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Tori, Psychologist
Tori, Psychologist, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 313
Experience:  Work/Coaching Psychologist & Therapist
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I need help, I’m trying to move on but my ex keeps

Customer Question

I need help
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.
Customer: I’m trying to move on but my ex keeps contacting me with mixed signals and I have feelings for her
JA: Is there anything else the Psychologist should know before I connect you? Rest assured that they'll be able to help you.
Customer: She wants to be friends but I don’t want to. I want to be back together. Every time I cut contact she keeps coming back with these bipolar symptoms
Submitted: 13 days ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 13 days ago.
When will I get an reply
Customer: replied 13 days ago.
Me and this girl been together for a while and we’ve been meeting up almost everyday and FaceTiming everyday. When she started her studies I became clingy and controlling. She didn’t like it and I pushed her away. I apologised and said I’m working on it. She said that she’s done with me and just wants to be friends. Since then she’s been giving me mixed signals and telling me we are nothing but friends. But when we met we still held hands and the time was still great no awkward moments. I realised im making a mistake and giving her attention and spoiling her. She wants nothing to do with me other than just friends but I want more. So I cut her off and ignored her calls and texts. She messages me last Saturday that she misses me. I ignored it too. Then we met this Tuesday. I confronted her stop playing with my head and be straight up. She said that she doesn’t want to talk about it and she just wants to be friends. There I said to her okay we are either together or not. I told her I can’t be friends. She said she lost feelings etc. Last night she’s texting me that she’s not okay the fact that we are not speaking. I called her saying stop giving me mixed signals what do you want. She said nothing it doesn’t matter anymore. I just wanted to be friends but you don’t want that. I said yeah I can’t be friends it’s too toxic. So since I don’t know what to do. I’m not gonna contact her so I can try to move on. But I miss her so much I want her to be mine. But she keeps coming back playing with my head.
Expert:  Tori, Psychologist replied 13 days ago.

Hi, I hope I can offer some help with your question.

From your description, you are very clear on what is and isn't right for you, and you have been clear at explaining this. If you know that you do not want to be friends, and you get the feeling that her behaviours and words are inconsistent, and throwing you off balance in a way that holds you to her and doesn't allow you to move on, then it sounds like you are doing the right thing in creating strong and firm boundaries of what is and isn't appropriate or acceptable for you at this time. Once you have set these boundaries it is important that you too avoid giving mixed signals, such as going out with her, or holding hands with her, when she has said itr is as friends. If you have decided that in order to move on you would prefer to have no contact, and that you don't want to be friends with her, then it is important that as well as relaying this message, that you then ensure your behaviours are consistent with this.

Expert:  Tori, Psychologist replied 13 days ago.

I do hope that helps to provide a clearer perspective on your situation and helps you to ebgin the difficult process of moving on in a way that is healthy for you. Do let me know if I can offer any further help with your question.

Customer: replied 13 days ago.
Look I miss her a lot. Right now I am going through the hardship and it’s very natural and I am aware of it. However I want to win her back. I want to get her back and that’s why I’m putting this distance this boundaries. But it’s not easy because she has completely lost feelings and she’s no longer emotionally invested to this. But all this mixed signals is making me feel sad and confused
Expert:  Tori, Psychologist replied 13 days ago.

So you hope that by creating a distance, and being less available to her, this will prompt her to want to see you more.

Customer: replied 12 days ago.
I don’t know she still calls me but not as much. She messages me that things doesn’t feel right but doesn’t have feelings for me. She wants to be friends but I don’t. So how do I fix this? I’m trying to distance my self and let things play out but I don’t know for how long
Expert:  Tori, Psychologist replied 12 days ago.

In the same way that you don't want her to give you mixed messages, it will not help if you give her mixed messages. You don't want to be friends, but you are holding out for her to change her mind and feel differently, while telling her that you don't want to be friends so that you can move on.

You aren't distancing yourself to move on though, you are distancing yourself until you decide to make a move which reflects your true feelings. In the meantime she is to think you have moved on, not contact you, on your terms and request, and then when you are ready you will contact her.