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Tori, Psychologist
Tori, Psychologist, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 403
Experience:  Work/Coaching Psychologist & Therapist
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I will call her (A). I will start narrating from the very

Customer Question

JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.
Customer: I will call her (A). I will start narrating from the very beginning. I saw her for the first time at the University in 2019. During the first 2 weeks, I was hoping to get to know her. Well, of course it happened. One day, I was sitting on the sofa with some of our colleagues and I was not talking to her yet. She was creating a WhatsApp group for our class and gathering phone numbers. She talked to me asking my phone number. At the end of that day, there was a birthday for one of our colleagues we went to a pub to celebrate and there she started speaking to me and asked about me and where I am from. EtcShe found out that I am from Egypt. She was amazed because she likes Egyptians and history. Since then, our friendship started to develop and I got her Facebook and we were chatting on WhatsApp as well. She was literally sitting with me most of time, asking questions about my life, my family and even if I have relationship history. We were having lunch with each other every day; we went to the law society in London together. She was looking after me and I was as well. Some of our colleagues noticed and there was that funny guy who kept saying “ehhm” whenever he passed by our sitting. He kept saying that she likes me and that is pretty obvious, but of course not in front of her. I would say that during that period from September until December 2019 we were perfect.
Everything was alright until finally she mentioned that she is actually married when we were sitting in the classroom with our colleagues. That was after one of our friends asked her how her wedding was. That was in December 2019 at the end of the semester. I was shocked, she never mentioned anything about that to me. She never said that she is married or even in a relationship despite that we were always together and alone at uni. Since then and on that day I was feeling bad and I had that grumpy face. I felt depressed for a few days and then I decided to start avoiding her.In the following semester, I have done what I was planning for. She was avoiding me as well. However, I was absent one day from uni and she asked my best friend why I am absent, if I am okay, and why I am not talking to her anymore especially after I heard that she is married? He said to her, I do not know, ask him!
The situation was like that until the Pandemic. During the online assessments time, she started to text me again, she was seeking help and because she know I am good with assessments she has done so because she was feeling safe by me checking her work and telling her if there is anything that needs to be modified. She was trusting me on this because we used to do that in the first semester. I helped her of course.
Since then, we started to text again and honestly, I accepted the fact that she is married. During our holidays in the summer, we met twice with our friends. Once, was on July. On that day, she asked about my family and how was everything during that hard time, she was insisting that we have to arrive early before our colleagues arrival to spent some time alone and speak. She asked about my family, how was everything during that hard time and literally she said “ I want to talk to you about so many things and some emotional stuff”. I pretended that I did not listen to that. Our friends cam and she never mentioned anything about emotional stuff.
There was also that time in September before the begging of the new academic year. She invited me to go out with her two friends. After her friends have left, we had a walk in Edgware Road and we spent some time talking alone again. Then we wen to the tube station to go home. Before she left, she said keep in touch and text me anytime and then she hugged me.The new academic year started. We kept our friendship. We were playing games with each other. We kept in touch and texting each other almost every day. I was making her laughing even during the online sessions. She said to me that I am the only one who can make her laugh fr
JA: Is there anything else the Psychologist should know before I connect you? Rest assured that they'll be able to help you.
Customer: no
Submitted: 14 days ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 14 days ago.
I will call her (A). I will start narrating from the very beginning. I saw her for the first time at the University in 2019. During the first 2 weeks, I was hoping to get to know her. Well, of course it happened. One day, I was sitting on the sofa with some of our colleagues and I was not talking to her yet. She was creating a WhatsApp group for our class and gathering phone numbers. She talked to me asking my phone number. At the end of that day, there was a birthday for one of our colleagues we went to a pub to celebrate and there she started speaking to me and asked about me and where I am from. EtcShe found out that I am from Egypt. She was amazed because she likes Egyptians and history. Since then, our friendship started to develop and I got her Facebook and we were chatting on WhatsApp as well. She was literally sitting with me most of time, asking questions about my life, my family and even if I have relationship history. We were having lunch with each other every day; we went to the law society in London together. She was looking after me and I was as well. Some of our colleagues noticed and there was that funny guy who kept saying “ehhm” whenever he passed by our sitting. He kept saying that she likes me and that is pretty obvious, but of course not in front of her. I would say that during that period from September until December 2019 we were perfect.
Everything was alright until finally she mentioned that she is actually married when we were sitting in the classroom with our colleagues. That was after one of our friends asked her how her wedding was. That was in December 2019 at the end of the semester. I was shocked, she never mentioned anything about that to me. She never said that she is married or even in a relationship despite that we were always together and alone at uni. Since then and on that day I was feeling bad and I had that grumpy face. I felt depressed for a few days and then I decided to start avoiding her.In the following semester, I have done what I was planning for. She was avoiding me as well. However, I was absent one day from uni and she asked my best friend why I am absent, if I am okay, and why I am not talking to her anymore especially after I heard that she is married? He said to her, I do not know, ask him!
The situation was like that until the Pandemic. During the online assessments time, she started to text me again, she was seeking help and because she know I am good with assessments she has done so because she was feeling safe by me checking her work and telling her if there is anything that needs to be modified. She was trusting me on this because we used to do that in the first semester. I helped her of course.
Since then, we started to text again and honestly, I accepted the fact that she is married. During our holidays in the summer, we met twice with our friends. Once, was on July. On that day, she asked about my family and how was everything during that hard time, she was insisting that we have to arrive early before our colleagues arrival to spent some time alone and speak. She asked about my family, how was everything during that hard time and literally she said “ I want to talk to you about so many things and some emotional stuff”. I pretended that I did not listen to that. Our friends cam and she never mentioned anything about emotional stuff.
There was also that time in September before the begging of the new academic year. She invited me to go out with her two friends. After her friends have left, we had a walk in Edgware Road and we spent some time talking alone again. Then we wen to the tube station to go home. Before she left, she said keep in touch and text me anytime and then she hugged me.The new academic year started. We kept our friendship. We were playing games with each other. We kept in touch and texting each other almost every day. I was making her laughing even during the online sessions. She said to me that I am the only one who can make her laugh from heart. I was happy to hear that. However, she was always avoiding to talk about her husband. All what I knew about him was some clues from our colleagues. He is from Iraq and he is a dentist.
We did not like the university and our tutors. We decided to move to another uni together as well. We moved successfully. Then, the past academic year we spent it together as well and of course alone. None of our previous colleagues is around anymore. I met another girl during the first semester. (A) was trying to help to be in a relationship with her, but the other girl was seeing us with each other almost every day and everywhere. The other girl was jealous of seeing me with her and she lost interest on me. I did not bother that much honestly.Me and (A) still are best friends. She keeps saying that we have a special unique link that nobody understand and that I can text her anytime I want to because she does not mind talking to her “Bfriend”, she literally said it like that. I do not know
Expert:  Tori, Psychologist replied 14 days ago.
Hi, I hope I can offer some help with your question.  From the information you have provided, you initially were attracted to her romantically, and developed your relationship on the basis that it might lead to a romantic relationship. It does sound as though she has deliberately negated to disclose her married status to you at this time, it seems others were aware of her being married, and she had clearly shared this with them.

