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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6304
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago, we blocked each

Customer Question

I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago, we blocked each other’s number (I blocked him first). It is still unclear if it was a permanent break up, he has a very high pressure job & he said he needed to focus on this instead of the relationship. I was angry but unblocked him quickly, he still has me blocked 4 weeks later. He hasn’t explained why. My mother texted him asking him to speak to me & he replied to her text. The response said this isn’t my fault it’s just a timing issue for the relationship, but he doesn’t want to speak to me. Still he is not clear if it’s permanently over. Since then I am still blocked, I’ve reached out 3 times in 4 weeks (a week to 10 days apart) via text on other numbers. I’ve said I regret what’s happened & I don’t want to lose him completely, I’ve told him I thought he was Mr Right and still do, and it seems like right people wrong time to me - but if this is permanently over for him & he never wants to speak to me again he needs to tell me that. So I have invited him to let me know if he doesn’t want contact from me again. He hasn’t replied & I can’t understand why he’s letting me continue to reach out while saying nothing. Why would he not just tell me to stop contacting him if he really doesn’t care anymore?
Submitted: 6 days ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 6 days ago.
He’s been really clear about the fact the break up is not my fault, and yet he’s continuing to be silent when he knows this is causing me pain/worry. I can’t understand why he doesn’t say something
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 days ago.
Hi and welcome to just answer. I am Therapist Jen. If you have broken up that usually means it is permanent...different than just taking a break. Clearly he has a lot going on and his focus is elsewhere and can't be on the relationship. So it sounds more like you just accepting that it is over rather than you pushing him to tell you that it is over when in fact that has already been established at least from what I can gather by what you wrote.
Customer: replied 6 days ago.
well no because we never said we had broken up
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 days ago.

The 1st line of what you wrote to me was I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago...

Customer: replied 6 days ago.
well today i’m thinking we have broken up, because of the scenario described. but the reason it’s gone like this is because we never actually said that at the time
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 days ago.

Either way if you are pushing him for an answer or having other people reach out to him it could fully shut the door on things as he could feel pushed and overwhelmed. So I would act as if you are no longer together and just begin your healing and if he misses you or has other things more in order and wants to come back to the relationship he will reach out to you.

Customer: replied 6 days ago.
well true, but i feel pushed and overwhelmed as well
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 days ago.

You are entitled to feel how you feel but it is not up to him to solve it. I would just move forward with things and see what happens what happens at some point in the future.

Customer: replied 6 days ago.
hmm. i don’t think it’s bad for my parent to send him a text to be honest, he didn’t have to reply to that. but he chose to respond. she even said he didn’t have to reply, but he still did
Customer: replied 6 days ago.
also i’m not suggesting he needs to resolve how i feel, i haven’t said that to him either. i haven’t even told him my feelings are hurt. all i’ve said is, i’m really unclear on whether we wanted this to be permanent or not. so if you want this to be fully permanent can you let me know & i’ll stop reaching out
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 days ago.

I didn't say it was bad, but we just don't want him to feel pushed by you or other family members that could cause him to fully close the door.

Customer: replied 6 days ago.
but he hasn’t said that. if it was me and i wanted it to be fully permanent i’d probably reply at that point and say “yes this is over”. he’s never even said it’s over
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 days ago.

I understand.  I would give him some time and space on his own and see if he has that time, that he wants to reconnect.

Customer: replied 6 days ago.
well my mother’s text wasn’t pushy to be honest. it didn’t say “please talk to her” it said she would like to speak to you, but it’s entirely your choice if you do or not. you don’t need to reply to this text. he still did though
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 days ago.

Sounds like he is a gentleman.  Give him space and let things play out.  That is the best option at this point.  If you ask him for an answer now, most likely he will say it is permanent because he has indicated that he can't focus on the relationship now.

Customer: replied 6 days ago.
i asked him for that answer 2 weeks ago & he didn’t say anything
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 days ago.

Because he doesn't have one possibly...so take a deep breath and give him time.

