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Rafael-E-Therapist
Rafael-E-Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 8959
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I was seeing a guy for 18 months .. who in the beginning

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I was seeing a guy for 18 months .. who in the beginning declared his interest in non exclusivity ... he had a history of afairs with other partners and he knew that he had his limits. He messaged me excessively all through the day and evenings and we saw each other at weekends. He never saw anybody else whilst we were 'dating' but also refused to give us a label of a 'relationship' saying he did not want anything big or structured. He was Italian and decided to go home to look after his mother and I finished the relationship because I wanted commitment and a future and he did not. I also wanted an exclusive relationship which he also did not want. 2 months later he sent me roses and we started talking again .. i fell back into the trap of loving him and then he declares that he has no new things to tell me, that he could not commit to love me because he had been hurt in the past and that he cannot guarantee that he will not want to see someone else at some point. I finished the relationship because I did not want the threat of that 'somebody else' hanging over me every day and that had now become an extremely jealous person because of this. He also chatted to other women on dating sites constantly and to my knowledge he is still doing this. He tells me this so it is a fact. He also likes to tell me when he has met with exes for coffee. He is now in italy and his idea is that we see how things go and try and make a go of it.. but 'it' still has no definition ..
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?
Customer: He has a way of turning thngs around to make me out to be unreasonable. He talks about other women including the exes that he loved constantly ... but says that he cannot to commot to love with me. I don't know what to do again.

Hello, I'm Rafael, an integrative psychotherapist. I'm here to support you. I'm reviewing your post now and I am sorry to know about your distressful situation.

Customer: replied 24 hours ago.
He is also hiding behind his ill mother saying that he can't possibly think about 'us' at this time and we just need to go with the flow for now. Am I being unreasonable? I really don't know he has a way of making me doubt everything.

Your story seems to show very clear issues, mostly about you having the need and expectation for an exclusive and committed relationship, and this person wanting the opposite, but still expect you to stay around him, what you seem to have tolerated and enabled since you always got back to him, regardless of his consistently keeping his same approach. Then he has been consistent and effective in persuading you into this informal non-exclusive relationship, and while you have ended it, you have also come back to allow/enabled it.

No, his excuse would not be valid since these are two different things, there is no incompatibility between taking care of a parent and working on building a committed and healthy relationship. What happens here is that this person has never wanted that and has consistently told you this, but you still have continued hoping for something to happen, and I do not see how such dramatic change could happen at all, since all of this person's words and behaviors clearly show he only wants to keep you around the same way he does with other women, and does not want any form of responsibility or commitment with you.

Customer: replied 23 hours ago.
He says that it doesn't matter who he sleeps with it will not change the way he feels about me. He will never find anyone like me in his life again and he wouldn't even bother looking.
Customer: replied 23 hours ago.
I understand that I am enabling this relationship but he also dangles hope in front of me too. saying that he might change.
Customer: replied 23 hours ago.
Whenever I try to discuss anything he straight away accuses me of abandoning him so I find myself promising to stay because he 'needs me'

In my opinion, these person's words an explanation does not make any sense but are excuses to justify his selfish, even narcissistic approach enabling him to use women as objects and not as individual human beings. He shows very poor insight, judgment, and maturity in his ways of approaching it, and you seem to have significant codependency tolerating and enabling him.

Customer: replied 22 hours ago.
I am a very strong woman usually but he has definitely gotten to me. I feel this is as unhealthier a situation as the first time round ... I’ve been a bit stupid I think

You have been codependent and manipulated by this unhealthy/narcissistic person because of your infatuation. Please do not torment or devalue yourself, this is a very common problem, necessary for you to know yourself better, work on yourself, vulnerabilities and strengths, so to make sure you do not find yourself in this or similar situations over again.

Customer: replied 22 hours ago.
Thank you .. you’ve been very helpful and given me a lot to think about and go on

You’re very welcome. Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions since I am here willing and ready to support you as much as possible. Please remember to rate my service by using the star scale at the top of the screen.

You can contact me using this direct link to my profile https://www.justanswer.com/mental-health/expert-rafael-therapist/, you could bookmark it for easy access, and just make sure you state “For Rafael only” in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.

Also, know that I provide confidential psychotherapy via Premium Services, which is implemented via phone call, audio, chat, or video online, in case you feel comfortable with me and would like to discuss this in more detail or any other concern, and the best approach to work on it.

Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care,

Rafael

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