Clearly you have a bond, and this is impacting on your ability to seek and sustain a relationship with anyone else, whether deliberately on her part or not, this is giving her the best of both worlds at the moment, a husband, and a b-friend, while leaving you in a more vulnerable situation.

The thing that stands out here is that her deliberate vagueness leaves her open to deny that she is doing this to you - that she may be keeping you stringing along, and putting your life on hold for her, without her having to acknowledge this to you, or even admit it to herself. It might be helpful to consider whether this is really what you want for yourself and your life? Clearly you are good friends, have a special bond, and have strong feelings for each other, but have you considered whether this is really in the friend zone for either of you, if it is preventing you from having a relationship as well. Do you think her husband is aware of you, and as is likely the case, if not, how do you think he would feel if he knew?

Customer: replied 14 days ago.
I think her husband may know about me, but I don’t think that he knows all of these details. I am not sure how he would feel.I am aware of the situation and the fact that we are friends. However, I want to understand her true feelings. After all of this, do you think that she might have feelings for me or even in love with me but she is trying to be realistic and keep this secret for herself, or she is truly thinks of me as a friend? I honestly do not think so because I have been with her for long time now and we are so close. I don’t think anyone would say that we are just friends if they see us together.
Expert:  Tori, Psychologist replied 14 days ago.
Obviously there is only one person that can tell you how she feels, and that is her. Is it perhaps time for you to have this conversation? What is clear is that you don't fully see her as a friend, and you are thinking and wondering along these lines, not just accepting that you are friends, but almost putting your life on hold in the hope that your efforts with her are eventually going to lead to love.