Customer: replied 6 days ago.
won’t he just forget i ever existed though if i give it time? what i’m worried about is that he’ll just put this in a box marked “deal with later” and never deal with it
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 days ago.

I don't think out of sight out of mind is a real thing.  But I do know that if you keep contacting him and he wants to focus on other things, then he could just cut it all off for good.

Customer: replied 6 days ago.
yeah. the problem is though i’m blocked, so hasn’t he done that anyway? this is the confusion for me. that you can just cut it all off as a knee jerk reaction during a fight, and leave the other person to guess if you’ll ever speak to them again or not. it’s pretty harsh & not something i would personally do. i would just text the person back and either say i can’t talk right now but i will in a certain amount of time, or just tell them it’s over and stop contacting me
Customer: replied 6 days ago.
i think when you say he doesn’t have the answer, that seems most likely to me
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 days ago.

It seems like you both reacted so let some air in and leave things be for a bit and because you are blocked that is the only way now anyway.

Customer: replied 6 days ago.
well.. i mean it’s not. because i could go over to his house, or call him. or anything really. i haven’t chosen to do any of those things, but i could. i’m not blocked on social media, only on his phone. this is what makes it even stranger to me that he hasn’t responded, because he obviously trusts me not to go over to his house or message him on social media. or he would have said don’t contact me
Customer: replied 6 days ago.
i agree we both over reacted. i think a lot more separation has been created through that over reaction than what we really wanted at the time
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 days ago.

I have given you my best thoughts based on experience, but you seem intent on reaching out to him, and you know what works best for you then find a way to reach out and ask him to give you that answer.  It is not what I suggest, but again, you need to do what works for you.

Customer: replied 6 days ago.
i’m not intent on reaching out, so much as there’s nothing else i can do other than ignore the situation
Customer: replied 6 days ago.
i mean there is nothing else i can do, other than nothing
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 days ago.

nothing or reaching out if you are too uncomfortable to give it time.

Customer: replied 6 days ago.
well yeah i’m uncomfortable. but maybe i’ll just have to take the pain. what gets to me the most is that i told him he could pick me up for dates whenever he was free (he was struggling do planned dates because of work commitments). and he said i deserved better than that, and he wanted to give me more of his time than he had to give. he even said to my mother she deserves more/better than what i can do at the moment, and i can’t ask her to wait around until it changes. so this just won’t resolve itself in the near future
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 days ago.

Then it sounds like he knows what he isn't able to give.  So trust those words and pull back and see how it goes.

Customer: replied 6 days ago.
yeah i have tried to pull back. at first it was me who said this is permanently over. clearly i don’t want that now, but my feelings were hurt. i’ve told him i think the break was needed, because it was. so he can get on with what he needs to do. what i can’t deal with is being blocked, i just feel like if it’s for the reasons he describes, you wouldn’t need to block someone
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 days ago.

I understand all that you feel.  Let's see how things play out.

Customer: replied 6 days ago.
yeah. i feel like 3 texts in 4 weeks isn’t bad going actually, it could have been a lot worse. and i think you’re right he’s not answering because he doesn’t have the answer
Customer: replied 6 days ago.
if i stop contacting him now, how is that going to make him feel better do you think?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 days ago.

So give him time and let things be.  Time gives him what he needs to focus on himself and to possibly miss you and want to reach out.

Customer: replied 6 days ago.
yeah. maybe he does miss me anyway, and isn’t replying because he knows he can’t give me what i need or get what he needs from me. so maybe it just hurts to get my messages
Customer: replied 6 days ago.
it is possible that’s the case. so yeah i think you are right
Customer: replied 6 days ago.
i told him today i thought he was mr right & still do, and i really need him in my life. that’s very honest of me, probably enough honesty for a few weeks at least
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 days ago.

I think he has indicated that he can't focus on the relationship now and can't give more.  That is all we can know now.

Customer: replied 6 days ago.
thank you for your advice
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 days ago.

It is my pleasure.  Stay calm and hopeful.

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