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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7084
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Very complicated story but my ex and I have been on and off

Customer Question

Hello, very complicated story but my ex and I have been on and off for 5 years. There was a 6 month period that we weren’t together and in that time, I was around 6 other people. When we got back together, he found out about one of these people and handled it so badly that he used it against me every single argument we had as he found out rather than tell him. I never found it within me to tell him about the others as I was worried what his opinion of me would change. Two days ago (we have now been split up since November 2020) but we’ve always loved each other and talked on and off since, anyway, a couple of days ago he found out about another one of these men from 2019 and I admitted to him and another but couldn’t find it within me to admit the other 4. When I told him he called me a lot of nasty names and blocked me completely but has been emailing me questioning me. I am just unsure what to do and whether to be honest or if it’s any of his business and whether we would ever recover.
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else the Psychologist should be aware of?
Customer: There is a lot more to the story but that is the very condensed version
Submitted: 12 days ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 12 days ago.
He also slept with another person on a holiday when we weren’t together in 2019 that he admitted after finding about the first person
Customer: replied 12 days ago.
There is a lot to the story but that is the bare bones
Expert:  psychlady replied 12 days ago.

It sounds like this situation has become very complicated. You have chance to be honest but it comes with its own risk. You may keep these secrets but there is always a chance he will find out about the others and the relationship will then be over. If he found out about one he could find out and this will make you look dishonest. I believe that it is more helpful to tell him because you were not together. He may still be angry but you can build your case that you were not together. Now you run the chance that he could find out and be even angrier.

If you are worried about his perception of you it doesn't seem fair that he can hold your behavior against you when you were single. If he is that easily angered than maybe the damage has been done. However your seeing other people should not be such a change in how he sees you. If you feel that he won't accept your choices that seems very unfair. I know I am putting the decision back on you but this one is up to you. It does seem crazy that he can blame you for having dated when you are not a couple at that time

Customer: replied 11 days ago.
It is indeed complicated. I am so sorry for such a complicated story. Exactly, of course I feel guilty, I am such a senstive person and the only reason I never admitted it was due to his previous reaction (therefore to protect his feelings) and also I felt as if what I did when I was single shouldn't be anybody's business but mine. When he found out a few days ago he really did say some awful things to me. It is so hard to know what to do. I feel today that our relationship was over 6 months ago and not because of this, even if this was solved that he never gave me the love I needed and I am clinging on as it's been all I have known for 5 years and selfishly I feel like he will move on and replace me, not that is something i can control, but it worries me
Customer: replied 11 days ago.
I have always had a good relationship with his family and today came home to a huge bunch of flowers from his Mum and Dad, I'm not sure what that means, but my ex won't talk to me.
Expert:  psychlady replied 11 days ago.

Your primary concern is him and his ability to have a health relationship over his family. His family is secondary. He has to respect you too. I would wonder why his family treats you better than he does. Be back later

Customer: replied 11 days ago.
exactly. He is a huge Mummy's boy and has been spoilt by her his whole life so I am surprised, I imagine that he would have told them what has happened so I'm not sure if its their way of saying that they are there for me in a way, its bizarre. He is clearly still angry at the moment, so not surprised I haven't heard from him, but no he never treated me overly well at all. I am just finding it very hard to let go even though it is probably the right thing to do. No problem, thank you for your help so far.
Expert:  psychlady replied 11 days ago.

You are welcome. Trust your instincts and go with your gut. I think you have great insight and that will be a positive in the near future