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Heather
Heather, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 657
Experience:  Psychotherapist at Bellizzi Psychotherapy
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My wife and I have been going through a really tough time

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My wife and I have been going through a really tough time recently. To the point where The arguments are constant and nasty. I ended up walking out but want my wife back so badly. She has blocked me on the phone and won't communicate. She has done this before and I know that when we speak we sort things out. But I do not want to lose my wife and will do anything to put this situation right.
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else the Psychologist should know before I connect you? Rest assured that they'll be able to help you.
Customer: My wife is 52. I'm 56. we married 3 years ago. My wife is poorly and has had cancer with 8 operations in 5 years. She has to undergo more treatment and I know this gets her down. When we married, my wife lost her PIP payments because of my earnings, but I make that up and give her £300 a week and pay all the bills. We have a lovely home and my wife is very houseproud. I earn a lot of money and do my best for us both. I am not perfect. I will argue and row with her but I always come back and apologise first. My wife rarely apologises. I can be hot headed and will walk away from argument and confrontation as I cannot deal with it any more. I know my wife can't either and it is tearing us apart. I did agree to see a counsellor with her but we never made it due to work and other fators as she went into hospital. I want to save our marriage.

Hello, welcome to Just Answer. My name is***** am an experienced psychotherapist here to assist you today.

Just Answer is a question and answer site only and we cannot evaluate, diagnose or provide treatment. My goal today is to understand your issue and answer the question you have.

I am sorry that you are having trouble with your marriage. It sounds like a difficult time for you.

Customer: replied 13 days ago.
it is a very difficult time. Our issue is one of communication. My wife has a thing about micromanaging every aspect of our lives. She doesn't realise she is doing it. I am in management, so I see the signs. eg. asking me to do a job then telling me how to do it, or if i have a shave, putting a towel on the floor to stand on so i don't get the floor wet (its a tiled floor). If i disagree with something it is not forgotten or accepted, it turns into a full blown argument as to why i disagree and i'm made to feel wrong. I am scared to disagree or chllenge because i know the outcome will be an argument. I have to walk away from them because i don't deal with confrontation very well and my wife knows this. I don't seem to be able to reason with her and thats all I want to do. be equal and have no flare ups.
I can aggravate the situation. When we have an argument I will stay away for a few days in a hotel ner to work to calm down and I always come round and make the first move and apologise. My wife automatically blocks me and will not speak or communicate making everything harder and adding to the pressure. I don't know what to do any more.

I appreciate your desire to save the marriage but this does require effort on both sides.  You mentioned marriage counseling, would you now both be ready to prioritize this option?

Customer: replied 13 days ago.
Absolutely 100% for me. I know Alison my wife would too.

When a relationship is deeply troubled, it does help to work with a professional.  I recommend that you talk to your wife about setting up counseling as soon as possible.  I believe the Gottman Method to be the most effective treatment style for saving marriages.  They do offer this type of counseling in the UK and with telehealth options, you may be able to access services relatively quickly regardless of where you are located.  Here is one location: https://www.therelationshipcentre.org.uk/

Additionally, you may want to ramp up efforts to save the marriage with a little bit of self-help, too.  I encourage you to listen to some podcasts about marriage, read some self-help books, and research some websites.  Two books that I like are "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix and "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman.  These books also have workbooks that you two can do together. You may want to do your own soul-searching in private counseling which will speed up the work on your end.  The Gottman Institute also has intensive marriage counseling weekends which are powerful therapeutic getaways designed to intensively address marriage problems.

Customer: replied 13 days ago.
Wow! Brilliant. I will do that and also set up a private counselling session for myself beforehand so I can demonstrate commitment to this. It's something positive and workable I can go back to my wife with. We live on the Wirral (Heswall), so i'll look round now and find someone.

Wonderful. Have I answered your question? If any part of my response is unclear, please let me know. It’s my goal to deliver excellent service, so please let me know if there is anything more I can do. Thank you for using our site.


Customer: replied 13 days ago.
No thats fantastic. I've made a note of the reading and i'm going to get them today and also book a session for myself. Thank you for your help. You may have just saved my marriage !

You're welcome!

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