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Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1232
Experience:  Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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My wife is working on herself to emotionally detach from me

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My wife is working on herself to emotionally detach from me what can I do to make her feel more secure 32 yrs married
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.
Customer: She asked for a separation 6 months ago and told me she does not love me. Admittingly I am a hard worker and didn't realize I was not showing her enough attention
JA: This sounds like a can of worms I'm glad not to have to open. The Psychologist will do a great job for you. Is there anything else the Psychologist should know before I connect you? Rest assured that they'll be able to help you.
Customer: She's say s I can't give her the love she needs and has a fear that if she gives it another chance she will go through the same heartache again so she does not trust me with her feelings.
Customer: replied 9 days ago.
She is unsure whether she wants to give it another go
Hello,

I've been working hard to find a Professional to assist you with your question, but sometimes finding the right Professional can take a little longer than expected.

I wonder whether you're ok with continuing to wait for an answer. If you are, please let me know and I will continue my search. If not, feel free to let me know and I will cancel this question for you.

Thank you!
Customer: replied 8 days ago.
I can wait thankyou

Welcome to my couples workshop, where people 18-80 of diverse cultures & orientations have come to explore their questions and find a path of heart.

Your wife's experience is quite normal for women in modern America. Because the upbringing of modern American men was designed to prune back their emotions so they could fight in the struggle for wealth, success and power. But that is no longer what most men need to be doing. We need to be developing the emotional competence to meet our wives on the emotional plane, so they will discover that our feelings are much like theirs and that we can feel for them what they (used to) feel for us: 1. SHAME when we've hurt their feelings or failed to notice what they're feeling at all--so we'll want to confess our mistakes and makes amends; 2. DISTRESS&SORROW when we're aware that they're trying to leave us behind forever (much like what they've felt about us when we were absent SO MANY of the times that they wanted us to be close and attentive and empathetic to them and the children; FEAR for their safety and fear of being alone and useless to the people we thought we were taking care of; SURPRISED that what they feel, want and need is so many things on so many occasions that we've never been able to notice, because we don't have the four mentioned types of feelings in sharp awareness (because we never got to develop those sensitivities after older men and other boys scared them out of us); and JOY in communion with our wives and children that we could have felt strongly enough to let it show and shower those we love with that love--for JOY is the most obvious manifestation of love along with EXCITEMENT for what our loved ones are doing or showing around us.

If you want to understand what I've written her better, read my writings at the LoveandPowerInstitute.org on Shame, Joy, and Toxic Masculinity. And if you're serious about learning to be more fully human in your emotional capacities (like most women are, even though they're imperfect too), you can try to get into one of my Men's groups or (eventually) take an emotional skills online zoom class my partner and I are developing.

All 5 of these vulnerable emotions above make significant contributions  to the emotional generation of Love, which is what your wife needs to feel coming from you. The first 3 of these are very hard for men, esp since is SO taboo; but surprise (the basis of amazement & wonder) and joy are also dampened by men, and they are both greatly enhanced when we feel Shame, Distress and/or Fear and both express and act to improve our lives to relieve them.

Many other therapists may be able to help you with developing your humanity further than most American men except some of the youngest, or those that were raised by single mothers and not subjected to the emotional strait jacket that the aggressive American culture has placed into male upbringing.

Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1232
Experience: Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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