show your love to each other is a very private thing between you. Whether he has proposed or not does not equate with how much he loves you. Many people propose, and get married who may not love each other that much, but may do so to please others, or fulfil the expectations of others. Other people never get married at all, and have long happy relationships.

How did your partner respond when you talked with him about this?

Expert:  Tori, Psychologist replied 11 days ago.

Corinthians 13: 4-7

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Customer: replied 11 days ago.
Hi, sorry for getting back to you late I was busy picking my daughter from school.
Customer: replied 11 days ago.
I agree with some words you said, and when I discussed that with my boyfriend yesterday his response where “ you’ve been feeling this way?” Why didn’t you tell me when I come down to yours ? You don’t trust me ? that’s what he said. When I said I feel like you don’t see me in your future and you might one day you might say you don’t want to be with me? Then he said “ you don’t trust me “ I said yeah I do but sometimes it’s the things you say when you say one day you want to get married next you don’t. Like you confused because he mentioned that. So I want to make sure We are on the same page instead wasting each other’s time but he said he isn’t here to waste time and he doesn’t feel like he’s wasting my time he also starting talking to me rude stating why am I acting like it’s the end of the world ? I’m still young I can still find someone else and that just made me break down not cry but I was very disappointed emotional felt like he didn’t love me for stating that he also said I’m the rush I want things to go my way but it can’t etc
Expert:  Tori, Psychologist replied 11 days ago.

I think what he is saying is that it feels that you don't trust that he is committed to you, because he isn't making that particular commitment, even when he feels he is committed to you.

Perhaps if you can think about what would be different if he proposed, what would getting married do for you, for your relationship, for your daughter, and for the relationship that isn't happening now? Then if you could put it to him in those words, trying to explain why you would like him to show you that he is committed to you for the long term? Is this about security for you? or meeting external expectations for others? Does it feel to you like the end of the world if he doesn't show that that is what he wants?

It sounds as though when you discuss this issue, because of the emotions it creates in you both, rather than share your feelings and listen respectfully ***** ***** others perspective, it turns into an argument, because you both maybe push back a bit. It doesn't sound like he doesn't want to get married, just not yet. But that you do, but partly because of the external pressure from others, and perhaps this is what he is responding to, maybe he wants to do it when it's right for you as a couple, rather than to meet the expectations of others.

Customer: replied 11 days ago.
Wow amazing that makes sense you are right with everything you said can you help me how can i express myself better with him and in words please So it’s definitely not wrong the way he reached it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me ? because I was confused when he acted that way yesterday but I understand . That’s why I’m working on how to express myself because men are different to us women ( thinking wise )
Expert:  Tori, Psychologist replied 11 days ago.

Men and women do think differently. Have a look at the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".

This article https://www.theemotionmachine.com/how-to-communicate-your-feelings-without-becoming-an-emotional-manipulator/ shows how to communicate your feelings without it coming over as though you are trying to coerce or manipulate him to give you what you want, so that he doesn't then try to protect himself by resisting the coercion - pushing back.

Customer: replied 11 days ago.
Thank you so much for sharing this I really appreciate it
Expert:  Tori, Psychologist replied 10 days ago.

You're welcome. Keep well and safe.

Customer: replied 10 days ago.
Thank you can you help me with something else my boyfriend share something else with me regarding my daughters father I just need help where to go from here. He told me lot things today which been on his mind all this while I didn’t know I asked him to please communicate he did now he told me the reason why he hasn’t proposed to me yet. Which is to do with baby dad drama
Expert:  Tori, Psychologist replied 10 days ago.

.