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Rafael-E-Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10290
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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What if religion is ruining your life? But u can't leave it

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What if religion is ruining your life? But u can't leave it due to family and how you've been wired?

Hello, I'm Rafael, an integrative psychotherapist. I'm here to answer your public question. I'm reviewing your post now and I am sorry to know about your distressful and frustrating situation. Please give me a few minutes to answer your question. ("Answers are general information only, not advice").

Customer: replied 14 days ago.
Its not allowing me to marry who I esp as I was born/live in a country which is different and those are the men I usually met. I don't usually get on with or like the small % men of my religion. So this is keeping me single. My family had never accepted me to marry another religion (someone not Muslim) as the religion doesn't allow that for women
Customer: replied 14 days ago.
They also know no one to suggest for me and are busy with own marraige and kids.
Customer: replied 14 days ago.
I can't have kids as a single person using sperm donar as that's highlighlt against Islam too.
Customer: replied 14 days ago.
I'm now 41
Customer: replied 14 days ago.
I'm told things like, u can adopt (when I want my own) or marry a Muslim man (which aren't much of here plus I never liked) and be a step mum (why would I want to raise someone I don't like kids?). I'm so confused and lost and resent family and religion
Customer: replied 14 days ago.
I feel I have a last chance to go have a baby my way, but there will no family support as I will be "breaking the Islamic rules" and we know no one who dared do that.

While I can understand your tough situation, only you know how overwhelming it has been for you, since these issues caused by religious dogmas have significantly impacted and limited you and your life for so long.

Customer: replied 14 days ago.
but other rules you could say had also benefited me eg keeping away from smoking or drinking when I'd been around such & excessive circles too. But the issue is more of a family culture one... I could go ahead and break a rule (& burn in hell like anyone else who sins) but, my immediate concern is more about family impact and as a single then not having anymore and needing to move away from family and do it secretly and hiddenly

As long as an individual fully follows traditional religious values and belief systems that perpetuate dogmas that conflict with reality, and go against your needs and expectations in several areas of your life, there would be no way to please such religion and those following it, and take good care of yourself, building a healthy, meaningful and fulfilling life.

If you find that the following religion offers you enough benefits in your physical, mental, emotional, social, professional and spiritual health when limiting you in one or a couple of nonimportant aspects of your life, or that you truly can and want to afford such li9mitations because fo the many healthy, empowering and constructive things you get from the following religion, then no problem.

But if as you posted here, your reality is the opposite, and religion has mostly undermined your life at multiple core levels,  then you've to decide if you want to continue living your life shaped by those beliefs and values or change to ensure your health, happiness, and well-being while affording the obvious challenges of leaving your religion. Professional psychotherapy with a therapist with expertise in religion, sociocultural diversity, and relationships is necessary to work on this process.

Customer: replied 14 days ago.
if u do it, then I won't have anyone

Traditional religions like Islam have a core of universal principles and values that are healthy and empowering, share with similar religions like Christianism, like not stealing, killing, using drugs, betraying, being irresponsible, etc. But these religions also have multiple dogmas, which could be even more diverse based on the different sects or variations within the same religion. These "dogmas" are not about universal human values and principles, but mandates that control, and limit people's behaviors and life to comply with the rules set by groups of people to control social groups. They are not part of the core of universal values and principles that lead to a healthy and constructive life.

Then an adult should always work on growing, developing, and maturing their beliefs and values as such since an adult is not a naive and underdeveloped child who blindly believes and does everything adults around them tell them to do. Adults should be fully responsible for their own values, beliefs, actions, and the life they build. Otherwise, we will suffer the way you have here, Please find the right professional top support you with psychotherapy to work on these tough issues.

Customer: replied 13 days ago.
I agree with much of what you say. The issue I face is the things which are limiting me are things which everyone I know of follows as they are still core rules, eg women are not allowed to marry non-Muslim men (and eg the man doesn't want to convert) or Muslim women are not allowd to have sperm donar to make a baby as a single woman is not allowed to pregnant (this is seen as adultary) and these type of rules are never really broken unless the female is not even religious in the 1st place or not from such a family or community anyway. So in my case breaking such a rule would mean I would loose my family and community and be disrespected by other Muslims for what I have done. This is why I feel trapped between the religion values and the western thinking.
Customer: replied 13 days ago.
All because I live in a country with a tiny % of Muslim men and I've just not really liked those I've met from that tiny allowable group. It's seems we are then told that we can adopt or be step mums, when many women don't want this and want their own kids as its a basic desire for more people to have their own kids too. This is struggle, the owns kids part.. And how to do it as a single Muslim woman.. Who is not also running out of time re age...
Customer: replied 13 days ago.
who is now running out of fertility time too

That's why I said you need psychotherapeutic support to work on these tough issues.

Customer: replied 12 days ago.
OK, is this available on the NHS?

Yes, it is. You have a few options to get psychotherapy:

1- You could request your family doctor/PCP -primary care physician- to refer you to mental health services. This is one of their main duties.

2- You could also contact your local NHS office, their mental health/behavioral services department and request a referral to a local community mental health clinic for psychotherapy.

3- You could directly contact a practitioner using a professional directory like where you can specify all criteria you would like your professional to match, and then contact at least three of them, for a free consultation if possible, so you could choose one that seems competent, caring and available.

4- You could contact your health plan -if you have one- and request referrals to professionals covered by your plan.

5- You could consider mental health services online. There are multiple websites, but most do not offer real professional mental health services, but coaching under the counseling label. This is why you need to be patient, cautious, and proactive to ensure you find a competent and ethical professional to support you.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions since I am here willing and ready to support you as much as possible.

You can contact me using this direct link to my profile, you could bookmark it for easy access, and just make sure you state “For Rafael only” in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.

Also, know that I provide confidential counseling, and psychotherapy, which I implement via phone call, audio, chat, or video online. On this website, you have the option for an initial private consultation via Premium Services, in case you would like to discuss this in more detail.

Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care,


Rafael-E-Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 9 days ago.
Thank you